The 3 Ps, they’re called. The most common types of e-mail spam/business that clutters your inbox, or your spam folder. Also, replica watches too, apparently.
Here is, for your viewing pleasure, 47 random and unopened entries from my spam folder, with the sender and subject line:
1. Jet Blue Rewards. Apparently I’ve been chosen to receive two free tickets just about anywhere. Go me.
2. Blockbuster online. This makes me laugh a little.
3. Extenze. “Natural male enhancement. It works!” the email promises. I’ve been promised things before.
4.Island Rock. Apparently, according to this email, Bon Jovi wants me to pick a song for him to perform at the Grammys. Hey Jon, I’m trying to think of something clever to say, or to even think up a Bon Jovi song, but I’m just thinking about that Bret Michaels thing over and over again.
5. BlackSingles.com. “Meet African American singles in your area,” the email suggests. I’d love to.
6. Tiger Woods Fan Club. The subject line is: “Please contact us immediately to tell us if you still support Tiger or not?”
7. Locate Plastic Surgeons. “GET BREAST IMPLANTS!” Don’t tease me.
8. Cash -4-Gold. Sure, I’d love some cash, but honestly, people, if I had a bunch of gold sitting around…
9. August Bravo. “What do the numbers on Lost mean?” and “I think Locke is Jacob. Is he?” Yeah, sure.
10. Cash in 24 hours. One of my favorite subject lines: “Get CASH wired into your account tomorrow! $lut$!”
11. Sexyhousewife271@aol.com <Priceline Updates @ fandangonews.com. “Why wait when you can be having an affair with a sexy housewife right now!” You’ve got a point there, friend. Why am I waiting?
12. Rachel Ray Package. “You’ve been selected to receive a Rachael Ray package worth up to $500!” Ehh.
13. Criminal Justice School Finder. “Take criminal justice classes online. AT YOUR OWN PACE!” Now we are talking. The all caps tells me that you are serious.
14. Cheating_wife007@aol.com. “There are SO MANY cheating wives in YOUR AREA.” I figured as much. I like the “007″ add on there, though. Ladies are pimps too. The AOL makes me think less of all that cuckolding though.
15. COBRA health coverage. “Can’t afford COBRA? You’re not alone!” Uhhh, I’m weary of this one, you guys.
16. Oksana. “Come to me. I’m in a hotel. Come on top of me! I’ll still love you!” Dream girl.
17. Brandie. “Did you get email? I miss the way you suckle my pussy.”
18. Svetlana. “Hello.” This one is subtle, and therefore, as far as Spam goes, more insidious. I love these brands of “normal sounding” women’s names. You almost want to click on them. “Brandie” is a decent name, but when I am ever going to know an Oksana or Svetlana, really? For more than one night, I mean.
19. Dolores. I include this one because Dolores is a nice name, but one you don’t see very often anymore, right? (Also, unrelated, it was Lolita’s name.) Anyway, the subject line is: “Remember that passionate night we shared in Tokyo?” I wish, Dolores. I wish.
20. APPLE. “Your iphone is waiting to meet you!”
21. Shop until you drop! “Target gift card!”
22. HotBabyGirl4U. “I’m Cute and I know it Hehe.” I gotta admit. Her confidence is a turn on.
23. Conrad Noir. “The Gayest tennis serve.” It can be found here, apparently.
24. Approved Tester. “Thank you! You’re an approved tester now!” Uh… great.
25. Internet TV. “Fuck your cable bill in the ass.” I like the way we’re talking here.
26. Legally reduce your debt. “As seen on CNN!” That sounds legit.
27. VIAGRA where you want it. Where I want it, huh? The subject line is probably the most effective marketing statement ever: “80% off!” Thankfully, the only entity that cares more about my penis (and my finances) than me is my good friend, the Internet.
28. Kim. “Blinded by those white teeth!” Thanks, Kim.
29. Cash4Timeshares. “Don’t you hate it when they make you pay for those time shares?” Like you would not and could not believe, bro.
30. G.I. Bill. “January 12 to January 29: You qualify. Afraid to see if you have what it takes?” Afraid? No. I’m pretty sure that I do not have what it takes.
31. Diamonds. “DIAMONDS!”
32. Lesslie. “COLD CASH. Weight loss made easy. Eat whatever you want. No more diet pills!” This is that sweet spot where “sounding good” eventually translates into “looking good.”
33. Fling.com. “Spice up your life, Marco.”
34. Savings. “Get a credit check. Be debt free in 2 to 36 months.”
35.Yesenia. “VISA and MASTER CARD and AMERICAN EXPRESS. Get VIAGRA and CIALIS together in ONE PILL.” Tempting.
36. Troy. “Make your blog do things with my help. Financial magic.” Also tempting. Troy, are you a wizard? A warlock? Are you going to initiate me into your blogging coven?
37. Smoke shop. “What goes between your lips?”
38. Gimmesumluvin. “I’m look’n for something strange!” Now we’re talking.
39. Davison. “We challenge you to pursue your dream.” Hmm.
40. Perfect hair every day. “Celebrity hair secrets REVEALED.”
41. (500) Days for $1.99. “You need business cards!”
42. Piss loving sluts find Jesus and $alvation! I’m a red blooded American male, one who loves mixing business and pleasure, spirituality and golden showers as much as the next guy, but even still… I think I’ll wait til this is in reruns after Steven Seagal, Lawman on A&E.
43. Hi-tech Husband. Fist it says, “Want to make a little money at home?” Yes, I do. Then it says, “Want us to ship you a wireless notebook?” Oh, you tease.
44. Peanut St. Cosmo. Just the usual. She asks, “DID HE ASK FOR ME BY NAME?” when talking about internet celebs. Oh, Peanut. Of course he did!
45. Remove Dark Eyes and Circles. “Stop looking like a heroin addict in mere weeks!”
46. Help Haiti Homeboy. I actually click on this one because I’m amazed at how timely it is, how it may actually want to do some good. But… no. It says: “Get a loan. Get a condo in Haiti. Fuck some sad bitches.” As horrible as that is, it’s pretty much the spam trifecta, right?
47. Limited promotion. “Are you a real person?” Honestly, this one blew my mind. The last thing anyone on the internet wants is to have their “realness” questioned. And a close second is, “A/S/L?”
So, there you go. Nothing particularly revelatory, but that’s hardly the nature of your inbox anymore, right? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be on the internet…