“Son of a bitch!”

I swear, when I start running a major TV show, I’m going to use a lot of the same gimmicks that Lost uses. People talk a lot of shit about the flashbacks, but honestly, they’re genius. And lazy. But genius. You’re not just telling one story, you’re telling multiple stories, on multiple frames, lost (literally) and found (potentially) in different modes of juxtapositions and dichotomies.

And then, in the third season of such a show, I’m literally going to have a “WE HAVE TO GO BACK, KATE!” moment and before you’ve changed your underwear from watching your main character do all that hillbilly heroin, we’ll be FLASH FORWARDING!

Where I’d change it up from Lost, though, is I’d do the Sideways flashes, the glimpses into the “wouldn’t it be nice” universe earlier. The “happily ever after” alternate existence would come much earlier, and you want to know why?

Because in the last season of my show, instead of flashbacks, flashforwards, or flashsideways, every episode would would flash to a potential spin off featuring my main characters. My Jack spinoff would be just like House, only more misogynistic and feature more pills. Jack would be less British, of course, but the SHOUTING would remain. Awww, cute baby with cancer and shingles on his face. SHOUT AT HIM, JACK! And my Kate episode would be like Run Ronnie Run, only it’d star Kate, which I think works in a lot of ways. And my Locke and Ben Linus episode would be like a sitcom version of Stand And Deliver, just less Edward James Olmos, I guess.

And my Sawyer and Miles episode would be a lot like last night’s episode of Lost, titled “Recon.” Sawyer and Miles as vice cops, going undercover together, and Sawyer would be the weird southern lead whose partner talks to dead people. Their dynamic would be entirely like Kurt Russell and his AZN sidekick in Big Trouble In Little China. And they’d say shit to each other like…

Miles: “Cutting it a little close, aren’t we?”

Sawyer: “Only way to cut it.”

And then David Caruso puts on his shades. YEEEAAAHHHHH!

As for last night’s episode itself, you know, Locke/Flocke/The Man In Black/The Locke-ness monster is evil and all, sure, but deep down, he’s not so bad. If you catch him in a lie, he’ll say he’s sorry and explain himself. He slaps women around when they’re hysterical, which is just so adorably old fashioned. It’s cutesy quaint like how crazy Claire is this season. There’s a certain bit of sex in his violence, unlike Sawyer, whom I feel like has no violence or anything else in his sex.

It’s sad that a character like Sawyer, who only has too emotions, full on redneck angry and goofy, is really just going through the motions this season post-Juliet, it seems. He doesn’t want to search and destroy, he wants to sit around in his underwear and listen to “Search and Destroy.”

He’s doing a so so job of recon on Hydra Island, discovering that Widmore’s got a stealthy interesting operation set up there and an HQ on a submarine (like a Bond villain!), and then trying to play Big Chuck against The Man In Black.

The even sadder thing is I think that Widmore and the Locke-ness Monster have to see through Sawyer’s attempts to get them to go to war with each other. If anyone who’s spent more than five minutes on this mystical, magical Island has learned anything, it’s this: everyone has a past, not everyone has a future, and you may or may not have a sideways. Also, lies are currency and the economy is broken and bleeding.

I applaud Sawyer for not planning on taking the plane. Of course not. Why would you? It’s not like he knows how to fly that thing. But he does know how to pilot a submarine? Really? I somehow feel that there’s more to it than just pressing a glowing button that says SUBMERGE on it.

If I could use another partial financial metaphor here about Sawyer: The man is just not invested. He’s completely checked out and he’s leaving me checked out too. He’s the exact opposite of Jack in major ways now. Jack is nuts, and entirely invested. There’s not a situation that Jack can’t attempt to kill himself out of us, meanwhile Sawyer’s just going to to sit around and brood and maybe tell Kate things through gritted teeth after she’s had a good sit and cry. Or after she’s seen Claire’s fake baby thing:

Taking a momentary pause here because… Here’s a promotional still from new weeks’ Richard (finally!) Alpert-centric episode:

Also, a question about the Sideways universe that made my ears perk up a bit: Miles’ dad is off the Island in the Sideways universe? Last week people bitched about Roger and Ben Linus being off the Island in the Sideways world, but they could’ve easily gotten onto that submarine on time. But wasn’t Pierre Chang right there front and center when that nuclear weapon went off at the Swan site? Unless this is a stepfather? A stepfather who works at a museum with Charlotte, whom Miles is pimping out to Sawyer.

Also, let’s face it: Charlotte is easy.

But in a great way. In a way everyone should be. Ladies is pimps too. She’s an independent woman who can fuck a guy like a Sawyer if she wants. In another time and place, a guy like Sawyer might threaten to slap her one right after slapping her fragile colleague in science and holder of an unrequited crush on her, but in a Sideways kind of world, she might let a guy like Sawyer try three, maybe four positions with her. And maybe if Sawyer had been cooler, and not left his most important documents in the world in his top drawer, he would’ve seen her whip on the second date. And not being chilling at home watching reruns of Little House On The Prairie. And not being try to win her back in the cheesiest way ever with a huge novelty flower.

But, of course Miles will take him back.

And, thankfully, Charlie is still in jail.

Oh well. Here’s a SPOILER about the rest of the season: In the finale, Sawyer reveals that he’s been at least half gay since the freighter blew up.

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5 responses to ““Son of a bitch!”

  1. i know that a lot of people find this guy attractive, but whenever he takes his shirt off all i can see is his strange, sloping shoulders. i really can’t tell you what he looks like beyond that.

  2. “Miles: “Cutting it a little close, aren’t we?”

    Sawyer: “Only way to cut it.””

    Fuck yeah!

    I was debating doing a post on potential lost spinoffs, but I think you beat me too it.

    Also, I think Jack and Sawyer has switched places this season. In Season 5, it was Jack who was uninvested and just along for the ride. But then he started making bad decisions and getting people killed again, and he’s totally got his groove back now.

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