Pre-Shark Week continues, taking a break from Jaws‘ species to highlight another dangerous old creature of the deep…

Cthulhu!

Actually, not really. I just like that title: Cthulhu Cthursday, so I thought I’d use it this once as pre-Shark Week mania continues…

Personally, I find Lovecraft to be a bit of a douchebag. His writing is not necessarily what I’d call terrible, but it’s certainly not scary. I don’t think you read it because it’s scary. I think you read it cause you feel like you can jack off to the insane and bizarre mythos. Also, Lovecraft was kind of a racist too, wasn’t he? And that’s never sexy.

Now let’s talk about something sort of somewhat serious…

X-Files: I Want To Believe.

I’m just not sure I believe anymore.

Or that I even want to anymore.

As a child of the 90s, I feel a certain obligation about going to see this movie, but it just looks so fucking bad. So boring and trite and what a waste of time. I feel like I’d rather be raped by the Elder Gods than slide some cash over for this movie, actually.

I remember when the X-Files was good. I remember when I could almost call it my favorite show on TV. And I remember when that all went away. And then there was the ending of the series… Fuck me, what bullshit. What insulting, stupid wretched filthy bullshit. (Not to forget that fucking Brady Bunch episode, which I’d like – I’d like! – to think was just Cthulhu sending me an evil hallucination to drive me mad and not the work of hacks jumping and fucking the shark, but why would that include David (Speaking of sad relics of the 90s, ha ha) Faustino?

Also, if I remember that fucking finale right, didn’t the show end with Mulder and Scully as fugitives on the run from the law and the government while waiting for the aliens to invade and conquer in 2012? So how are they working with the FBI in the movie? And we know they are cause there’s the scene where Special Agent Xzibit recruits Scully in the commercials… And Gillian Anderson, I’m glad to see your intellectual and lovely presence in a movie again, but aren’t you hosting Masterpiece Theater now? How much money did they use to lure you back to this? And why isn’t David Duchovny a bigger star? Sure House Of D looked like less fun that tentacle (Cthulhu!) rape, but still, after all these years, all he has to show for himself is X-Files 2, a song, and a show like Californication? Really?

(Side query: Who out there watches Californication? Is it really as filthy as I hear it is? Is it any good?)

I would file this movie, from the looks of it, under the category of doing it wrong. Heinously wrong, actually.

But that reminds of J. J. Abrams’ upcoming Fringe TV show, which I would file under the category of doing it right by everything I’ve seen of it. It seems like a modern take on the X-Files, only more grounded in real science while at the same time, being more crazy nutso out there yah yah yah. And I’m perfectly okay with that.

Also, it seems that Abrams will be more involved on this one and I like the sound of that. Personally, I think he would’ve been happy to come back to Lost after he finished Mission Impossible 3, but there probably just wasn’t the room nor the need for him anymore. That show perfectly discovered it’s core and legs without him. Or, you could say… it’s tentacles? Cthulhu!

But the thing that really gets me excited about that show (despite Pacey being in it, again to go back to the sad little men of the 90s) is the line from the show’s co-creator, Roberto Orci: “I wanted to do a show with geniuses solving problems.” All TV could benefit from that kind of thinking. I mean, isn’t that part of why people watch House? (Just add in misogyny, emosogyny, and copious amounts of super fun drug use.)

So, to recap…

X-Files 2: Doing it wrong.

Fringe: Possibly doing it right.

What do you think, Cthulhu?

Fair enough.

Speaking of J. J. Abrams (whom I’m just going to go ahead and call the Joss Whedon for the hoi polloi, though I don’t intend that to be an insult necessarily), remember when the Cloverfield mystery was just an excellent teaser trailer and a guessing game? Remember what everyone thought it might be? Cthulhu!

So a quick question about the latest news from the political world… Obama manages to rally something like 200,000 thousand people in (“Channeling Reagan”) Berlin today, and McCain retaliates by… going to a German restaurant in Ohio? Seriously? That’s just… brilliant. And just as amazing as the fact that the Secret Service needs more money to protect these two in what has to be the longest Presidential contest ever.

And how old is John McCain? Like, a billion, right? Could he technically be one of the Old Ones?

Well, maybe not the top spot, but should Cthulhu be expecting a call about being McCain’s running mate?

Link-wise, this is me dropping a little science on you, talking about the aurora borealis and how magicians are light years ahead of the scientists.

And here’s Neil Gaiman discussing Lovecraft and “the mythos.”

And here’s Nas being number one. Which makes me wonder if I could sell the title “Cthulhu of the rap game” to someone. What do you think?

And while you’re thinking about that, here’s Zach Galifianakis and Will Oldham presenting to you Kanye’s “Can’t Tell Me Nothing.” My God, these guys are real bears. You also can’t tell Cthulhu nothin’.

And here’s Galifianakis in an old Fiona Apple video. A real bear.

Also, Cthulhu Cthursday!