I’m just going to be as cut to the chase and classy as I can with this: last night’s episode of Lost gave me an erection of awesomeness.

I mean, right?

Predictably, since it was a Ben episode, we got a little more details, some holes filled in the various back stories, and plenty of fodder for future speculation.

Some quick thoughts:

Locke. Granted, it’s a Ben episode, but I really dig the “new John Locke” that we’ve been seeing post-resurrection. He’s more serene, operating with more of a purpose, and appears to have a Nic Cage-sized sense of knowing things. Goodbye sometimes confused and lost old man, and hello to embracing the fully confident new leader of the Others. And it sounds like he’s not crazy about housing his people in the barracks when they could be out in the wild. Roughing it!

Ben. He’s always been a little more than just the villain of the piece, but now, I have to say that it’s riveting watching him constantly working his games on people and setting up his machinations. And Michael Emerson’s portrayal of this character is fascinating in that no matter how confused or thrown for a loop the character ever could be, you can tell that the wheels are always still spinning in his brain.

Sure, the guy’s always lying, but I think that his most honest moment was probably last year when he was traipsing through the jungle with Hurley and Locke and had to pause to say: “How many times do I have to tell you, John? I always have a plan.” Good times.

Caesar. Ha ha.

Rousseau. Her encounter with Ben not only made me think that we may actually be done with her character now, but also makes me want to go back to season 2 and watch his first episode again. Lindelof wasn’t kidding when he teased that the two of them “had words” at some point in the past. Also, I think that the whispers have moved up a slots higher on the list of things I’m curious about.

Alex. Interesting how she became both Ben’s one decent quality (and you just have to be amazed that she was raised as well as she was, considering who her “dad” was) and seemingly that noose hanging over his head.

Richard Alpert, Benjamin Light’s #1 man crush. For starters, Ben was totally his Alex, right? Seemingly he was always cheering him on just a little (until Locke came alone), yeah? Secondly, he totally lies to Widmore about what Jacob wants, but Widmore just kind of goes with it, which I find fascinating, even though he really din’t have a choice. Speaking of which…

Jacob! Seemingly, he and the Island are one in the same, especially if you wanted to use them in a sentence. So, If I were to say to you, “Jacob wanted me to kick you in the balls,” then you could easily just as well say, “The Island wanted me to kick you in the balls.” Also, Jacob seems to be the magic word to use in just about every situation. You’re pissed and want to know why I just kicked you square in your balls? It’s simple. Jacob wanted me to. Sorry. You can’t argue with that.

Charles Widmore. Well, Chuck here didn’t leave the way I was thinking he would (I was hoping for a turn of the frozen donkey wheel, after being tricked into doing it by Ben), but this was just as interesting. Of course, after the fiasco with the baby Alex situation, it didn’t seem like it would’ve been too hard for Ben to make quick business of him. Also, try to ignore that he’s seriously rounding up on how long he’s been trying to get back to the Island.

Also, it’s interesting to see the new guy playing the middle aged Widmore, who looks a lot like Alan Dale, especially with that wig they gave him. Of course, the guy who played teenage Widmore back in the 50s looked a lot like Alan Dale too. Oddly, teenage Widmore guy and middle aged Widmore guy look nothing alike. Let’s hope they do just as good with the actress coming in to play middle aged Eloise.

Annddd, I’m fascinated by the symbol on the vests of the Others guys who were escorting Widmore (don’t ask my why, but I got a total Nixon vibe in that scene) to the submarine, which also had the symbol on it. It seems to be based on the Taoist ba gua, much like the DHARMA logo. A hold over from the Purge?

Desmond! A collective “Whew!” comes over the audience to find that his family and he weren’t violently murdered by Ben, even though I think Ben effectively got the revenge he sought against Widmore in the transaction. But also perhaps found a glimmer of a soul in himself too. And we got to see Desmond deserve a nice little beat down as well. I really want to go watch that sad little phone call Ben makes to Jack in “316.”

The Monster! Ah, the monster. They tell us over and over again, that it’s not a nanotech swarm (which I really want it to be even more now after having finished Michael Crichton’s Prey today), and yet… wouldn’t that make perfect sense? The way the “creature” transitions from it’s Monster state to it’s human replica capable of real conversational interactions (and throwing people against walls) is intriguing as hell.

Also, like Locke, I think all the monster wanted was an apology and some remorse. And some undying fear of God loyalty for the new leader of the Others. And you know what? I think it’s going to happen.

Oh, and The Question: What lies in the shadow of the statue?

Ooooh. I think something very interesting it happening with the red shirts of Ajira flight 316. Perhaps their tiny brains are being taken over? Or perhaps, just perhaps, they aren’t there on accident and have something to do with the upcoming war that Widmore has warned us about. Plus, I love that Frank Lapidus enters every scene he’s in like he just stumbled out of a bender. If they only gave him a drinking scene with Desmond he’d be my favorite character.

Next week: Miles talks to dead people! (Spoiler: Naomi appears). Dr. Pierre Chang! Hurley (who also talks to dead people) and… what appears to just be some awesome good times with the DHARMA gang back in the 70s. That, or we’re going to outer space, brotha!

But tonight is the premiere of Harper’s Island, the 13 week close ended episodic television version And Then There Was None meets your average cheap slasher flick, where a group of well to do strangers go to a wedding on an island, and then slowly get picked off one by one by a mysterious killer who has a beef with them from the past.

At Wonder-Con, Lollipop and August and I attended a panel promoting the show, but held by the makers of the Lonelygirl15 franchise, who were executing an online web series meant to tie in to the main show. The whole presentation was laughably bad, and the show appeared to be ridiculously shot “video blogs” of a cute girl who couldn’t stop herself from accidentally filming her boobs all the time.

I love mysteries and horror movies, but I’ve always preferred the “slasher” films because, typically, you get that little bit of whodunnit involved. The mysteries are usually either retarded or too easy to figure out, but maybe that’s half the fun too. More so if they’re trashy. And this show just sounds like one of interesting ideas that can only be executed horribly. I’m watching the first few minutes of this as I type and aside from Final Girl to be Elaine Cassidy (who was wonderful in Atom Egoyan’s Felicia’s Journey), Richard Burgi being his usual level of sleaze, and Harry Hamlin making eyes at some twink in the wedding party, this is just a bunch of nobodies that you can’t wait to see get offed (though I’d suggest that you just go watch the original April Fools’ Day instead). Secluded island murder porn, here we come.