We here at Counterforce recognize there are many reasons to fear tomorrow. Terrorists living next door, government agents listening to your phone calls because there are terrorists living next door, climate change, Bravo’s never ending parade of reality competition TV shows based on the pastimes of homosexuals and the hags who love’em, a possible McCain presidency, a possible offspring of Madonna and A-Rod, a possible Bravo reality TV show based on Madonna and A-Rod raising said offspring (sure to feature lots of underwear swapping). We also realize that some of you might need your worst fears assuaged and advice on how to cope with these coming atrocities. Well, we’re sorry but you’re a big boy/girl and you’re just gonna have to learn how to deal with it.
We’re sorry, that was mean. We’ll tell you what, to make it up to you we have invited world renowned Zoologist, European playboy and World Champion Gitin’r Doner, Occam Razor, to write a weekly column on what you can do in preparing for a Post Peak Oil World, titled What You Can Do in Preparing for a Post Peak Oil World. Occam suffers fools lightly and will not be taking any questions at the end of each column.
One day a long time ago all these French lady fishmongers were sitting around bitching and moaning how high the price of bread was. Finally someone tired of listening to them squawk on and on endlessly told them to do something about it or shut the fuck up. So they probably squawked on and on endlessly about whether they should take that person’s advice, and after a coffee klatch or something they decided they were going to do something about it. They had it in their mind that the hoity toity of France had shacked up with all that bread in the suburbs of Paris, Versailles. So they strapped up and marched on Versailles with the aim of gafflin’ that bread.
Once there they started a lootin’ and a shootin’. They made it to the royal palace and captured two of the guards, beheaded them, and stuck their heads on pikes. That’s pretty hardcore, especially for French people. Then they called for Marie Antoinette and she said something about eating cake, which the mob found fairly cliché so they all pointed their iron at her, but she didn’t fake the funk, so they left. Personally, I think they just got tired of looking at Kirsten Dunst’s janky ass mouth. Marie Antointette then went on to live a long happy life, I’m pretty sure.
Well now, as we have discussed there’s a time of hurt on the horizon even worse than hedge fund swindles, housing market collapses and Jennifer Anniston and John Mayer break ups. I really thought those two kids would last, they seemed so in love. James Howard Kunstler’s The Long Emergency details the many ways us US Americans have mishandled our resources since the WWII. The end result is a sense of entitlement that has been marinating several generations deep. Chief among them the real American dream, no not home ownership (though somewhat related), but that you can make a dollar out of 15 cents. Through environmental degradation and obscene labor practices the Industrial Revolution in America was actually geared towards the manufacture of things of worth, the automobile withstanding. Soon people didn’t want to break their backs in the ole broom factory when they could go to college and become a systems analyst. So they did, and then they bought their kids Howdy Dowdy shit, or something. I dunno, I’ve missed the last two episodes of Madmen.
Point is, US Americans got leather so soft. And spoiled, spoiled rotten. Let me ask you a rhetorical question that I expect to have answered, when you encounter a spoiled child with a sense of entitlement who is used to having nummy nummy High Fructose Corn Syrup Aid all the time, and you tell them that the Mexicans and Arabs can’t produce anymore High Fructose Corn Syrup Aid and the Africans will only sell what little High Fructose Corn Syrup Aid they have to the Chinese and the Russians will never in a million year share the last remaining reserves of substance of High Fructose Corn Syrup Aid with that spoiled child with a sense of entitlement, what do you think that spoiled child with a sense of entitlement will do?
I’m going to assume you said throw a fit. Kicking. Screaming. Banging their head on the floor and then eventually coming at dear ole Mum with a knife. So it is only natural that a nation full of spoiled children of all ages with a raging sense of entitlement will react no differently when the life they know can no longer run without that sweet sweet oil. They will be a lootin’ and a shootin’ and placing heads on pikes. Which means you the reader will have to be prepared how to deal with the angry mobs, and that’s what we will discuss in this article. After all, the point of this column is what you can do in preparing for a Post Peak Oil World, that’s why it’s called What You Can Do in Preparing for a Post Peak Oil World.
The plan of attack is to hide amongst the unwashed (we’re talking literally in the absence of proper infrastructure) masses. While hopefully at the end of this column’s run you will be fully prepared to live well adjusted lives, you cannot live in complete isolation and you will have to interact with what remains of society once in a while. The easiest way would be to adopt some retarded sob story about how close you were to realizing the American dream. Phrases such as “Some future, huh? I was this close to finish paying off the Denali, I was totally going to hop on a flight to Vegas and bet it all on red. But unfortunately Southwest went out of business mid-flight and I crashed landed on this mysterious island that demands sacrifices.” will totally help you fit in with the others… who aren’t as well prepared.
They key thing that will you need to do in order to fit in with the torch and pitch fork wielding set, is how to either properly disembowel or behead someone loosely associated with present day authority or aristocracy. I got this lesson from Remarque: always aim the blade for the stomach, if you aim too high your blade will become stuck in the ribcage and that will slow you down and perhaps piss off the group of former real estate agents and home furnishings salesmen you’re raiding the gated community with. Beheading is simple, it’s much like laying a good hit in football, aim for several inches behind the neck, so that when you make your fatal blow you go through the neck, and a sound like wailing winds could be heard, but if you mess up you could have that happen to your own, which… would… be… ridiculoussssssss…
Well there you have it, the easy steps for survival if you have to come out your compound to hunt down rabbits and find yourself in the presence of an angry mob ready to lay siege on Piedmont.
Next Week: Beans, rabbit and maize: The dietary choices you must prepare yourself to make in a Post Peak Oil World.