Counterforce

You got the touch!

You got the power!

Yeah!

I saw The Happening the other day and let me tell you that it is one of the most purest and truest pieces of God awful shit that I have seen in a long, long time. I could explain the plot to you in some form of detail but I’d rather slice my soul up into little pieces and feed it to rabid animals. Let’s just say that the planet Earth, but more specifically, the plants (the above image is from the scene where Mark Wahlberg has to tell a common house plant that he comes in peace, only to find out that it’s plastic) of the planet Earth – wants to kill all humans by releasing a toxin into the air that causes people to immediately kill themselves.

I’ll repeat myself: This is a movie about people wanting to immediately kill themselves. That’s right. This is a movie that makes you want to immediately kill yourself, super metal comment style!

The movie is so fucking bad. Gitmo bad. Auschwitz bad. And on top of it, remember how great Mark Wahlberg was in Boogie Nights and I Heart Huckabees ? Remember that level of pure sincerity and almost angry but childlike way of accessing the world that he displayed? It’s part of what made Andy Samberg’s “Mark Wahlberg Talks To Animals” skit seem to genuine, right? Well, about 15 minutes into The Happening I started to wonder if Mark Wahlberg’s character, or possibly Marky Mark himself, might actually be mentally retarded.

After all is said and done

You never walked, you’ve never run

You’re a winner!

Ah, Boogie Nights, I could gush on about you all night long. You don’t even know. Don’t tempt me. Don’t you dare.

“What can you expect when you’re on top? You know? It’s like Napoleon when he was king, you know, people were just constantly trying to conquer him, you know, in the Roman empire. So it’s history repeating itself all over again.”

Don’t ask me why, but I absolutely love that they used Stan Bush’s “You Got The Touch” as one of Dirk’s songs in the movie. The original version of the song was in the first Transformers movie, the animated one, not the one with Megan Fox and Shia LaBeowulf. There’s been some press of late about the sequel to their Transformers movie, which… I’m surprised to say that I kind of liked. It was beyond stupid, too cutesy in parts, but fun up until about the last forty five minutes when it went super mega hyper anime action fest GO! and you just couldn’t tell what the fuck was going on. As opposed to…

Jesus. What a POS. Dear M. Night Shyamalan: I fucking hate you. For serious. You’re not Hitchcock. I know you think you are, but no, you’re just not. You’re not!

Kelis “Fuck Them Bitches” (mp3)

The Rentals “Friends Of P” (mp3)

Eric Burdon & War “Spill The Wine” (mp3)

Pure Essence “Third Rock” (mp3)