Lollipop Gomez’s Guide To All The Sex You’re Going To Start Having Very Soon, Part 2

So when we last left our hero, he was getting ready to use the overdone sports metaphor of our time, move it along to slide into home base. Before we get there, let’s go over a few things:

1. Lube.

You may be thinking: “I’m so hot, this girl wants to fuck me so bad, there’s no way we’re going to need lube!” You’d be wrong. Sometimes the brain and the vag do not think at the same time or sometimes you inexplicably stop being physically turned on. It’s so strange. This is why we need a little help. Most people can only think of lube in terms of what they get at Walgreen’s. This is wrong, a lot of the mainstream lubes have weird things in them that can be really irritating. You get what you pay for, cheapskate. Skip the KY “warming jelly” and head straight to my personal favorite, Liquid Silk.

Or you can always use Elbow Grease:

2. Condoms!

This is another thing most people want to be cheap about or only get at Costco or the drug store. This is another thing where I will tell you you must explore your options. Think outside of the Trojan box to get into a box, as it were (I had to go there). One brand that’s cool is Crown Skinless Skin. The number one thing is you should never get condoms with spermicide on them. You may think that you’re being clever but spermicide is detergent (Noxonoyl 9) and highly irritating. Do you want Tide splattered all over your dick? Didn’t think so.

Every dude should have a failsafe condom putting on method that takes very little time. Practice by yourself if you must — it will pay off. Nothing will kill the mood (and possibly, your boner) than fumbling around trying to put a condom on. This is another reason you need to explore your condom options, they’re not all going to be comfortable. And if not, you can ask her and hope she knows how to put it on with her mouth. Email her this video if you must:

But, you tell me, you don’t have any condoms. What do I do? You have two options, little dude. You can either

a. Abandon this journey and do something else that involves being naked (and I trust you can figure this out?)

b. Continue without it. Now, I am not advocating that you do this. You, after all are (I hope) a grown ass person with a grown ass woman in your bed.  It seems whenever anyone on the Internet suggests that sometimes people have unprotected sex they think the writer is suggesting we all go out and fuck each other bareback like crazy. I’m not. I’m saying that in the Real World, this shit happens.

If you’re going to go for that option, take responsibility for your actions and don’t contact her a month later and demand she take an HIV test. It’s super lame and hey — you were there, too. You ever think that maybe she’s freaking out that you gave her something? If you can’t handle the risk, then be content with a blowjob or a handjob (and you know what? that shit carries risk in it as well.).

All that being said, on the real: any sexually active grown up should have condoms somewhere in their apartment or bedroom. Be ready for anything, boy scout.

3. Fuck Party Time!

You’re ready to get into the game, coach. Don’t just aim and hope you’ve hit the right spot. One trick every guy should have up their sleeve is to take the head of your dick and rub it right along a few times. This will (a) drive her crazy and (b) help orient you, like sex GPS.

GPS enabled stripper shoes.

GPS enabled stripper shoes.

Once you start working your way in, start slow and work your way to something faster. This might take a long time or a little time. One trick is to just stop for a minute so she can get used to it. You really want to pay attention to all the non verbal cues here: how is she breathing, is she uncomfortable, is she tensing up?

Don’t be an asshole, just be patient. She probably wants you to fuck her as hard as you want to fuck her, but the difference is, it’s probably going to take her longer to get to that point. Keep kissing her, telling her hot she looks, how good it feels to be inside her; don’t abandon all of that once you get to the “real” sex. It all works together.

4. Real Talk

Okay. You’re probably not going to make her come from what I’m sure is your fantastic thrusting skills. It’s just a fact of life. Most women don’t come that way. Accept this. A self aware lady may just pull out a vibrator and if you are intimidated by that, then you need more help than I can give you.

one of the many places a magic wand can be used

one of the many places a magic wand can be used

Otherwise, you can take care of that before or after. If you know you’re the type that falls asleep right after, then you need to get to that first. There is nothing worse than lying awake next to a snoring dude while completely turned on and they are passed out. And it’s important to remember that while it’s harder for women to come, they can have way more orgasms and have a much shorter re-coup time.

I don’t think that orgasms are the be all end all of all sexual interaction (it’s the journey, not the destination baby) but they sure are nice! Just pay attention to how she’s reacting and what she likes. There really is no magic formula for it. My only real advice is don’t get mad at her if she isn’t reacting how previous girls have.

Oh, and don’t have her use your ex-girlfriend’s vibrator. That’s just not cool. If I was at a guy’s house and they just pulled out some random Hitachi Magic Wand, I certainly would not use it.

5. Afterglow.

So, you’re done! You’re (hopefully) sweaty and tired and sated. CLEAN towels are very nice to have around for clean up (not your typical old come rag that’s practically radioactive). Be a dear and get me some water. Contrary to popular belief, cuddling and/or having her sleep over will not automatically make her think you want to marry her: if anything, it may lead to more sex. Lucky you.

As for what happens, when you wake up…that’s another story altogether. Or, in other words, TO BE CONTINUED!



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One response to “Lollipop Gomez’s Guide To All The Sex You’re Going To Start Having Very Soon, Part 2

  1. nicely said lollipop! it’s so easy to find a guy’s perspective on sex, or a million articles written for women on “how to please your man” horse shit. to have something more aimed at what we’re all about, this type of thing is very needed. and the guys out there need it too! (seriously.)

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