Uncrustables
Virgin America offers Uncrustables on their in flight food menu. If you sit in first class or Main Cabin Select, which is a bootleg first class (no massage chairs), you can order as much food as you want for free. You could have dozens of Uncrustables! An Uncrustable is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with no crust, packaged together. It sticks to the roof of your mouth just like a normal Pb&j sandwich, but makes you feel exciting, unlike a normal pb&j.
2 out of 5 shame stars
Spam
A highly misunderstood food. I know people who would shove hundreds of dollars worth of blow up their noses who would refuse to eat this nitrite filled pink packet of delicsiouness. The best place in the world to eat spam is at Lucky Chances Casino in Colma, California. The 24 hour diner attached to the 24 hour card room serves up Spam with eggs and garlic fried rice. It is one of the most perfect food combinations you’ve ever seen. The card room is full of old Chinese people gambling away their SSI checks and the diner is full of people who use Xanga as a blogging platform. It’s worth it.
5 out of 5 stars (people really hate Spam)
Anything off a fast food dollar menu
We’ve all been there. We’ll all go back there again.
3 out of 5 stars
Celeste Pizza For One
Not only is it a frozen pizza, it’s a frozen pizza for ONE. It’s a frozen pizza of sadness that will likely be covered in tears and followed by a Nyquil chaser. However, the salt content is so high it will kill any possibility of a hang over and possibly your biological ability to have children.
2.5 out of 5 stars (their cheapness could override any guilt you feel for eating this)
A sandwich purchased at a drugstore
A far better investment would be diet pills.
4 out of 5 (walgreen’s is for buying plan b, not for sandwiches)
Foie gras
High end self loathing. A vulgar display of wealth and callousness. Foie gras is made by ducks being force fed grain so their livers can expand and a pate can be made of it, to be spread on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (as I’ve had it served to me once), stuffed between giant pieces of steak and smothered on baguette sandwiches. It’s not much worse than the harsh reality of factory farming in the US, but something about foie gras takes the creepiness of meat eating to an entirely other level.
5 out of 5 stars (prepare for any ethical people you know to despise you)
Here’s the thing about McDonald’s once they dropped the double cheeseburger off their value meal: They can go fuck themselves. That’s the thing.
Fuck McDonalds. I go there like once every two years and they always find a way to try and fuck me. Last time it was overcharging me for a happy meal. I’m like pointing at the menu price to the idiot at the register saying no, it’s that price. And he’s like, but when I press this button, this price comes up, and I’m like, I don’t care. That’s the price you’re listing.
…Uncrustables are one of the great inventions of modern civilization. it’s pretty much:
1. The Internet
2. Uncrustables.
3. Lolcats
I prefer the Red Baron’s personal pan pizzas myself. But yeah, sometimes it’s going to a mini-mart at 3 am for Celeste.
This may surprise some readers, but among his many talents, Benjamin Light was once a professional gambler, so he knows all about the crazy old asians playing gow at Lucky Chances.
professional gambler you say? what what? i have a bad case of the gow right now….and i don’t know how to get rid of it. haah.
omg, lollipop, i haven’t laughed over food like that in idontknowhowlong…..especially the celeste pizza for one and it’s plan B reference….
White wine with celeste? Faux pas.
@August:
It wasn’t me! I would pair a celeste pizza with a nice spicy cabernet.
@Light,
But did you eat at the diner? Delightful greasy Filipino food. And the house wine is Franzia, which is amazing.
@Peanut,
thanks! ah, plan b. always there when you need it!
@marco,
for a while, at a time when i was working somewhere that had very few lunch options, mcdonald’s had a 3 dollar value meal that included the double cheeseburger. that was actually not bad. i prefer the single cheeseburgers.
I haven’t eaten at Lucky Chances, but I’ve eaten at half a dozen other shitty california card rooms, so I know of which you speak. This is why I can’t eat potstickers or steamed rice anymore.
My other favorite thing about Lucky Chances is that it’s surrounded by cemetaries. The bowling alley in Colma is fun, too. I smell a Counterforce field trip….
Wait, you prefer the single cheeseburgers? No, you don’t. I’m going to retroactively edit you there. Trust me, as a woman of taste and class, you prefer the doubles. The singles are for poor people.