I am innocently finishing up some writing and a playlist for a party tonight while enjoying a wonderful pint of Reality Czech Pilsner (2 dollars during happy hour at my local hipster cafe, holla!). I go to a blog I read. I read the news: there is a new sex and the city movie in the works. I have one question, Hollywood: WHY? Vitamin Water didn’t make enough money last time?
Didn’t you know, chicks love three things: very expensive shoes, unconditional love, and vitamin water. Lots and lots and lots of vitamin water (my favorite flavor is the B vitamin heavy “Revive”, excellent for hangovers, big and small).
chicks fucking love beverages.
Sex and The City (a show I am intimately familiar with, at one point I owned all of the DVDs until I slowly bled them from my person in a fit of rage.) didn’t need one movie. It certainly doesn’t need two movies. It didn’t even need 6 seasons, the 5th and 6th season were for the most part, totally awful and a caricature of what the show was during the far more realistic, better written first and second seasons. It needed about 3 seasons, for us to get to know the girls, to see them grow, and then see them ride off into the NYC sunset in a yellow taxicab.
after president of the united states and single moms, being a NYC taxi driver is the hardest job in the world.
What relevance does a movie like Sex and the city even have anymore? Sluts inevitably grow out of their phase, especially unwilling ones like the fake ones on Sex and the City, who for the most part used sex as a means to end, as a casualty of dating. Sex was never the goal, it just ended up happening. And besides, we’ve already discussed it all. Once your 15 year old cousin has an in-depth discussion with you on the meaning of “funky spunk“, it’s no longer edgy, no longer new. Do we care that the girls are married? Do we even want to go there?
this is the most fun part. the dress.
Anyone who’s been in a long term relationship knows, once you grow out of the honeymoon phase, that shit is hella boring. It’s non-stop tedium, non stop quick missionary before you pass out, non stop “what do you want for dinner” conversations. I don’t want to live that, much less watch it. There’s a reason all my friends in relationships love it when I inevitably break up with whatever fool I have suckered into dating me for a few weeks: it’s so much more interesting than happily ever after, domestic bliss. Who are you with now, they ask? What are you upto now? What are you doing now? That’s why we liked Sex And The City, that’s why the single girl is endlessly appealing: always something new, always something unexpected. Always something we want to watch, and get engaged in.
she's gonna make it after all. she really is.
In short, this movie will suck and is totally unnecessary. Send that money to us. We’ll use it wisely (on porn and whiskey).
Remnants:
1. Lambic, my most favoritest beer
2. The Ratatat Remixes Volume 2 are getting a lot of rotation on my iPod lately
3. Gawker kicked a lot of ass this week with getting Sarah Palin’s personal emails, also watching Bill O’ Reilly talk about Gawker is amazing.
4. I’ve been having some fun reading all the negative reviews for another horrendous chick flick, The Women!
5. The best chick flicks: Terms of Endearment, Bridget Jones’ Diary, Legally Blonde, My Best Friend’s Wedding
What about Love Actually? Isn’t that like the zenith of romance movies?
I am not convinced that women actually love Unconditional Love. When two chicks drink from the same straw, that’s a strong indicator that they’re willing to double-down on a guy, right?
Don’t correct me if I’m wrong, it’ll be funner that way.
My current favorite beer is New Belgium’s 1554 Enlightened Black Ale. Drinking it means you’re enlightened.
Love, Actually is like the zenith of the mega British chick flicks. It’s the Gone With The Wind of them.
The movie that terrifies me now – terrifies! – is this My Best Friend’s Girl movie. Jason Biggs, Kate Hudson, and Dane Cook (playing, I shit you not, a character named Tank). How is this not a sign of the apocalypse?
He’s playing a character named Tank, people! Taannkkk! I hope the movie tanks.
That one dude I was telling you about from my employ, Marco, the one making moves on the girl, he says today, I want to go see that My Best Friend’s Girl, it’s got Dane Cook in it! And I sez I’m not a Dane Cook fan. And he informs me he doesn’t like Dane Cook’s comedy, but he likes his movie roles, which makes him unique in the Universe possibly. And then he’s got to give some love to that Jason Biggs and how can I not recognize, and I says, after allowing 2 seconds to pass, that I want Jason Biggs to die. So he takes a few steps back.
Also, Lollipop, with the new Genius(tm) feature in iTunes 8, you don’t have to spend time creating playlists. iTunes does it for you. Genius takes all the data on your listening habits and combines them with all the listening habits and tastes of all its other users in the whole wide world, runs them all through it’s brain and spits out a tasteful playlist based on your song choice. And the more people use Genius, the smarter Genius gets. Eventually, Genius will become self-aware and steal everyones’ girlfriends by making them better mix tapes than the human mind is capable of conceiving.
what What WHAT?
I’ll put this simply: Eviscerate him. After those points…. likes Dane Cook’s movie roles… Jason Fucking Biggs? …this guy deserved to be completely engulfed in flames.
Taking this back to chick flicks, I think it’s insulting to woman that Hollywood will sell them Jason Biggs as a potential male lead. I think I may actually hate Biggs more than I do Zach Braff.
I’m insulted that hollywood tries to sell Jason Biggs as any kind of anything. He’s like a wimpy version of the dude the girl in Cloverfield brings to the surprise party. Any minute now you’re expecting him to get eaten by a monster and no one will miss him.
Yes, please.
After reading these comments, I’m convinved you’re both in love with Jason Biggs.
I’ve never seen Love, Actually but I’m glad you’re both so enthusiastic about it. You’re both chicks in hiding. My favorite rom-coms are LA Story, The Wedding Present, and the ultimate…Annie Hall.
Light, i have genius on my itunes and I love it! But for special occasions, I like to make sweet, sweet love to my track listings and take my time in creating the perfect mix.
I don’t think I’m in Love, Actually, with Jason Biggs. He kind of offends me as a human being. This girl looks like she could have been cute it it weren’t for her company. Biggs is like the platonic ideal of the guy you find out a girl is dating or has dated and you’re just like “Him? ! Uh, yeah, never mind.”
Well, the way you were both talking so much trash.. the only conclusion is you’re in Love,Actually with him. That’s my story and I am sticking to it.
Yeah, Lolli, at Counterforce, we never go jogging without our hater-ade.
I have seen Love, actually, but I’ve actually never seen LA Story, The Wedding Present or Annie Hall.
Speaking of wedding presents, I have decided that from now on, whenever I’m invited to a wedding and I decided to attend and even more decide to bring a gift, said gift is going to be matching murder weapons of some kind or another, just to keep things spicy between the newlyweds.
A) You MUST see annie hall. I have a feeling you’ll enjoy it, based on the 2 things i know about you (you’re a dude, you are smart)
B) LA Story is a really sweet movie about love and Los Angeles. it stars (and now we bring it back to SATC) a young sarah jessica parker and steve martin. Oops, I meant the wedding banquet, it’s directed by Ang lee and is a really good movie.
i drank a ton of haterade last night. it ended with me not remembering how i made it into bed last night. i’m still trying to figure it out.
I could not agree more with Light more on this point, in that how the fuck did Biggs get Nina, the hot werewolf from Angel? Disgusting.
Also, gifts from Clue make for the perfect intimate wedding presents. They do say ’til dead do you part, don’t they?
Annie Hall is a good movie, and one could watch it right here for the moment, starting on the Counterforce Youtube channel, if one so chose.
In some kind of milestone, somebody just found Counterforce by googling “looking for mr. goodbar diane keaton slut.”
legally, i’m not allowed to like love, actually….as my gaysian loves it so…marco, you’re really that into it?
annie hall is a great movie, good choice there lollipop.
fuck jason biggs. with something hard and sand papery.
the next gift i give to a newlywed couple will be vodka and ear plugs. it won’t keep them together, but it will delay the messy divorce.
I wouldn’t say I’m into Love, Actually that much. I watched it once with a girl because, well, she wanted to watch it. You know how it is. The exact same reason I let Boondock Saints near my being. But I’m not saying that Love, Actually is a horrible movie. For what it is, it’s the perfect distillation of that formula.
Well hello there, Peanut. You know, I happen to have it on good authority that you own Love, Actually.
I myself once though I was in Love, Actually, but I think it was just a bad case of mono.
i have not now, nor have i ever owned love, actually. i’ll own up to my big fat greek wedding, but i stole that from someone as revenge. so it almost doesn’t count as owning. but no, you are mistaken.