“One! You’ve killed one Mummy!
“Yeah! Twice!”
Michelle Yeoh, pondering why she's in this film
or something. Have movie reviewers just completely given up? I think Ebert now gives any studio non-comedy three stars just for being screened (he’ll also give a movie with nice any tits at least three stars, but that’s another matter). Seems like no matter how shitty the summer blockbuster, critics around the country will consistently hand out apologetic “B” grades to all comers. These reviews tend to start out something like, “this is the retarded-est fucking movie ever made, and it hurt my ears, but it is what it is, so blah blah blah I’m calling this film above average-cakes.” What’s annoying is that any schlocky summer flick gets this treatment, but screen something indie or off-beat with a tiny amount of edge, and some critics will have no problem ripping it to shreds. I mean, really Roger, do you still think the fucking X-Files sequel is a star and a half better than Fight Club?
Side note: The Onion A.V. Club has really gone downhill lately. Their film reviews are all over the place and their film features (like “My Year of Flops” or “The New Cult Canon”) are starting to read like the overlong, overwritten ramblings of a second-year film student. Specifically, a second-year film student who’s not good at writing. And these are the same film writers who’ve been on the site for years. It’s bizarre and kind of ticklish to watch their skills deteriorate before our eyes. And maybe this is expecting too much from the dumb masses of the intertubes, but you’d think a site as witty as the Onion would have at least marginally sharp commenters in the A.V. Club article threads. As it is, I think the A.V. Club board people might actually be even stupider than AICN talkback.
Side note II: Skarkey’s Revenge!: It’s sad that Salon.com’s Stephanie ‘Thank God for Camille Paglia or I’d be the worst writer on this site!’ Zacharek gave a bad review to The Mummy 3 and I’m actually surprised by it. I mean, I can’t see how anyone could give this movie a good review, but she’s been so off-mark for so long that I was sure she’d spin some bullshit reason to like it. You know, like the A.V. Club and Ebert did. Three stars? Really?? Get the fuck out. Although really, Stephanie, how can you praise Hellboy Fucking 2 but not this?
This is what Tracy looks like when she's talking about under-sampled gender study results
Salon.com should just let some of their Broadsheet writers do the movie reviews instead. Speaking of which, my internet crush on Tracy Clark-Flory just got a little bit bigger. But she doesn’t even know I exist!
Epilogue: Have you ever sidled up and eavesdropped on the proles when they talk movies? It’s fascinating and soul-crushing and fascinating. And soul-crushing. I once heard a radio shack guy telling his co-worker about this awesome movie he saw the night before. He actually motioned for the other dude to stop what he was doing and pay attention so that he could earnestly tell him, “The thing about that movie is: it makes you think.” Solemn nodding all around. The movie in question? The Sum of All Fears.
It makes you think.
