This just in: Michael Jackson is in the news in an important way again. That’s the good news. The bad news: He’s not breathing, rushed to the hospital, probably had a heart attack, and may be dead.
I’m not going to get into whether or not Michael did some bad things to kids or not. That shit is horrible. He’s had health problems for years, he’s been in crazy debt, he’s been weird, he’s been working on a comeback, but I don’t want to go into any of that right now.
I just don’t want Michael Jackson to be dead.
But he has looked like a ghost for years.
And if you don’t like Michael, I don’t care. He made Thriller! That shit is for real. Maybe not here on this site, but prepare for an onslaught on the internet of MJ shit. This is like Iran, but something that the hipsters and morons can actually understand.
Also, Farrah Fawcett? That’s not really my scene. But even still: The King Of Pop > one of Charlie’s Angels. Still, death is sad, and Farrah was hot and seemed kind of trashy, and I like that. But Michael? 
Ah, shit. I didn’t even finish this post and the LA Times is saying that he’s dead. Dead at 50. Fuck. I’m going to go take a good look at the man in the mirror.
Yeah, it’s shocking, man. It’s weird how when this news blitz started about… less than an hour ago for me, Eastern time, all the upset incurred through MJ’s antics the past few years aren’t necessarily gone, but the good times are suddenly that much more important, that much more present.
That said: Neverland Ranch Investigators Discover Corpse Of Real Michael Jackson!
Michael would want us to be able to start the healing laughter immediately.
But I’ll say this: If you know me, you know I have two MJ ringtones on my phone. Less then ten seconds after MSNBC officially pronounced him dead, my phone went off and “PYT” started blaring. It was hard, I gotta tell you. It was fucking rough to hear that.
Also, there’s a couple hours left in this day so, you know, I hope Patrick Swayze makes it through the day.
let the deadpool begin.
I’m trying to think of an appropriately callous remark to make about MJ being dead.
I wonder if his pallbearers will moonwalk the casket to the gravesite.
..ehh, that sucked. I’ll work on it.
maybe he stopped breathing because his nose got stuck in his throat.
Close, but not quite there. One thing I’ve noticed tonight – and enjoyed, I should add, since apparently I’m morbid – is that MJ’s fans make some of the best humor about this whole thing.
I saw someone post on facebook earlier: “I guess he got enough,” ha ha.
Or one girl put up, “the nice thing is they won’t need embalming fluid for when they get ready to bury him.”
Things like that, but better.
there isn’t a single michael jackson song in my itunes.
Also, nobody texted me to tell me he was dead. Either I have very discerning friends, or no friends.
I don’t want to be that guy who has to point out that someone has no friends or not cause that’s sad, but you may want to worry now if you’re one of those cloned babies in a jar who was implanted with the false sense of being a person and then got no MJ in his itunes.
Fuck I shoulda called this thing “State of Shock” cause I’m still in one! And that song is banging.
I also have no Nirvana on my iTunes (though I do have some Foo Fighters. haha! suck on that, Kurt!). And no Metallica.
Think of me as the anti-Chuck Klosterman.