So I sez to Marco, “hey, why don’t we do a live chat while we watch the same movie together?” And he was all, “oh, how new media and shit!” Thus, we give you Counterforce at the Movies, where two people on opposite sides of the country can join together online to experience bad movies that they’ve never seen before.
Why The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2? Well, it was between this, Push and Bangkok Dangerous, so there was no right answer to that questions. And so we both rent a copy of said movie (which probably puts us on some sort of terrorist watch list), synchronized hitting play via cell phone, then chatted away.
This is what came out:
Benjamin Light: I’m so excited! I hope I can keep up with the plot
Marco Sparks: They’re four girls who all share the same pair of lucky pants or… something?
Benjamin Light: they share pants, and fluids
Marco Sparks: Yeah, whenever someone shares “secrets,” as the opening narration says, that means fluids. Which… ewww.
Benjamin Light: by the way, this is the dumbest premise for a movie ever
Marco Sparks: Magic pants!
Benjamin Light: cherry popped!
Marco Sparks: Did someone get an abortion?
Benjamin Light: guess those pants aren’t that magic
Marco Sparks: I’m now going to be upset if they’re not wearing the magic pants in every single scene.
Benjamin Light: And then they all went off to WASPy colleges and got fingerbanged
Marco Sparks: Prepare to feel bad for Ugly Betty throughout this entire movie. Or to be rooting for her.
Benjamin Light: ugh, why does she have to be the narrator. She sucks
Marco Sparks: Just so we’re clear: the pants sisterhood is different than the ya ya sisterhood, right?
Benjamin Light: I think there is some sort of divine yaya sisterhood of pants
Marco Sparks: Yeah, I’d prefer to have the hottie from Gilmore Girls.
Benjamin Light: wait, did some jews just cross themselves?
Marco Sparks: Gypsy curse time.
Benjamin Light: that’s kind of a whorish dress to wear to a funeral
Marco Sparks: Funerals are totally the place to pick up hotties from Gilmore Girls.
Benjamin Light: he’s gonna dump her again
Marco Sparks: “This is my fugly girlfriend from the village.”
Benjamin Light: burn!!!
Marco Sparks: No, wife!
Benjamin Light: wife! double burn!
Marco Sparks: Whoa, you gotta be careful who you knock up, bro. As Gob says: “some girls stay pregnant”
Benjamin Light: we missed the scene where she flies back from Parmistan
Marco Sparks: Like i said, prepare to feel bad for Ugly Betty. And I guess Amber Tamblyn is the tough one? cause she’s in New York?
Benjamin Light: can we make predictions on which one gets soulfully fucked first?
Marco Sparks: Okay, that’s Rachel Nichols.
Benjamin Light: I’ll go with the gypsy one
Marco Sparks: If I can be totally crass and incredibly accurate here: she has a huge rack.
Benjamin Light: mmhmm!
Marco Sparks: Yeah, I’d say either the chick from Gilmore Girls or the girl from Gossip Girl.
Benjamin Light: I wish I could say she was the only good thing about GI Joe, but that would be fibbing
Benjamin Light: which one’s the girl from Gossip girl?
Marco Sparks: You just admitted to seeing GI Joe in a soon to be public forum.
Marco Sparks: This one, the blonde.
Benjamin Light: my dad had free tickets and wanted to get away from my mom
Marco Sparks: So now they’re all together.
Benjamin Light: hooray!
Marco Sparks: Wow, what unnecessary gymnastic skills.
Marco Sparks: Oh shit, i think this movie just became The Craft!
Benjamin Light: light as a candle, stiff as a board! Light as a candle, stiff as a board!
Benjamin Light: I do not believe that gilmore girl fits into the same pants as ugly betty
Marco Sparks: I think it’s the other way around.
Benjamin Light: Cyndi Lauper on the soundtrack!
Marco Sparks: Uh oh, gossip girl doesn’t believe in pants magic again.
Marco Sparks: Girls just wanna have fun… doing black magic.
Benjamin Light: Ugly Betty’s summer plans are: being ugly
Marco Sparks: exactly.
Benjamin Light: I just googled Rachel Nichols. She’s 29
Marco Sparks: Rory Gilmore’s little sister has more life than the four leads.
Benjamin Light: rory gilmore had a little sister?
Marco Sparks: No, I keep forgetting the actress’ real name, so i’m just going to keep calling her Rory Gilmore.
Marco Sparks: Uh oh, letters. secrets from the past!
Benjamin Light: I would totally throw a few into Lauren Graham.
Marco Sparks: For real. “Fuck me, Santa!”
Marco Sparks: Those letters weren’t hidden that well.
Marco Sparks: Especially if they can be found 14 minutes into the film!
Benjamin Light: why would anyone think their grandmother didn’t love them?
Benjamin Light: needy bitch
Marco Sparks: Cause maybe she died and didn’t leave a huge inheritance?
Marco Sparks: Uh oh, Kyle Maclachlan. This movie just got real.
Benjamin Light: every scene is going to include ugly betty frowning like she just shat her pants
Marco Sparks: Does a lot of coke and has homosexual sex. “That whole yale thing.”
Benjamin Light: Kyle Mac is going to try to fuck gossip girl
Marco Sparks: I think Rachel Nichols might get the first sex scene now.
Marco Sparks: The inclusion of Kyle Mac makes me wish this was Showgirls 2 now.
Benjamin Light: wait, is the blonde Rachel Nichols? I’m so confused now
Marco Sparks: The girl with ugly betty right now is Rachel Nichols. notice the paleness. Also, the adorable as a button-ness.
Marco Sparks: The taller, tanned blonde girl is Blake Lively, from Gossip Girl.
Benjamin Light: ah, ok, the other one is huskier
Marco Sparks: Gossip Girl, riding on that cart in the middle of nowhere.
Marco Sparks: Yeah, huskier.
Benjamin Light: I thought there were only four girls in the pants club
Benjamin Light: nude model in art class time!
Marco Sparks: I think Rachel Nichols is ugly betty’s only other friend.
Benjamin Light: only in the movies!
Marco Sparks: Wow. “I’m guessing you’re a virgin” is my new pick up line.
Benjamin Light: goddammit I was just typing that!
Benjamin Light: RHCP on the soundtrack = :(
Marco Sparks: Nude male models. That’s just great. Everyone get flustered!
Benjamin Light: yeah, cause they hire hard-bodied 20 year olds for this, not totally gross old men
Marco Sparks: “Relax your strokes!”
Benjamin Light: Relax your stroke is my new pickup line
Benjamin Light: which one of these girls will have the “get fucked and then he never calls” experience?
Marco Sparks: The wannabe filmmaker working in a video store? 90s cliche!
Marco Sparks: Also, they have VHS tapes. wow.
Marco Sparks: That should be Aaron Yoo, right?
Marco Sparks: Wait, is it?
Benjamin Light: It is an outrage that Aaron Yoo is not playing the role of the Asian guy!
Marco Sparks: Aaron Yoo is in the new Friday the 13th, by the way.
Marco Sparks: And there’s a video camera, but they don’t let him hold it.
Benjamin Light: they’re gone do it!
Marco Sparks: I don’t think anyone took amber tamblyn in the who has sex first poll.
Benjamin Light: that hair, by the way, is tragic
Marco Sparks: I’m praying that’s a wig
Marco Sparks: Shit, he’s got better hair than her in this scene
Benjamin Light: Aaron yoo would be so much better in this scene
Marco Sparks: This guy feels like Aaron Yoo’s stunt double
Benjamin Light: Yay, wig gone. clothes to follow
Marco Sparks: Or his lack-of-charisma double.
Marco Sparks: I think that Amber Tamblyn is still dating David Cross in real life.
Benjamin Light: she’s ready for her first time!
Marco Sparks: “It happens to all guys.”
Marco Sparks: This is not how I’d want my first time to go.
Benjamin Light: slut
Marco Sparks: He’s gone out the bathroom window, I hope.
Benjamin Light: condom broke
Benjamin Light: WIN!
Benjamin Light: shoulda pulled and prayed
Marco Sparks: “Is it real?” Are there fake condoms?
Marco Sparks: What is she talking about, “fake condoms?”
Benjamin Light: Bring on the “driving to the clinic” scene!
Marco Sparks: They’re going to need magic pants for that.
Marco Sparks: The magic pants work as an effective morning after pill
Benjamin Light: they only did it once? weak!
Marco Sparks: This is the saddest relationship ever on cinema.
Benjamin Light: you haven’t seen GI Joe yet
Marco Sparks: ha ha!
Marco Sparks: Kyle Mac is the unofficial star of this movie.
Benjamin Light: hijinx!
Marco Sparks: Uh oh, ugly betty screwed something up.
Benjamin Light: this also never happens in real college
Marco Sparks: There’s sparks between her and this british ponce. But Ugly Betty has to be a good actress to make me believe this guy doesn’t deserve to be deported right now.
Marco Sparks: His name is even Ian.
Marco Sparks: Nice camo pants, Blake Lively.
Benjamin Light: waiting for the “bones” innuendo in the archeology scenes
Benjamin Light: is that catherine zeta jones??
Marco Sparks: No, but if it was, then damn, she’s really caught up to Michael Douglas.
Benjamin Light: oh snap!
Benjamin Light: are those the pants?
Marco Sparks: I sense a nerd orgy happening here.
Marco Sparks: I think those are the magic pants. Or that they better be.
Marco Sparks: Amber Tamblyn really needed to be wearing those pants.
Benjamin Light: her character’s name, by the way, is Tibby Tomko-Rollins
Marco Sparks: What a horrid name.
Benjamin Light: that doesn’t seem very professional of an archeologist
Marco Sparks: I don’t think you’d get to be on a real dig that early in your “archeological career.”
Marco Sparks: But, on the other hand, she is hot.
Benjamin Light: yeah, the art model also paints
Marco Sparks: Nude male art models don’t need names.
Benjamin Light: fans of this movie are going to be so disappointed when they get to college
Marco Sparks: He likes long stories. That’s not my new pick up line.
Benjamin Light: I hate this british guy so much
Marco Sparks: This guy is unbelievably british.
Marco Sparks: I think fans of this movie will be disappointed if they ever encounter a real brit, or a real man.
Benjamin Light: I’m not sure if anyone actually does shakespeare in college
Marco Sparks: I like how she walks away when he tries to hit on her. Good for her.
Benjamin Light: no way her ass fits in those pants
Marco Sparks: Magic pants!
Marco Sparks: These “archeologists” do a lot of fucking around.
Benjamin Light: looks like we’re going to have an international bang fest
Benjamin Light: what a cunt
Marco Sparks: The greek undercurrent to this film is so weird.
Marco Sparks: By the way, I noticed at work that the third or fourth book in this series is just called: “Girls In Pants.”
Benjamin Light: here come the waterworks
Marco Sparks: In the porn version of this movie, that scene would’ve lead to something hot.
Benjamin Light: Greek Lady: Stop fucking up the dig! Gossip Girl: My mom is dead! boohoo
Benjamin Light: British guy’s gonna fuck em both
Marco Sparks: This british guy does not take no for an answer.
Benjamin Light: is ugly betty like 4 feet tall?
Marco Sparks: She certainly seems that way as she starts this horrendous audition.
Benjamin Light: she’s got dumps like a truck…
Marco Sparks: I feel like by the end of this film, Kyle Mac is going to fuck everyone in this play.
Benjamin Light: especially the british guy
Marco Sparks: Well, he is british.
Benjamin Light: is this supposed to be good acting?
Marco Sparks: Not according to Kyle Mac.
Benjamin Light: Amber’s showing it all off now
Marco Sparks: Amber Tamblyn is going from one bad hairstyle to another in this movie.
Benjamin Light: I’d say they should show her walking bow-legged, but we all saw her boyfriend
Marco Sparks: Wow, bad pregnancy storyline to come.
Benjamin Light: oh, and the art guy cooks, too!
Marco Sparks: And has a nice place on a lowly male model at a college salary.
Benjamin Light: he chops vegetables and shit
Benjamin Light: I think he might be 33 too
Marco Sparks: Men don’t do recipes.
Marco Sparks: It’d be more believable if he was her professor. Real talk!
Marco Sparks: uh oh, tension between ugly betty and Rachel Nichols.
Benjamin Light: way to backstab, bitch
Marco Sparks: Rachel Nichols: “all i have is my looks, bitch!”
Benjamin Light: Rachel should stay a redhead
Marco Sparks: It’s a good look for… well, everyone.
Benjamin Light: those are hideous earrings on Amber
Marco Sparks: In this movie, everything is hideous on Amber.
Benjamin Light: aaron yoo would be saying something funny here. And using twitter or a flip camera!
Marco Sparks: He’d still have better hair than Amber Tamblyn.
Marco Sparks: This girl has never heard of the morning after pill. Seriously?
Benjamin Light: or a flight of stairs to fall down
Benjamin Light: I really wish we had peanut here for the female perspective
Marco Sparks: I feel like the female perspective would walk out of this movie after five minutes.
Marco Sparks: The extras in NYCc are hot.
Benjamin Light: yeah, that was an odd lingering shot
Benjamin Light: Amber needs some magic pants.
Marco Sparks: I’d like to point out that ugly betty got cast in the play without the magic pants.
Marco Sparks: Wait, so the magic rory gilmore got from the pants was just to get asked out by the skeezy male model? Come on.
Benjamin Light: So, if ugly betty gets the pants, does that mean gossip girl already fucked the artfag?
Marco Sparks: Do the pants just lead to sexual misadventures?
Benjamin Light: so Rachel Nichols is not in the pants sisterhood
Marco Sparks: No, she’s not
Marco Sparks: I feel like ugly betty is going to pity fuck this tosser.
Benjamin Light: this british guy looks like a test tube accident involving Heath Ledger and Joey Gordon-Levitt
Marco Sparks: But destined for mediocrity.
Marco Sparks: I feel like there’s a subtle love story developing between this old woman and the gossip girl. XOXO!
Benjamin Light: “Archeology is more than just finding bones.”
Marco Sparks: If Indiana Jones could turn you onto archeology, this movie could turn you off of it.
Benjamin Light: for serious
Marco Sparks: This old woman has the best acting of the entire story.
Benjamin Light: That Catherine Zeta Jones can bring it
Benjamin Light: Those pants won’t fit Amber if she’s preggers
Marco Sparks: They’re magic kill the fertilized egg pants.
Benjamin Light: wait, so the pants will give her an abortion?
Benjamin Light: ruh-roh!
Marco Sparks: Why hasn’t she already taken one?
Marco Sparks: I feel no sympathy for Amber Tamblyn.
Benjamin Light: nope. This is the dangers of an abstinence-only education
Marco Sparks: And now you know, teens.
Benjamin Light: uhhhhh shakespeare is teh suk!
Marco Sparks: Her Shakespeare style has left the british guy flustered.
Marco Sparks: Who the fuck is this guy?
Marco Sparks: Nigel?
Benjamin Light: I’ll say it again, no fucking way she’s fitting her ass in those pants
Benjamin Light: I want Rachel to steal the pants and use them for evil
Marco Sparks: I feel like men talk about their bowel movements in the same ways women talk about their period.
Marco Sparks: “Guess who got here just before you did?”
Benjamin Light: Oh, I just got that
Benjamin Light: I see what you did there, screenwriter!
Marco Sparks: Amber Tamblyn is that friend in every group that’s all ME ME ME ME!!!
Benjamin Light: Catherine Zeta has a daughter: cue the jealousy
Marco Sparks: This chick was in X-men 3, by the way.
Marco Sparks: Yeah, there goes the female version of Brokeback Mountain.
Benjamin Light: who?
Marco Sparks: The old iranian woman. and she was in 24, and house of sand and fog.
Benjamin Light: these letters are some flowery bullshit
Marco Sparks: I think Blake Lively’s grandmother is Gwyneth Paltrow’s mom.
Benjamin Light: I wonder if she wrote the letters in a southern accent
Marco Sparks: Naturally, hence the southern accent voice over when she reads them.
Marco Sparks: Whoa, her mom killed herself.
Marco Sparks: Out of nowhere. Nice
Benjamin Light: maybe it’s like the comics, where they put the “*southern accent” bit in
Marco Sparks: did she really just take a bus from greece to alabama?
Benjamin Light: indeed!
Benjamin Light: I want to punch ugly betty in the face every time she starts the “verily doth…” bullshit
Marco Sparks: i think rachel nichols is going to try and steal ugly betty’s gay boyfriend
Benjamin Light: is there a word for female cock-blocking?
Marco Sparks: cunt blocking? is that right?
Marco Sparks: ugh, blythe danner is alive
Benjamin Light: no she’s not!
Marco Sparks: come on, bad southern accent
Marco Sparks: “cars are easy. it’s people you need a manual for.” ugh.
Benjamin Light: her grandmother is a salty mechanic
Marco Sparks: i think i prefer life reduced to sports metaphors rather than bad car metaphors
Benjamin Light: I’ve started drinking
Marco Sparks: You should probably should’ve started two hours ago for this.
Benjamin Light: “He’s really real!”
Marco Sparks: ugh
Marco Sparks: wow. Rachel Nichols is that bitchy best friend.
Marco Sparks: “I’ll be really quiet when i come home and fuck your boyfriend.”
Benjamin Light: I don’t care for southern people
Benjamin Light: Holy shit, it’s a bird feeder!
Marco Sparks: I hope they didn’t pay her more for the southern accent. I hope they paid her less.
Marco Sparks: This bird feeder that says “bee” on it must have total meaning.
Benjamin Light: no fucking way would you not remember visiting somewhere when you were 7
Marco Sparks: Especially to make such an ugly bird feeder.
Marco Sparks: Kyle Mac is an insightful director.
Benjamin Light: maybe he directed this movie as well
Marco Sparks: That would be awesome. of course, I think he’d have thrown out half the cast.
Marco Sparks: Clearly rory gilmore has no love for the naked male form.
Benjamin Light: how could you get excited to date someone if you’ve already seen them naked?
Marco Sparks: How excited are you to draw them if you already fucked them?
Benjamin Light: here comes the gypsy revenge
Marco Sparks: Uh oh, dirty greek guy comes in to complete the triangle.
Benjamin Light: Naked Art Model dude looks like he’d be game for it
Marco Sparks: Well, he is a naked art model. He might as well be british on top of it.
Marco Sparks: I think that with the magic pants comes the curse of douchey guys.
Benjamin Light: Sorry, greek dude, but my new BF is ginormous!
Marco Sparks: And he’s not afraid to show it to a room full of art majors.
Benjamin Light: yay, the younger sister is back!
Marco Sparks: The younger sister needs her own movie
Benjamin Light: and she’s fucking Amber’s boy!
Marco Sparks: Can I just suggest… magic panties?
Benjamin Light: “Divine Sisterhood of the Traveling Panties?”
Marco Sparks: That sounds divine.
Benjamin Light: Who the fuck even has the pants right now?
Marco Sparks: I’m still not sold on the necessity of the pants in the first place. Seems like a convenient stand in for “self esteem.”
Benjamin Light: Ugly Betty is a bitch
Marco Sparks: Whoa, ugly betty is all about the harsh real talk.
Marco Sparks: “Video store girl.” Ouch.
Benjamin Light: BURN!!!LOLZ!!
Marco Sparks: Maybe Rachel Nichols and the younger sister could have their own movie together.
Benjamin Light: Rachel didn’t deserve that
Marco Sparks: No, she didn’t.
Marco Sparks: I find the male model to be increasingly unbelievable.
Benjamin Light: Naked art model is going to nail her on those pillows
Marco Sparks: Do naked models really have muses?
Benjamin Light: He’s poor, he models for studio access, but he lives in a perfect loft in the city
Marco Sparks: And the wind isn’t blowing all of these pillows and shit all over the place.
Benjamin Light: “I Love being in love”
Marco Sparks: And, unlike Amber Tamblyn’s boyfriend, he doesn’t have condoms that break.
Marco Sparks: “I love being in love” is perhaps the new pick up line du jour.
Benjamin Light: he looks like he wants to break one off in her anus
Marco Sparks: He doesn’t believe in soul mates. Real talk.
Benjamin Light: he’s into that casual shit
Marco Sparks: And three ways.
Marco Sparks: He’s a little too cool about her flakiness.
Benjamin Light: ugh, the bad wig is back
Benjamin Light: Is that like her work uniform?
Benjamin Light: She’s meta-commenting now
Marco Sparks: She’s like a cross between Diablo Cody and really ugly.
Benjamin Light: sales techniques, at a video store?
Marco Sparks: Wow. “Take the rest of the month off.” Nice. The economy’s troubles hits this video store and her bitchiness equally hard.
Benjamin Light: 9/11 changed everything
Marco Sparks: blake lively’s storyline is in a coma.
Benjamin Light: zzzzzzzz
Benjamin Light: Her mom was ugly
Marco Sparks: ugly prom photos. exactly what this movie needed.
Marco Sparks: you know, you’re right. who the fuck has the pants here?
Benjamin Light: And the thunder rolls!!!
Marco Sparks: your mom is a ghost!
Benjamin Light: this scene needs an acoustic guitar
Marco Sparks: Having lame dreams about your mom is what passes for characterization in this film.
Benjamin Light: No, Blake Lively…. *I* am your mother!
Marco Sparks: You have to ask yourself: if I had seen the first movie, would any of this shit with her mom make any sense?
Benjamin Light: I feel like we’re missing out on which ones already lost their V. I mean, is Gilmore girl still chaste, or has she been banging away this whole time?
Marco Sparks: And more importantly: how old is her little sister?
Benjamin Light: Amber Tamblyn looks preggers
Marco Sparks: The little sister is all like, “fuck your magic pants. i have magic boyfriend stealing powers.”
Benjamin Light: Also, “Effie” is a great name.
Marco Sparks: There’s such a weird undercurrent of pregnancy and maternity happening here.
Benjamin Light: Nice hat, non-Aaron Yoo
Marco Sparks: “Effy” is the hot, mysterious little sister in Skins’ name too.
Marco Sparks: Amber Tamblyn looks pregnant at a funeral in every scene of this movie.
Benjamin Light: I remember when I had to write a rom-com script in film school. Oh wait, no I didn’t.
Benjamin Light: Amber is eating for two
Marco Sparks: For her and for her film career, which is stillborn.
Benjamin Light: wordplay!
Benjamin Light: No seriously, that dress is not doing you any favors, Amber
Marco Sparks: What a shitty ringtone.
Benjamin Light: why the fuck does the friend have to be there for a pregnancy? she’s not the fucking doctor
Marco Sparks: Obligations of the magic pants cult. I feel like Kyle Mac should run in and deliver the baby.
Benjamin Light: Side joke: what do 9 out of 10 people love?
Marco Sparks: I don’t know. What?
Benjamin Light: gang rape
Marco Sparks: Ugh
Marco Sparks: yeah.
Benjamin Light: Giving birth is over-rated.
Marco Sparks: this guy looks like Julian Lennon
Marco Sparks: And he’s trying way too hard.
Benjamin Light: Hey Jude, don’t make it bad now
Benjamin Light: where the fuck are the pants?
Marco Sparks: Rachel Nichols is a huge bitch after all
Benjamin Light: I don’t blame her
Marco Sparks: ha ha
Marco Sparks: I could not be more turned off on Blake Lively’s storyline.
Marco Sparks: She really needs Kristen Bell to narrate her every action.
Benjamin Light: I want this to be in like the ducktales movie where the bad guy steals the magic item and creates a horrible new reality
Marco Sparks: I’ve got the Ducktales theme in my head now.
Benjamin Light: Jesus, what did blake think when she got the script to this?
Marco Sparks: “Oh shit, i’m contracted to do this.”
Benjamin Light: Amber’s gonna go get pregnant now
Marco Sparks: Now she wants that baby!
Benjamin Light: She’s already got her maternity outfits
Benjamin Light: the pants!
Marco Sparks: God, those pants are hideous.
Marco Sparks: So are her earrings.
Marco Sparks: She looks like a walking thrift store list of don’ts.
Benjamin Light: oh christ, they’re even worse now
Benjamin Light: This movie has a very anti-girl power message
Marco Sparks: Non-Aaron Yoo is wise. But I just discovered that his character’s name is “Brian McBrian.” That’s… unfortunate.
Marco Sparks: Yeah, it really does set a bad example for young women.
Marco Sparks: I feel like she’s lying to herself earlier when she said she was a feminist.
Benjamin Light: Girl gets screwed one time, has a pregnancy scare, loses BF, dresses like a heffer…
Marco Sparks: Is he already blowing off the cute little sister. And taking back Amber Tamblyn? This guy is a saint. A terribly misguided saint.
Marco Sparks: Oh shit, a mix cd.
Marco Sparks: Nevermind. It’s a pregnancy video. Ugh.
Benjamin Light: even worse, a home video
Marco Sparks: Doesn’t all of this somehow have to tie into Amber’s shitty romantic comedy script?
Benjamin Light: Aaron Yoo would have ditched Amber for Effie in a heartbeat
Marco Sparks: There’s nothing romantic or funny about this movie.
Marco Sparks: I just remembered that that’s Ana Lucia’s mom.
Benjamin Light: hahahaha
Marco Sparks: Amber is totally shitting on the pregnancy video.
Benjamin Light: this is fucking painful
Marco Sparks: These two have no chemistry at all.
Benjamin Light: why are they cheering?
Marco Sparks: Because it’s over?
Benjamin Light: oh snap!
Marco Sparks: What saddens me about this movie is that somewhere out there there’s people who were probably looking forward to it’s release.
Benjamin Light: Oh effie, there will be better Aaron Yoo’s out there
Marco Sparks: There’s actual Aaron Yoo.
Marco Sparks: The little sister is wise. You don’t treat people you love like Amber Tamblyn does.
Benjamin Light: word
Marco Sparks: It’s like i’m watching a poor man’s version of Dynasty in this ugly betty vs. Rachel Nichols fight.
Benjamin Light: I want to go watch a movie about Rachel Nichols and Effie
Benjamin Light: fighting pirates
Marco Sparks: That movie would be awesome.
Benjamin Light: She stole the pants! Use them for evil!
Marco Sparks: Or, for good. But clearly not good movies.
Benjamin Light: How the fuck did she end up in greece?
Benjamin Light: holy shit, those tights, Amber
Benjamin Light: Hug it out, ladies
Marco Sparks: This drama between these girls is… nothing.
Benjamin Light: Amber metas “The Pants! They’re supposed to bring us together and look!”
Benjamin Light: fucking greeks
Marco Sparks: How the fuck can they afford to just jet off to Greece like it’s nothing? Especially for just a pair of pants.
Marco Sparks: I feel like, since rory gilmore’s greek, they’re really missing out on a scene of her swearing revenge on someone.
Benjamin Light: and killing a goat
Marco Sparks: For reals.
Marco Sparks: She’s drawing the pants.
Benjamin Light: She flew to greece just to draw a picture of pants and make a missing pants sign
Marco Sparks: I hope she goes around showing it to be people.
Benjamin Light: wait, they all went to greece?
Benjamin Light: .fuck this bullshit
Marco Sparks: Again: how the fuck can they all afford to go to greece?
Marco Sparks: Amber’s laid off!
Marco Sparks: “One of your donkeys just did something way nasty.” That’s a meta comment.
Benjamin Light: now they all need to have one night stands with dirty greek guys
Marco Sparks: Frequent flyer miles. oh, of course.
Benjamin Light: it bears repeating: her name is Tibby
Marco Sparks: I feel like I’ve been tricked into a pre-menopausal Mamma Mia here
Benjamin Light: “Are we having fun yet?!”
Marco Sparks: Where’s the musical sing along montage where they dance around a table or a kitchen table?
Marco Sparks: They’re not very good at hanging signs.
Benjamin Light: are they eating dairy queen?
Marco Sparks: Naturally there’s a dairy queen in the middle of this shitty greek village. It’s next to the McDonalds and Starbucks.
Benjamin Light: oh god, not this greek asshole again
Benjamin Light: Oh Rory, don’t you have better movies to be in? PS. What happened to the bullshit art model guy?
Marco Sparks: He was a little too cool for her, I guess.
Benjamin Light: …
Benjamin Light: what kind of girlfriends would want to set you up with your douchy greek ex?
Marco Sparks: Who’s half a world away and going to the “London school of economics,” which sounds like a scam.
Benjamin Light: it’s an online school
Marco Sparks: He gets wifi on his fishing boat?
Marco Sparks: rory gilmore is the only real actor in this quartet
Benjamin Light: what the fuck, this is horrible advice from her friends.
Marco Sparks: It’s from amber. What do you expect?
Benjamin Light: If Rory gets back with the greek asshole I’m going to be so annoyed
Benjamin Light: Bullshit!
Benjamin Light: Bullshit!
Marco Sparks: Serious bullshit.
Benjamin Light: I have so much hatred for the filmmakers right now
Marco Sparks: The full moon is what convinced her to go out to his boat? Really?
Marco Sparks: this guy makes the male model look acceptable
Benjamin Light: what the fuck. He dumped her, got married to someone else and she’s supposed to come crawling back?
Marco Sparks: bullshit
Marco Sparks: and now he’s probably given her a goddamn STD.
Marco Sparks: you’re breaking my and lauren graham’s heart, rory gilmore
Benjamin Light: Lorelai is so disappointed in you
Marco Sparks: The camera loves Blake Lively and hates Amber.
Benjamin Light: This movie sends a terrible message to young girls
Benjamin Light: And they all find skeezy greek dudes to bear children to and live happily ever after
Benjamin Light: black panties under a yellow dress, Amber?
Marco Sparks: It’s funny that they’re all jumping off a cliff here because it’s exactly what I was hoping would happen.
Benjamin Light: only without the water at the bottom
Marco Sparks: You really can’t blame the pants for wanting to get the fuck away from these girls.
Benjamin Light: On a sale of 1-10, I give this like a 2. What a shitty message to send to its target demograph
Marco Sparks: yeah, total lack of girl power
Marco Sparks: shit. is this michelle branch? where have you been for like ten years, michelle?
Benjamin Light: doing country
Marco Sparks: I’m happy to report that the little sister is 20. Thank god.