Friday fuck party.

And the pre-Shark Week/The Dark Knight adoration comes to an end. What a long, strange trip it’s been. Let’s just enjoy a few links and quietly and calmly slip into the weekend…

For starters, a 15 year old Florida kid didn’t jump the shark, he jumped on it. Apparently sharks don’t fucking like that.

Dark Knight star Christian Bale was arrested for apparently assaulting his mother and sister in a London hotel room. The thing is… I don’t think this makes him look all that bad to anyone. I mean, he’s Christian Bale, for fuck’s sake. When you hear this story, you kinda wonder if his mother and sister deserved it (they were apparently talking shit about his wife).

Are you looking for love? Are you also looking for BRRAAAINNNNSSS?

Sometimes crime is the only option for dwarves. That, or being tosssed.

Dane Cook inspires crime spree! Probably a good thing since he doesn’t really inspire laughs anymore.

Ben Stein is a smart guy, but sometimes he’s also an idiot. Glenn Beck, whose show he appeared on, is always an idiot.

Turns out, anecdotes are not science.

Elvis wasn’t just the king of rock n’ roll, he may’ve also been the ancient Roman god of it.

Remember the baby on the cover of Nirvana’s Nevermind? Well, he’s 17 now. And he’s kind of glad that so many people have seen his cock.

Comic-Con is this weekend in San Diego, so there’ll probably be all sorts of previews for upcoming movies and TV shows coming out of that since Hollywood has really jumped on that avenue and started humping it to death. There may even be some comic book news coming out of there too, who knows. Last year they repeated attendance above 125,000 people so I don’t even want to think about what that looks like this year.

The world’s first test tube baby turned 30 today.

NASA is considering exploring sex in space. (Me too!)

Speaking of space, apparently aliens have visited Earth and no one told me?

Oh, and turns out that aliens and UFOs are actually just fallen angels? That’s just… great.

And speaking of nutcases: Ultimate Christian Wrestling. Seriously. I invite you to look at the pictures. These guys look like they should be out winning white trash equivalent of Tony’s somewhere.

But that’s okay because the sex convention is offering half price admission to Christian missionaries.

Deerhoof are approaching the remix in a fresh new way.

The Dark Knight‘s already made about $200 million at the box office, and has become the fastest movie to do so (it crossed that milestone on Tuesday), so $300 million is considered not that far away. This movie will most likely be in the $400 million club.

If they (and of course, when) they do a third Batman movie in this current cycle, I wonder if they can get the permission from Frank Miller to just call it “The Goddamn Batman.” I’m sure he’d have no mind as long as their was lots of scantily clad caricatures of women and images of dark knight perverting the youth and kicking prostitutes in the stomach.

George W. Bush = Batman?

Here’s an excellent Mamma Mia review. Speaking of movies that look more painful than cancer, Step Brothers and the aforementioned X-Files 2 came out today. I don’t plan to see them, but I wonder if poor Commander Light is going to. The problem (or one of them, at least) with Step Brothers, is that it looks like John C. Reilly and Will Farrell are playing the exact same character. But then again, you could say that ever since Reilly entered the Appatow-ized movies, he’s been basically playing Will Farrell in different roles. You could’ve dropped Will Farrell into Walk Hard at any point and not missed a beat.

Well, that seems like a good time as any to wrap up this cap off to pre-Shark Week mania/The Dark Knight celebration…

Remember: Actual Shark Week starts on Sunday.

Want a good Batman story to read? Try the David Lapham’s 12 part bizarre oddity “City Of Crime.” It’s not so much of an inspiration for the new movie like The Long Halloween or The Killing Joke, but it does share one quality with The Dark Knight: Batman fails. A lot.

And coming soon here on Counterforce: Occam Razor! You’re going to want to make sure you have something to clean yourself up a bit after that.

Cthulhu cthursday!

Pre-Shark Week continues, taking a break from Jaws‘ species to highlight another dangerous old creature of the deep…

Cthulhu!

Actually, not really. I just like that title: Cthulhu Cthursday, so I thought I’d use it this once as pre-Shark Week mania continues…

Personally, I find Lovecraft to be a bit of a douchebag. His writing is not necessarily what I’d call terrible, but it’s certainly not scary. I don’t think you read it because it’s scary. I think you read it cause you feel like you can jack off to the insane and bizarre mythos. Also, Lovecraft was kind of a racist too, wasn’t he? And that’s never sexy.

Now let’s talk about something sort of somewhat serious…

X-Files: I Want To Believe.

I’m just not sure I believe anymore.

Or that I even want to anymore.

As a child of the 90s, I feel a certain obligation about going to see this movie, but it just looks so fucking bad. So boring and trite and what a waste of time. I feel like I’d rather be raped by the Elder Gods than slide some cash over for this movie, actually.

I remember when the X-Files was good. I remember when I could almost call it my favorite show on TV. And I remember when that all went away. And then there was the ending of the series… Fuck me, what bullshit. What insulting, stupid wretched filthy bullshit. (Not to forget that fucking Brady Bunch episode, which I’d like – I’d like! – to think was just Cthulhu sending me an evil hallucination to drive me mad and not the work of hacks jumping and fucking the shark, but why would that include David (Speaking of sad relics of the 90s, ha ha) Faustino?

Also, if I remember that fucking finale right, didn’t the show end with Mulder and Scully as fugitives on the run from the law and the government while waiting for the aliens to invade and conquer in 2012? So how are they working with the FBI in the movie? And we know they are cause there’s the scene where Special Agent Xzibit recruits Scully in the commercials… And Gillian Anderson, I’m glad to see your intellectual and lovely presence in a movie again, but aren’t you hosting Masterpiece Theater now? How much money did they use to lure you back to this? And why isn’t David Duchovny a bigger star? Sure House Of D looked like less fun that tentacle (Cthulhu!) rape, but still, after all these years, all he has to show for himself is X-Files 2, a song, and a show like Californication? Really?

(Side query: Who out there watches Californication? Is it really as filthy as I hear it is? Is it any good?)

I would file this movie, from the looks of it, under the category of doing it wrong. Heinously wrong, actually.

But that reminds of J. J. Abrams’ upcoming Fringe TV show, which I would file under the category of doing it right by everything I’ve seen of it. It seems like a modern take on the X-Files, only more grounded in real science while at the same time, being more crazy nutso out there yah yah yah. And I’m perfectly okay with that.

Also, it seems that Abrams will be more involved on this one and I like the sound of that. Personally, I think he would’ve been happy to come back to Lost after he finished Mission Impossible 3, but there probably just wasn’t the room nor the need for him anymore. That show perfectly discovered it’s core and legs without him. Or, you could say… it’s tentacles? Cthulhu!

But the thing that really gets me excited about that show (despite Pacey being in it, again to go back to the sad little men of the 90s) is the line from the show’s co-creator, Roberto Orci: “I wanted to do a show with geniuses solving problems.” All TV could benefit from that kind of thinking. I mean, isn’t that part of why people watch House? (Just add in misogyny, emosogyny, and copious amounts of super fun drug use.)

So, to recap…

X-Files 2: Doing it wrong.

Fringe: Possibly doing it right.

What do you think, Cthulhu?

Fair enough.

Speaking of J. J. Abrams (whom I’m just going to go ahead and call the Joss Whedon for the hoi polloi, though I don’t intend that to be an insult necessarily), remember when the Cloverfield mystery was just an excellent teaser trailer and a guessing game? Remember what everyone thought it might be? Cthulhu!

So a quick question about the latest news from the political world… Obama manages to rally something like 200,000 thousand people in (“Channeling Reagan”) Berlin today, and McCain retaliates by… going to a German restaurant in Ohio? Seriously? That’s just… brilliant. And just as amazing as the fact that the Secret Service needs more money to protect these two in what has to be the longest Presidential contest ever.

And how old is John McCain? Like, a billion, right? Could he technically be one of the Old Ones?

Well, maybe not the top spot, but should Cthulhu be expecting a call about being McCain’s running mate?

Link-wise, this is me dropping a little science on you, talking about the aurora borealis and how magicians are light years ahead of the scientists.

And here’s Neil Gaiman discussing Lovecraft and “the mythos.”

And here’s Nas being number one. Which makes me wonder if I could sell the title “Cthulhu of the rap game” to someone. What do you think?

And while you’re thinking about that, here’s Zach Galifianakis and Will Oldham presenting to you Kanye’s “Can’t Tell Me Nothing.” My God, these guys are real bears. You also can’t tell Cthulhu nothin’.

And here’s Galifianakis in an old Fiona Apple video. A real bear.

Also, Cthulhu Cthursday!

Wednesday whatever.

It's shark week in my house. What about yours?

Shark week continues!

(Yes, I am aware that Shark Week is actually next week. This is pre-Shark Week mania! Or something.)

Here at Counterforce, we decided to not make this a personal blog. It’s not about who we’re fucking and how good we look doing the nasty or who’s pissing us off at work or blah blah blah. But you’re going to get a little of that from me today as I take a break from my usual vituperations… but for a reason.

Recently I met a woman, a lovely young woman who’s gorgeous and smart and funny and most importantly, extremely fun to talk to and be around. I’m not sure, despite all those wonderful criteria, that I want to date her (or that I could, even though I’m awesome, maybe awesome doesn’t turn her on?), but I would like to be her friend. I missed an opportunity to talk to her and elicit certain personal information from her and now she’s leaving for the fall.

Thus it’s fallen to me to find her via the creepy electronic world.

It’s not like we’re strangers, but it is creepy. But more so than that, I ask you, does the presence of the internet as a social factor in our lives make us (or, in this case, just me) slightly weaker in our interactions? Has social networking become a kind of safety net that allows us to maybe not “go for it” like we should when certain opportunities present themselves?

Shit, I don’t know. You tell me.

(Side note: I already found the girl on Facebook. Their search function is remarkably easy to operate and it took me a grand total of 4 minutes to discover her. Does that make me feel less stalker-ish or just like a web 2.0 stalker? Ugh.)

(At some point, I probably will write a post on when we all see connections where previously there was none. Let’s hope it’s not for a long, long time though.)

(Also, just kidding on the above mention of Friendster. I know that no one actually uses that site anymore.)

Tiger shark?

In other quick news of the internet:

Nature is starting to drown Texas (and part of Mexico too).

Dear Nickelback, drink poison. Please?

Does this count as real life supervillainy?

At some point, I really am going to write a post about double standards when it comes to the internet and how I’ve grown to despise the term “overshare.” Also, I’ll mention that I think Emily Gould is cool.

Until then… Happy Hump Day!

I am Land Shark. Epic LOLZ!

"I am Land Shark. Epic LOLZ!"

Sorta super tuesday.

At some point or another, you’ve played.

I finally found someone to agree with me that Kal Penn is basically just the (of) Indian (descent) Zach Braff clone.

Another slow news day, but you remember what I said about Christian Bale probably overworking himself yesterday? Well, today I’d say that guy is probably seriously stressed out. I mention that specifically because this seems to be unofficial Dark Knight week here at Counterforce (at least with me, anyways). Either that, or it’s Shark Week! (editor’s note: it’s Shark Week)

From the wonderul Tracy Jordan (as played by the sometimes brilliant Tracy Morgan on 30 Rock):

Who wouldn’t take advice from the man who starred in this movie:

I know I certainly would. Here’s another bit of sage advice:

Awesome. And speaking of 30 Rock, here’s a picture of the incredible and incredibly beautiful Tina Fey:

And before I go, a few other tasty treats from the internet and bloggery in general:

What a shock, John McCain is a mean old douche!

The myth of the stupid voter.

The stars are exploding.

Be careful how much you love your animals.

Oh, and Shark Week!

Just another manic monday…

Jesus, talk about your slow news day…

Today barely even registers.

What do you think? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Better to glide into a week gently like an old man easing into a bath, or would you rather your week starts with a bang?

I just don’t know. But what I do know is that I’m going to take a little break from singing the numerous praises of and getting lost in the continuous hyper excitement of The Dark Knight, and talk a little about upcoming movies. Let’s talk about those that look like they’re doing it right. And those that just don’t.

For starters… WATCHMEN, directed by Zack Snyder.

Big, blue, and omnipotent or a golden god? Neither. You're a sleazebag for knocking up, then ditching Mary Louise Parker, Crudup.

Which category does it fall in? Simple: Doing it wrong. Big time. Not that the graphic novel of 300 was brilliant, but the movie version was certainly not. It was like a redneck’s version of history. In fact, I’m going to go so far as to say that people who loved that movie are the reason this country is turning into an idiocracy. The Dawn Of The Dead remake was not a great movie, but wasn’t nearly as bad as the diehard angered purists wanted it to be, but still, 300 really hurt any cred that Zack Snyder had in the bank.

And then the teaser trailer for Watchmen, his latest epic comic book movie adaptation was released (on Friday, in front of The Dark Knight in some theaters).

Even Yahoo couldn't come up with a generic caption about how unintersting this looks.

Since you’ll probably be hearing about this again on Counterforce, I’ll keep it fairly simple for now (avoid quibbles like the cgi, which looks about half done): It all comes down to the question of, Hey Zack Snyder, did you ever read Watchmen, or did you just look at all the pretty pictures?

But to cap that off, I’ll leave you with some words from the creator of Watchmen and the “great bearded wizard of Northampton,” Alan Moore, who had this to say about another of his creations coming to the big screen: “I’ve not seen any recent comic book films, but I didn’t particularly like the book 300. I had a lot of problems with it, and everything I heard or saw about the film tended to increase [those problems] rather than reduce them: [that] it was racist, it was homophobic, and above all it was sublimely stupid.”

"To paint comics as childish and illiterate is lazy. Some comics are very literate - unlike most films." - Alan Moore

Watchmen is probably considered one of the greatest graphic novels of all time, and Moore, who is a crazy fun bastard magician and worships orgy loving snake deities (and also wrote the Batman story “The Killing Joke,” one of the very many inspirations for The Dark Knight), is probably going to go down as one of the greatest writers in the medium, but still… It’s kind of like trying to make a movie out of something like Catcher In The Rye. No, thanks. I’d really rather not watch you fuck on top of something I love, thank you.

Moving on: Terminator Salvation, directed by *sigh* McG.

"Come with me if you want to live."

Another Terminator movie, coming after a pretty pathetic Terminator TV show and directed by, of all people, McG. And it doesn’t even feature the Governator. And yet, you ask yourself, which category does this fall into? Doing it right.

For starters: the cast. Christian Bale, possibly the hardest working man (he’s about to play Robin Hood in the new Ridley Scott movie) in genre movies (seriously, you English bastard, take a vacation before you pass out), Helena Bonham Carter, Bryce Dallas Howard, Anton Yelchin (Chekov in J.J. Abrams upcoming Stark Trek reboot), and Common. The trailer came out the same time as the Watchmen trailer and for a movie that you either A) had no faith in, or B) couldn’t possibly ponder being worth your time, it wasn’t that bad. It told you absolutely nothing, but it was intriguing. Possibly because it primarily just featured Christian Bale and a bunch of robots, but those are two things that probably every movie could benefit from a little of. If Mamma Mia! had Christian Bale and killer robots in it… Well, I couldn’t promise that I’d go see it, but it’d be a hell of a lot more likely, wouldn’t it?

"You're a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death and then play around in your blood."

It’s still a little early, but I think I could probably say that I’m a little excited to see this. Just a little.

Another movie that’s in the doing it right category for now based on it’s trailer is the next Bond movie, Quantum Of Solace. I had serious reservations going into Casino Royale and especially with the casting of Daniel Craig as Bond, but this movie looks good. A good example of a movie that I’m not that excited about would be whatever the fuck Tarantino is doing next. And a movie that I’m both looking forward to and dreading in an equal WTF cold sweat is Crank 2:

"Does it look like I have 'cunt' written on my forehead?"

It’s like we’re entering a renaissance for big crazy ridiculous movie making.

Oh, and before I go, a few quick links:

Politics, politics, politics.

Music, music, and good writers.

Life, love, and Neal Stephenson.

Oh, and you keep your friends close, but you keep your frenemies closer.

Whoever wins, we lose

I’d like to submit a topic for your discussion and debate. As many of you know, California recently mandated state-wide douchebaggery. At the same time, I’ve been seeing tons of dudes rocking the girls’ sunglasses upside down on the back of their heads look. And it begs the question: which accessory is the douchiest of them all?

The Bluetooth earpiece when not in a car?

The sunglasses on rear of cranium?

Or, the old standby, the sunglasses on indoors when not participating in the World Series of Poker?

The ‘Tooth-in-ear just screams “I’m important! No, really!” Which is funny, because 10 years ago, we all thought that kinda star trek shit would be geeky, but it’s actually far more prevalent amongst ‘bags. On the other hand, the backwards sunglasses are just begging for anybody to notice your $200 shades, even though it’s 11:30 pm. But the indoor sunglasses tell the world that you’re willing to sacrifice visual fidelity in order to put glass between you and everyone else.

I don’t know, it’s a tough call. Right now I’m leaning towards the backwards sunglasses, if only because I keep seeing bros roll up at like 3:30 am with this look. It’s like, dude, there’s no way you couldn’t have found the opportunity to take off your shades in the last 7 hours since daylight faded. Surely you could have left them in the giant penis metaphor truck that you drive.

But what do my fellow members of the Counterforce think?

Also, dead money kids: you never see Negreanu or Ivey wearing shades at the table. I’m just sayin’.

Knew there was a reason I always kinda liked Miranda

Yahoo! front page wants to warn me about frenemies.

Why wouldn't you take dating advice from a cougar 5 years on the wrong side of menopause?

Why wouldn't you take dating advice from a cougar 5 years on the wrong side of menopause?

Without having seen the movie, I’ll go ahead and agree with Miranda because Big is a power-tool. But then, Carrie is so¬†aggressively¬†shallow that she probably deserves to rot into old age with a creep like him. Can’t wait for SatC 2: Havana Nights where poor Ms. Bradshaw discovers that Big’s been married with a family in Queens the whole time and she’s just his clueless mistress on the side.

But I just want to say that I love the concept of a frenemy and would like to see this word get more play in our culture. Even if it’s just being used to describe a friend who is trying to limit your own self-destructive behavior.