vs.

This past weekend, Hancock, a film take on the lost and angry superhero opened to an estimated box office snatch of somewhere in the quaint little neighborhood of $107 million. It stars Will Smith, the blockbuster actor/kind of guy you’d probably want to chill out for a bill and tell stories with/future scientologist/possible swinger, and Charlize Theron, former model/decent actress/beautiful woman/ex-girlfriend of a mid 90s alt rock band’s front man. Who else? A little actor that you may or may not have heard of: Jason Bateman.

Haven’t heard of him? Really? Realllyy? Okay, that’s cool. A bit on the completely unbelievable side, but still, that’s cool. I’m a little curious as to how you could be reading this blog then when you’re OBVIOUSLY IN A COMA, but hey, that’s cool too.

The former child actor likes car washes, scented candles and the intricacies of himself.

The thing about Bateman in this role, playing a PR executive who takes on what has to be the thankless task of trying to rehabilitate the image of Will Smith’s drunken asshole of a super hero, is that five, maybe even ten years ago (and the script has been in development that long) this role would’ve obviously been played by the great Mr. John Cusack.

Do you remember him? He’s still out there, he’s just hiding in plain sight doing shitty movies.

But what happened, John? I mean, seriously.

Once upon a time, John Cusack was, and forgive me for adapting to the parlance of our times, The Man. He was. From the 80s, including overrated gems like Say Anything and the brilliantly off kilter Better Off Dead (and a movie that practically no one has ever heard of called Sixteen Candles) to the 90s, in no matter how good we all know it is, no matter how much everyone and their fucking mother still loves it, it’s still underrated classics

like Grosse Pointe Blank, indie thunderclap Being John Malkovich and continuing on into movies that were good in their own way but obviously made a billion times better by his mere presence alone, like… Identity. And even High Fidelity, which the Cusack fanatics all love, but some are turned off by how “dark” it is. Shit, he even made romantic comedies that were so toxic they could cause tumors pleasant and enjoyable, a la Serendipity.

But more than, the man was just cool. He brought that indie hipster cred along with him and you liked him. He didn’t look like your typical movie star. He sure as hell didn’t talk like your typical movie star or act like one. He was dry, and he talked fast. Sometimes he got loud. Sometimes his characters were still and sometimes they were wiry, jittery messes. His charm was understated, and sometimes he bordered on being a contrarian asshole, but there was a patented intellect at work pretty much all the time. If you were lucky, he let you in on the joke, even if you were the joke. But it’s not like you minded, since you were being made to look the fool by someone so cool…

And then he just kind of stopped. What the fuck happened?

The Wachowski siblings have got nothing on these two

You could make the argument that he got old and the studios just stopped going in his direction. But that doesn’t make sense. His best two projects of anyone’s recent, but long, memory were projects he got off the ground himself: Grosse Pointe Blank, about a hitman essentially having a midlife and spiritual crisis, and High Fidelity, an adaptation of a Nick Hornby novel about a record store owner who breaks up with his girlfriend and essentially has a… mid life crisis. It’s a common enough theme, I guess could say, but when Cusack did it, he commanded it. Even when he was an asshole, women still wanted to date his wit (a la High Fidelity).

But again, he just kind of stopped and drifted into movies that… well, they just look like crap. Are they crap? Are they? Who the fuck knows, man. 1408? Who really went and saw that? Martian Child? Really? Grace Is Gone? More like, where has your career gone, John? And then there’s his upcoming slate, which includes Roland Emmerich’s 2012 and some animated movie voice work (fuck commercials, this is the new quick paycheck for a name actor) in a movie called Igor. And I haven’t even mentioned yet a movie called War, Inc., which looks to be a spiritual retread to Grosse Pointe Blank, and despite characters having great names in it, still looks like weak satire and an easy target for sharper critics. Honestly, you’re fucking killing me here, John. You really are.

"You forgot to say 'away' again..."

And then there’s Jason Bateman, classically trained actor who really first jumped to attention in the damn near Shakespearean Teen Wolf Too. He’s a former child actor and the brother of the lovely Justine, and for a while, his career kind of went nowhere… And by nowhere, I clearly mean the land of failed sitcoms.

And then something of a freak occurrence happened. He got small roles in movies like The Sweetest Thing and an episode in Scrubs and his name was back. All of which, having been a veteran of failed sitcoms, lead him to being cast as the lead of a little show called Arrested Development.

But from that breakout role in Arrested Development, playing the ringmaster in the circus and making a new career out of what EW calls in their latest issue “controlled exasperation.” And he’s rode that perfect niche to glory: The Kingdom, directed by Peter Berg (who also directed Hancock, and who looks like he’d probably fight you for money), The Break-Up, with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which I’m told is best and least sexist of the Judd Apatow stable, and Juno, everyone’s favorite movie of all last year, and the role in which he added a little twist on his classically likeable character: He’s also a douchebag!

"Hey there, I've got a great band I'd like to turn you onto..."

In fact, the lovely young woman in the group I went to see the movie with the first time swooned audibly several times during the film. Then she suggestively moaned her desires to rape Mr. Bateman, and then swooned a few more times. And then she sharted herself when it was revealed that his character was actually kind of a douche bag. A douche bag whose reasons for being a douche bag I think can be kind of understandable, but still, the point is: She totally sharted herself right there in the movie theater seat and that’s gross as fuck.

"Ha ha, check out all my hot new friends!"

And you want to talk about upcoming projects? Sorry, John, but Jason Bateman’s got you beat hands down with a list that includes State Of Play, an adaptation of the acclaimed British miniseries, This Side Of The Truth, a Ricky Gervais movie starring the likes of Patrick Stewart, Rob Lowe, Jeffrey Tambor, Louis CK, the lovely Tina Fey, and (sigh) Jonah Hill. Oh, and it was announced recently that he’ll also be the lead in the new Mike Judge movie, Extract, possibly starring alongside the lovely Mila Kunis. Is she still dating that weird looking lesbian from those early 90s kids movies?

That seems great for Jason Bateman and kind of sucky for John Cusack, you’re thinking to yourself, but while they both play the dry, witty outsider role in movies, they’re not exactly the same as actors. But in a way, they are. They totally are. Batemen usually plays slightly more mature characters than Cusack did in his heyday, maybe even slightly more wholesome character, but think about Gross Pointe Blank. Really think about it. Then slide in Jason Bateman in place of Cusack. It’s a slightly different movie, but he could do it. He just doesn’t have Cusack’s weird physicality in acting, preferring to more just stand there and look flabbergasted, mouth hanging open at the new weird thing that pops up.

Then there’s the idea of taking chances as an actor, stretching out and showing a little range. John Cusack’s done it plenty, (Max, Con Air, The Thin Red Line, The Road To Wellville, Cradle Will Rock) but they’re typically movies with absolutely no repeat value whatsoever. Or, in the case of a movie like The Road To Wellville, I’d rather have amnesia and maybe possibly fetal alcohol syndrome than the memories of having seen that. On the Bateman side, there’s Smokin’ Aces, an absolutely ridiculous movie starring Ryan Reynolds and a fairly all star cast, including both Jack and Richard Alpert from Lost, and including Jeremy Piven, a former Cusack constant, who’s now seemingly defected away for a fleeting chance of a little fame of his own (face it, little man, you’re always going to the snarky sidekick). Aside from a few light chuckles here and there, Bateman’s cameo is the high point of this movie, playing a character so sleazy and off the wall that, well, it’s a nice stretch for Bateman. And don’t let me forget that the movie also included Peter Berg, who later went on to direct Bateman in Hancock and The Kingdom. They probably met in between takes when Berg was offering to fight people for money.

Really? Really.

Is there a final statement here? No, not really. More of a plea: John Cusack, get your career back, I’m begging you. I’m scared to death that your sister is getting even more roles than you (Bateman’s got himself a sister as well and even though she may not be in as many movies as him, John, or Joan, she’s hot, and that’s really it’s own reward if you think about it). Maybe you could snag yourself a part in the possibly upcoming Arrested Development movie that there seems to be no deal for yet, but according to the creator and most of the stars, including Bateman, is definitely coming our way eventually. Hey, it’d be a great property to get your feet back into comedy with, or at least have your name on a marquee again with something that doesn’t suck, and it worked wonders for the careers of Thomas Jane, Andy Richter, and Charlize Theron. Hell, maybe you could get yourself cast as the grown up version of George Michael, the son of Bateman’s character, who’s played by Michael Cera, whom Bateman jokingly told the latest issue of EW could be the only hold up since he’s “a huge star now… with a huge star attitude to go with it.” Speaking of which… Michael Cera? I loved you in Arrested Development as a real man’s man, but kind of thought you were a pussy loser in Juno. And in Superbad. That’s all I’m saying.

"Teen Wolf 3?!? You have got to be fucking kidding me."

And expanding upon my comrade Benjamin Light’s previous Sex and The City post, here’s just a great review of that movie.

Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes
Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight
Sonic Youth - Superstar (Carpenters cover)
The Helio Sequence - Lately