Counterforce

We here at Counterforce recognize there are many reasons to fear tomorrow. Terrorists living next door, government agents listening to your phone calls because there are terrorists living next door, climate change, Bravo’s never ending parade of reality competition TV shows based on the pastimes of homosexuals and the hags who love’em, a possible McCain presidency, a possible offspring of Madonna and A-Rod, a possible Bravo reality TV show based on Madonna and A-Rod raising said offspring (sure to feature lots of underwear swapping). We also realize that some of you might need your worst fears assuaged and advice on how to cope with these coming atrocities. Well, we’re sorry but you’re a big boy/girl and you’re just gonna have to learn how to deal with it.

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We’re sorry, that was mean. We’ll tell you what, to make it up to you we have invited world renowned Zoologist, European playboy and World Champion Gitin’r Doner, Occam Razor, to write a weekly column on what you can do in preparing for a Post Peak Oil World, titled What You Can Do in Preparing for a Post Peak Oil World. Occam suffers fools lightly and will not be taking any questions at the end of each column.

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Sometime after World War II the United States Military and its defense contractors were sitting around with an assload of explosives taking up space with nary a Nazi to toss it at. Sure, plenty could be stockpiled to ensure there would not be an explosives gap in the run up to the Cold War, but the principle language spoken there was nuclear weapons. I guess a truckload of ammonium nitrate just isn’t as sexy.

What to do, oh, how about we use said ammonium nitrate to fertilize our nation’s farms. Rich in N-P-K (Nitrogen, Phosphorus, and Potassium, the macronutrients needed by plants to grow), the nations factories kept busy by the war movement could now have peacetime purposes of supplying farms with monoculture producing fertilizers. Now instead of a small scale farm that used a rotation of seasonal crops to use and replenish the soil, we could just plant corn for a couple months, harvest, then plant some soybeans, harvest, repeat. And thus the industrial agricultural complex is born.

I feel like at this point I have to state the obvious, food’s kinda important. You, like, need it and shit. Unfortunately food in America just means you are eating oil. Mmmmmm nummy nummy. Oil goes into the manufacture of chemical fertilizers that help sustain large monoculture crops, oil goes into the pesticides to protect these monoculture crops that evolution has not developed any natural defense for. Oil goes into the harvest of these monoculture crops, oil goes into the transportation of these monoculture crops. Oil goes into the processing of these monoculture corn and soybean crops into new and exciting foodstuffs, and oil brings you to the store to buy them.

So it shouldn’t come as a surprise that Post Peak Oil, when there’s enough oil to go around but it ain’t cheap no more, that the price of food will jump up a bit. Just a bit. Then when oil becomes scarce, well food will too. Which means in a Post Peak Oil World we will have to go back to a smaller scale of agriculture. Which means more than illegal immigrants and huge fossil fuel powered combines will have to toil in the farms to produce enough food for everyone to survive. Which means, like, almost everybody. Which means we have finally arrived upon today’s topic of discussion, a subject that’s very near and dear to me.

Junk in the trunk.

I feel like at this point I have to state the obvious, farm work is hard stuff, man. Bending over, squatting down, picking things up off the ground, like, trying to lead a stubborn cow to a barn or something. What do all these activities have in common? Ah yes, of course. They all require a sturdy back and powerful haunches. Sure, maybe now when society doesn’t have to worry about who’s going to plant and harvest their beets society can idolize knock kneed bimbos ackin’ like hoes. But when real work needs to be done my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun.

Yes, we are going back to a time when physical attraction will again make perfect sense. Sure, right now Johnny Party Promoter makes his living organizing parties for a night club in Las Vegas. The masses are rich off of buying and selling homes, stocks, bonds and beanie babies to each other, and don’t have to worry about the hard work of obtaining food. Let Juventud in a tomato field in Coalinga, CA worry about that. So Johnny Party Promoter feels he doesn’t need to have kids with strong backs and hearty hindquarters, they’ll be IT managers or the head of marketing for a company that sells ad space on cable television systems. That’s why he settled for Jenny HR Analyst, the Associate HR Analyst (eventual successor to be HR Dept. Manager) for a company that consults with manufacturers of different types to make sure their manufacturing process is as streamlined as possible. Sure, she’s got a lower torso comparable to that of a water heater, but their kids are going to go to UC Riverside, why would they need to be physically suited for manual labor?

Seeking out Ms Fat Booty might sound like I’m objectifying women, but I have to admit, I am. If I’m to survive I need an around the way girl, one that’s right for me, and one that can fasten a bullock cart to my oxen before I take this season’s harvest to market. So I got Ms. Fat Booty loading my oxen, harvesting my rhubarb, pumping water from the well and pumping out stout legged children with great chances of survival to further propagate my genes. Jenny HR Manager probably would have troubles with getting the mouldboard plough on a straight and true path, fucking up my horizontal rows.

I will say this, the hard work, it’s mutual. I’m out there too, slaughtering chickens, diverting a local tributary to irrigate the recently planted bean sprout fields. And past gender specific roles, they can be broken or reversed. She is more than welcome to go to market and barter with the blacksmith over price or trade of a new plow, she can shoot at the Indians who try to reclaim our homestead. Just as long as she doesn’t lose that big ole juicy butt.

Well, I’m not gonna leave you gals hanging, the point of this article after all is what you can do in preparing for a Post Peak Oil World, that’s why it’s called What You Can Do In Preparing for a Post Peak Oil World. The first task at hand is do some side bends and situps, but please do something about that butt. What I suggest is a powerlifter’s routine, more specifically the Westside training routine. Lots of compound movements that will strengthen the core and add much power to the lower half of your body. A good starting routine would be:

Day 1:

Back Squats 5 reps x 5 sets

Straight Leg Deadlifts 5×5

Bent Over Rows 5×5

Flat Bench Press 5×5

Pullups 4×12

Day 3:

Dips 4×12

Incline Bench Press 5×5

Deadlifts 5×5

Military Press 5×5

Pullups 4×12

Day 5:

Front Squats 5×5

Dumbbell Rows 5×5 (each arm)

Decline Bench Press 5×5

Straight Leg Deadlifts 5×5

Hanging Leg Raises 4×20

On your off days you could stand to do some cardio, but really it’s not essential. Maybe read up on the farmer’s almanac so that you can get your circadian rhythm in lockstep with the sunrise and sunset.

Next Week: When Anarchy Ensues, Well, I Hope You Own a Gun: Preparing For When the Rest of Society Realizes They’re Fucked and Start to Panic.