1. Change your sheets and make your bed.  Put that box of tissues somewhere we can’t see it. You don’t need that shit tonight, anyway. I am constantly amazed by the lack of detail dudes put into cleaning up when they know they might have a girl over. There is nothing worse than going into a room reeking of balls and socks and with video game shit everywhere. Clean it up, fool!  If things are impromptu, make sure to go into the room before the girl goes in there so you can clean before she sees your mess. Send her to go talk to your roommates and make them jealous they are spending the Saturday night trying to play Freebird on Expert while you are finally getting some ass.

obscene interiors by justinspace

2.  The next part assumes there has been very little pre-gaming. If you’ve been making out all over street corners and on the train or in a car and you’re just coming home to continue to the next phase, then skip this part. But, if nothing has happened, but you’re here because you think something might, then this is where it counts to be very smooth. If you have an aggressive lass who is pushing you up against the wall once the door is closed, then lucky you! However, realize most women are taught that desiring sex is wrong and that they should never initiate anything, even the smartest girls. And if you don’t do anything, we might just think you’re gay or that you think we’re ugly. If it’s getting awkward, then it’s time for you to drive.   You can ask to kiss her (always cute) or you can wait for a break and go in for it.  Once you’re there, you need to slow the fuck down and go at least 20 minutes touching everything but the obvious areas. I say 20, but this should take a long time.

foreplay with hobbits (for real the title of this image)

3. Talking dirty is hard to do well, but there’s one thing I would recommend: underpromise and over deliver.  This is not the time for bragging. You’re probably not going to make her come 10 times in one night (and if you can, I can be reached at dancethis@gmail.com), you’re likely not going to “tear her up” (and uh, ouch!), and your dick is likely not 10 inches long (and if it is, please send photos to dancethis@gmail.com). Talking dirty really means two things: you telling her how hot/pretty/beautiful she is and how much she turns you on and you telling her the things you will ACTUALLY do before you do them. Compliments and promises. That’s it.

4. Heavy petting (rules):

The rules here are simple: start on the outside and work your way in. As in over clothes, and then under. The key to everything is anticipation. This is advice that will help you on your whole journey: start slow, then work your way up. Don’t manhandle unless requested. Just because you’re almost naked now doesn’t mean you should stop touching her arms or her stomach or her legs and stick to just the naughty bits. Get your hands everywhere. It’s so much sexier and makes you seem like less of a desperate 14 year old boy who just wants to touch boobs.

A word about clitoral stimulation: INDIRECT is best. Anything else is too intense. If she wants more something in her, like say fingers, the wrong thing to say is: “Oh, are you that big you need more?” (true story I heard this weekend). Continue to compliment profusely; you may even get some in return!

an actual black hole. like in space.

4. At this point, you may be like, enough about her, what about ME? Don’t worry about it, I will cover what needs to be done with your precious erection in my follow up guide, Lollipop Gomez’s Guide To Sex for Smart Sluts. I’ll post that the next time I can take a break from slutting around, which may be never.

5. Oral Sex. Crippling fear for some, world’s most fun activity to do with their mouths for others. Some men think that just the fact that they are giving us this gift is enough to make them some kind of sexual god, while others are quick and boring about it and do it out of obligation (this in a common attitude displayed amongst so-called “sensitive men” who don’t actually enjoy giving it too much, but don’t want to be seen as not trying).

Tristan Toarmino is another black haired woman with glasses who likes to dispense sexual advice. the difference is you should listen to her.

A few tips: Just like you hate lazy, dry blowjobs, don’t do the same to your lady. If you don’t feel it, then skip it. If she is one of the 5 women on earth who still have pubic hair, don’t act all freaked out about it because it’s creepy and makes you look like a pedophile. Just pretend you’re in some amazing 70s porn.

Play some bad music in your head, run your fingers through it and get to work. Everyone’s different, but in general, you should start with some kissing, then tongue, and then fingers until all of this is working in a beautiful, magical combination that’ll have her unable to talk for several minutes. If she pulls you back up before you’ve been there for too long, you’re probably not doing a very good job and she is getting self conscious and turned off. Don’t take it personally, there’s always a next time.

Oral sex while on the rag should be reserved for people you intend on marrying. Like there should be a ring somewhere in the room. But, I’m just old fashioned.  If you have a problem with any other sexual activity while a woman is on the rag, re-consider your sexuality.

Before we move on to the BIG FINISH (for Part 2), just one other tip: If you’re a music dork and you need to have music, make sure the playlist is on for enough hours and that carefully orchestrated mix of Radiohead Live and Magnetic Fields doesn’t all of a sudden turn into Cannibal Corpse.  What a fucking buzzkill. Put that motherfucker on repeat.

Till next time…

LG