Warning: Benjamin Light has been drinking his hater-ade.

People like Perez Hilton make me want to call off this whole Internet thing. Why hasn’t The Community denounced that vapid piece of shit? I mean just look at that artless douchebag. How gauche.

Thanks a lot, asshole. Now the gay marriage debate has two new distinctive faces. On one side is some gorgeous lightweight California babe, and on the other is your passive-aggressive fugly ass. Perez Hilton actually getting a mention on Yahoo! Front Page? And not because his bloated corpse was found post-suicide in his shithole LA apartment? Shameful shit.

Who is being punished here? Aerosmith, or the Hawaiians?

I blame the Internet.

(Yes, I see the irony. No, it doesn’t make me less right. Also, fuck you)

Talentless hacks like Hilton (not to mention Paris), Harry Knowles and Matt Drudge should have been slow to thrive and quick to vanish. But now, thanks to the twin specter of personal web sites and realty television, they not only have an easy forum to gather idiot followers online, but Reality TV allows z-list celebs to keep existing well past their expiration dates.

Maybe I’m just seeing things through rose-colored glasses, but it seems like our Celebrity Culture used to do a lot better job of keeping people like Perez out of the limelight. Sure, you might have fallen ass-backwards into your 15 minutes, but when they were over, they were over.

Perez Hilton, file photo.

The Internet idiocracy is, I suppose, an unavoidable side-effect of the information age. With newspapers withering on the vine and the whole idea of the net being a space without gate-keepers, it was inevitable that the l-c-d rif-raff would seep in and find their natural level.

But reality television… Come on, Hollywood! You have power! Use it! If not for good, then at least for a more aesthetically-pleasing evil!

Nobody ever stops being famous anymore.

Long after whoring seadonkeys like Bret Michaels and Kim Kardashian should have been taken out behind the studio lot and shot, they continue to exist and hog useful bandwidth. In the new Celebrity Culture, after your “real” career ends, you can count on endless opportunities in a second career as a Reality TV star, provided you’re willing to publicly debase yourself. The charming result of which is that all the biggest hacks end up sticking around the longest.

Kim Kardashian: famous for leaking a sex tape even less erotic than Paris's. ...I guess she was worried her scars would visible.

ps, your bikini is ugly

Too, reality TV lets ordinary people who should never see the lens-end of a Panavision become stars in their own right. Genuine Wastes Of Oxygen culled only for their ability to repulse the largest amount of people in the shortest amount of airtime (between commercials for waxy hair care products and Howie Long lecturing you with Strawman arguments to buy shitty trucks).

We can’t get rid of these assholes anymore. And we’re making new ones every summer TV season.

know your enemy. ...well, know of them. If you know all four of these people's names on sight... sigh.

Maybe in the future we won’t even have broadcast television anymore. Just Internet TV. And there will be one group of people that downloads a few quality scripted dramas and comedies a week, and another group that spends all their time on youtube watching videos of dogs fucking and people fighting at house parties. I just hope there’s enough of the former group to keep the good shows in production, and enough of the latter to keep our military well-stocked with cannon fodder for the inevitable Robotcalypse War.

The Balls.