On this here hump day, we’re cool hunting for hypebeasts…

Before anything else is said: The internet is just a series of tubes, people! Just ask Ted Stevens. I’m sure he’d love to explain it to you with some awesome gestures, but Oh! Looks like he’s got his hands tied

So there was a 5.4 earthquake yesterday in Los Angeles, but the city hasn’t fallen into the ocean yet, has it? Anyone out there reading this effected by it? I mean, I know that Judge Judy was, but anyone else? Why don’t you just go and twitter the fuck out it?

Alicia Keyes and Jack White are teaming up for the next Bond theme song? Please tell me that Alicia (one of the most beautiful women on the planet) is doing all the singing and, you know, video appearing and that Jack White will just hide his scary self away continuing to look like a scary lesbian witch.

One armed models!

This may be the skeeziest advice column ever. An excerpt: “If you stick your pinkie in there, and then another finger, and then another, and she responds happily, then it’s cool.” Counterforce should totally have it’s own regular advice column on things like dating and sex and auto repair.

And it looks like Mr. Sarah Michelle Gellar has a new job.

(I know, I know, how lame is it to be posting news about him? Don’t worry though, I plan on smoothing it all out below with a link to Kim Kardashian pics.)

And in politics:

The United States government (actually just a branch of it) has officially apologized for slavery and the era of Jim Crow. Just in time for McCain to side with a ban on affirmative action. All this in time for the Washington Post to basically declare Obama president already (might as well, just to save us the trouble), and for us to ponder whether or not black women will ever marry or not.

Oh, and the genocide-loving gay porn actor and Predator (a subtle form of it’s own kind of gay porn) bit player who’s running for the Senate has been kicked out of his party. Shocking, I know.

They’re still trying to get some traction on the John Edwards having an affair stories out there. Maybe they’re waiting to see if he gets a running mate slot? (At least he has a decent hair cut.)

Oh, and speaking of Barack Obama… this isn’t absolutely psychotic at all.

In the world of sports:

I’m sure my fellow Counterforcers (who are all big sports fans, while I am not) saw this about the blog Fire Joe Morgan being banned in China for the Olympics.

In news of just how wild and fucked up the world is now:

More student/teacher sex! It’s amazing to me that this is all finally being caught/reported on. If you went to high school and didn’t know that at least one of your teachers was fucking at least one of your classmates, then… Well, can I live in your magical fantasty world for a while? It’s clearly got to be Imaginationland!

Granted, it’s usually the male teachers, the ones who wear t-shirts for whatever the hip and socially acceptable band is of the day (In my day it was Rage Against The Machine) to class, that are fucking the female students, but whatever.

Also:

Hypebeast!

Shark Week still going strong.

Your guy’s hero of choice can reveal a lot about his personality.”

Video games!

Joss Whedon fans are already starting a campaign to save his new TV show, Dollhouse… before it even airs! And considering it’s going to be on Fox, this may be a genius move. Maybe Fringe people should start considering something similar?

Overshare (a word I have grown to loathe). Remember how I said I’d talk about the double standards and hypocrisy of the internet and world of blogging in general? Well, I still plan to, and it’ll reflect about how as a man, I could say anything I want about my personal life on this site, and go into the grossest possible details that I’d want to, but the second a woman does it, the very moment she becomes either a person or an internet celebrity, she somehow becomes a slut. Or something worse. It’s utter bullshit and I’ll go into at some point. And I’ll talk about Lena Chen and Julia Allison and especially Emily Gould. And Julia Allison again, because she’s just out there that much.

Speaking of which: Liz Wurtzel, where have you gone? We miss you.

Oh well. That’s enough. Go back to having one of those kind of days.

(Here are the Kim Kardashian pics I promised.)

Now that’s how you kick off Shark Week!

Do I even need to say anything else here? I didn’t think so. Maybe this should be a new Shark Week! tradition: every year, we feed a worthless celeb to the fishes. We could even make it a contest, with fans calling in to cast their vote. Or, if they have AT&T, they can send a text message of their choice to the special number listed on the bottom of the screen.

…in political news, Tim Kaine? Seriously?? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Was Lieberman not taking your calls, Barry?

People I’d rather see on the ticket:

  • Wesley Clark
  • Al Gore
  • Hillary
  • That Sebelius chick
  • John Edwards
  • John Kerry
  • Guy who plays Sayid on Lost
  • Ted Kennedy
  • Alex Rodriguez
  • Heath Ledger

 

Sports note of the day: I think sometimes Greg Smith puts guys on base just so he can show off his pick-off move.

There’s a reason we like “Schadenfreude,” you know.

I happened upon this quote today by the lovely Emily Gould:

“The will to blog is a complicated thing, somewhere between inspiration and compulsion. It can feel like almost a biological impulse. You see something, or an idea occurs to you, and you have to share it with the Internet as soon as possible.”

I could not agree more. And in that spirit, and the spirit of Schadenfreude, I give you:

No, not that, actually. But it is fitting.

Instead, I give you: Robert Novak.

A man who’s given the nickname “Prince Of Darkness” by one of his friends. A man who’s not even worthy of scorn. Just detest. Dare I even say, just go ahead and ask Valerie Plame?

I could go on about the man’s past crimes, but why waste the time talking about this piece of shit when the energy would be better served spitting at the thought of him.

The reason I bring him up today, though, is because today it was wonderfully reported that he’s been diagnosed with a brain tumor. I’d like to say maybe that’s why he’s such an evil bastard, but really… that was all there before the tumor showed up.

This is, of course, a week after he hit an 86 year old homeless man with his car and then drove off, claiming he never even saw the poor guy whom witnesses said was splayed out on Novak’s windshield at one point. Hell, at this point, Novak getting a life threatening tumor is just karma balancing out the scales.

Wouldn’t it make a great sitcom-ish setup if he ended up in the same hospital room with Ted Kennedy at some point? I’d totally watch that show.

This has been the brightest highlight on an otherwise slow news day. So, in closing, let me just say this:

Katrina and the Waves - Walking On Sunshine

The Go Go’s - Our Lips Are Sealed

What You Can Do in Preparing for a Post Peak Oil World: Endtroducing…

We here at Counterforce recognize there are many reasons to fear tomorrow.  Terrorists living next door, government agents listening to your phone calls because there are terrorists living next door, climate change, Bravo’s never ending parade of reality competition TV shows based on the pastimes of homosexuals and the hags who love’em, a possible McCain presidency, a possible offspring of Madonna and A-Rod, a possible Bravo reality TV show based on Madonna and A-Rod raising said offspring (sure to feature lots of underwear swapping).  We also realize that some of you might need your worst fears assuaged and advice on how to cope with these coming atrocities.  Well, we’re sorry but you’re a big boy/girl and you’re just gonna have to learn how to deal with it.

 

 

We’re sorry, that was mean.  We’ll tell you what, to make it up to you we have invited world renowned Zoologist, European playboy and World Champion Gitin’r Doner, Occam Razor, to write a weekly column on what you can do in preparing for a Post Peak Oil World, titled What You Can Do in Preparing for a Post Peak Oil World.  Occam suffers fools lightly and will not be taking any questions at the end of each column.

 

 

It's obvious, really

It's obvious, really

“What is Peak Oil?” is what you’re probably asking yourself.  No doubt breathing heavily from the mouth even though you’ve been sitting down for the past 3 hours, furrowing your brow in a vain attempt to understand what the adults are talking about.  Well thank god for the web 2.0 because I don’t want to have to waste my time to explain it all to you, so go look it up on wikipedia already.  I’ll sit here waiting, identifying a new species of Marmota.

Peak oil is the point in time when the maximum rate of global petroleum extraction is reached, after which the rate of production enters terminal decline.”

 

It’s kind of a “oh, fuck, I never thought of that!” concept.  But my friends, fossil fuels are not limitless.  Some kind of prehistoric algae pooled up a couple million years (and since it was prehistoric algae it was probably like 6 feet tall or something) got trapped by tectonic plate movement and millions of years later Jed Clampett went ahuntin’ and the Industrial Revolution was born.

 

A generic picture of an oil rig

A generic picture of an oil rig

Not only are fossil fuels a finite resource, but it’s very clear that at some point it will cost more energy to grab at the last few drops than will be gained from those last few drops.  And so Peak Oil represents that point when oil is no longer cheap and marks the beginning of what everyone’s favorite asshole James Howard Kunstler calls The Long Emergency, a time without all of the modern conveniences afforded by cheap oil. 

 

“Well, when will Peak Oil happen?” you blather about and I respond, “You’re awful mouthy!”  But after I collect myself and refocus my chi, I have to tell you the world’s most expert geologists predict that Peak Oil will happen in December 2005.

 

Oh shit, it’s already the Summer of 2008, huh?  Well I guess the coming winter’s $6 a gallon gas prices shouldn’t be too shocking.

 

Think of some aspect of your life that doesn’t rely on fossil fuels.  I’m going to stop you right there and say, nothing.  Nothing in your life is free from fossil fuels.  Maybe sleeping, but you seem like the kind of person who needs lot’s of drugs to doze off, and those are manufactured in a factory and then shipped by a truck to a store, so yeah.  Shit, even taking a shit requires fossil fuel.  One of the first maxims of urban development was “shit rolls downhill,” which is a way of remembering how to properly plumb a residence to ensure proper sanitation in crowded spaces.  That’s why no one fears cholera, anymore.  Yet now developers are so concerned with maximizing every square inch of land they’ll place residences at the bottom of hills even though the main sewer line is at the top and “fix” that problem with gas powered pumps.

 

This explains everything

This explains everything

Kunstler kalls it the Long Emergency because the loss of knowledge over the past 60 or 70 years will lead to some serious problems when there’s no gas to shoot our poop uphill.  And that’s where this column steps in, it’s about what you can do in preparing for a post peak oil world, that’s why it’s titled What You Can Do in Preparing for a Post Peak Oil World.  Starting next week we will be getting our hands dirty making sure we know where to aim our poop and how to live without convenient access to blenders.

 

Next Week:  I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie:  Knock Kneed Bimbos Have No Place In a Post Peak Oil World.

 

The only believable part is about Billy Connolly raping boys

 

I should have just gone to see The Dark Night again

I should have just gone to see The Dark Knight again

I suppose I deserved this. All my intuition told me to stay away, but my curiosity won out and I went and paid real cash money to see The X-Files: I Do Not Want To Believe. This is a bad movie. Could have been edited down into a subpar monster of the week episode, maybe. It’s as though Chris Carter was off camera for every scene shouting “No no no! Sadder! More dourer! Play it totally humorless! Like you’ve just been diagnosed with a terminal illness!” What the hell is Amanda Peet doing here? And Exibit? What’s with all the snow? wtf. Only three things need to be taken from this movie:

1 • Russians are bad human beings. But we already knew that.

2 • West Virginia should be avoided at all cost. But we already knew that.

3 • The Catholics are Doing It Wrong. But we already knew that too.

Don’t go see this movie. You’ll regret it.

Those Worthy of Scorn: Harry Knowles

 

worthy of scorn

worthy of scorn

A few months back, Harry Knowles announced in one of his reviews (Editor’s note: of The Ruins, no less — which he loved, no less!) that he had been diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a totally hateful person (okay, okay, I am) but there was something immensely satisfying about this revelation. It was as though one of the immutable laws of the universe had just been re-confirmed. You eat like a disgusting slob and watch movies all day: you will become obese and get diabetes. For the world to have continued on without Harry being a diabetic was an insult to all the other diabetics. To get just a taste of Harry, this is how he describes his newfound diabesity:

“…The nurse came in with this Kit – to poke my finger and feed this vampire device that tells me whether or not I’m too sweet. First off… My fingers love penetrating, but abhor being penetrated. This just isn’t natural…”

If you’re like me, you just threw up. Worse, when discussing lapband surgery, he seems to be saying he did it not for his health, but because losing his eyesight would put a crimp on his film-watching.

But that’s not why he’s one of those worthy or scorn. No, Harry’s sins are legion.

Fault the First: Bad Writing

This is, after all, the guy who started the whole movie-review-where-I-tell-you-about-my-whole-day-leading-up-to-the-review. And then he upped the ante by becoming the guy who writes movie-reviews-as-graphic-sexual-metaphors-even-though-he’s-500 lbs-on-the-wrong-side-of-a-vagina. Not to mention… the endless… ellipses… In short, people who write sentences like this: “Louis Leterrier has made a HULK movie that first and foremost is badass, kickass and asskicking, but is most certainly not ASS.” deserve our hatred.

(random side note: a girl once told me that the punctuation mark that most fit me as a person was the ellipses. I’m still trying to decide if I like that or not.)

Fault the Second: Bad Taste

no

no

From pimping shitty movies that his “friends” like Del Toro or QT did, to gushing over totally lame genre crap like Battle Royale because it’s foreign, to shitting his pants over mediocre Michael Bay crap, Harry’s taste is beyond reproach: it’s awful. If Harry actually does like a good movie, it’s probably by accident and for the wrong reasons. Like when he pooh-poohed The Matrix Reloaded for not having more Werewolves and Vampires.

Fault the Third: He’s Texan

Reason enough. Worse, he seems to have infected promising directors like Robert Rodriguez and Tarantino with his retarded love for the Lone Star State and its crappy tex-mex food. The world does not need any more glorification of shit-kicking rednecks.

Fault the Fourth: Misguided Politics

Harry hails from some sort of weird “me vs. the Man” political dichotomy that causes him to think that something like The Faculty is subversive. Actual quote, for reals:

“I responded with the use of drugs in this film. Personally I’m counting on actual OUTRAGE, public screaming at the highest levels. Mentions on the floor of Congress when some pompous ass begins farting out a pontification about what’s wrong with society today. Absolutely wonderful. It is, quite simply… Real Damn Cool.”

Yeah, still waiting for that huge brouhaha over The Faculty to die down. Nancy Grace won’t shut up about it. Bill O’RLY has a segment on it every night. Basically, if a movie is made by one of Harry’s friends or favorite filmmakers (like Eli Roth) and it features tits and or drugs, Harry views it as some sort of scathing protest film exposing the hypocrisies of our time, or something. That he is supporting democrats now makes me worried.

Fault the Fifth: Spoilers

Not that he’s solely to blame for this, and the movement probably would have continued without his help, but there’s no denying that Harry played a major role in popularizing the reveal of spoilers to a movie or tv show. Remember when we used to go see a movie knowing only what we saw in the trailer and what the local reviewer had to say about it? That’s a far better way to see a movie. Worse, Harry was such a poor reporter of spoilers that half the time they were wrong and set up artificial expectations for a film that were never met. And now that Harry has been successfully co-opted by the studios’ marketing departments, he openly lords his privileged knowledge over his readers and then holds back the juicy stuff. Asshole.

Have I missed anything? feel free to add your own.

Damn you, Rebecca Traister

Oh, those halcyon 90s days of cordless phones and books.

Oh, those halcyon 90s days of cordless phones and books.

I wasn’t going to watch the X-Files movie this weekend (why is the singular form of movies not movy?). I mean, the trailers can best be summed up as: “zzzz FBI zzzzzzzzzz Mulder zzz Scully zzzzzzzzz It’s here! (scottish accent) zzzz Here! zzzz Here! zzzz Here! zz! HERE! zzzzz.” Chris Carter found god and wants to bludgeon us over the head with his new bullshit spirituality by reanimating one of the beloved shows of the 90s. There is no reason at all for “X-Files: I want to Believe” to exist.

And yet, I was over at Salon.com reading one of my favorite writers there and damn it all if Rebecca Traister’s excellent piece on Ms. Dana Scully didn’t get me kinda wanting to drive over to the theater. You should all go read the article as there is nothing I can write on the subject that she doesn’t say better. Some people are Mulder people. Some are Scully people. I’m the latter. I mean, she’s a redhead, c’mon! I must admit, I never saw the episode where it is suggested that Scully is immortal, and this intrigues me to no end. Sigh, there could have been so many great places to go with another X-Files movie and instead we get two burnt-out characters trying to help a child-fucker priest solve mysteries.

I’m trying to convince myself that it’s morally acceptable to go watch The Dark Knight again and then hop into The X-Files. On the one hand, I don’t want to support Chris Carter since he’s been a hack for about 10 years and completely killed the show back in the day. On the other, Gillian Anderson should really be getting more work. Sadly, I know in my heart that if I go see Batman again there’s about a 75% chance of me just leaving the theater afterward.

PS. It’s nice to see that the Sex and the City backlash has already begun amongst my favorite feminist authors on Salon.