Counterforce at the Movies: The Twilight Saga – New Moon

[3:32] <Benjamin_Light> Hello Everyone and Welcome to Counterforce at the Movies!

[3:32] <marcosparks2012> This is going to be painful

[3:32] <marcosparks2012> Right off the bat, let me just say… Summit entertainment: How dare you?

[3:32] <Benjamin_Light> This week, we’re watching New Moon

[3:32] <marcosparks2012> Oh my God, it’s the MOON. And it’s new. I’m sorry, I’m just dazzled by the sparkly images on the screen

[3:32] <Benjamin_Light> Marco never saw twilight, so just let me know if you need filling in on any pertinent details

[3:33] <marcosparks2012> Holy shit, K-Stew has some intense emotions going on here

[3:34] <Benjamin_Light> I’m already speechless

[3:34] <marcosparks2012> I have the subtitles on by the way: “Gasps softly.”

[3:34] <marcosparks2012> WTF, that guy is sparkling

[3:34] <marcosparks2012> “Gran, this is my bisexual boyfriend…”

[3:34] <Benjamin_Light> that’s what twilight vampires do. Sparkle!

[3:34] <Benjamin_Light> (Gasps)

[3:35] <Benjamin_Light> in your face, K-stew! You’re old!

[3:35] <marcosparks2012> Vampires are not real! Why is he kissing that old woman who is hideous in the mirror. Romeo and Juliet! AGGGHHH

[3:35] <Benjamin_Light> (bella clicks tongue)

[3:35] <marcosparks2012> “That’s actually great. Thanks, dad.”

[3:35] <marcosparks2012> She got a digital camera for her birthday. As a teenage girl, doesn’t she already have a billion digital cameras?

[3:36] <Benjamin_Light> yeah, 18-year olds freak out about gray hairs

[3:36] <marcosparks2012> They do when they’re worried about getting old and going through menopause with their sparkly supernatural boyfriends

[3:36] <marcosparks2012> LAME HIGH SCHOOLERS.

[3:36] <Benjamin_Light> Not-Aaron Yu & GF with gadgets!!!!!

[3:37] <marcosparks2012> I feel like Aaron Yoo is a strange recurring motif to most Counterforce events.

[3:37] <Benjamin_Light> for reals

[3:37] <marcosparks2012> Why does he walk in slow mo?!

[3:37] <Benjamin_Light> I’m going to need to try really hard not to take copious shots at RobPat’s sexuality. Really hard!

[3:37] <marcosparks2012> “Gross” and “thoroughly repulsed.” I get that, I do.

[3:38] <marcosparks2012> I think the sparkles do that for us, re: he’s British and therefore probably gay. No offense, gay people.

[3:38] <marcosparks2012> Holy crap, is that kid a roadie from Metallica?

[3:38] <Benjamin_Light> “I’m just filling out, Bella!”

[3:38] <marcosparks2012> Chilling on the Res.

[3:39] <marcosparks2012> These are the dorkiest high school kids ever.

[3:39] <Benjamin_Light> This is a story of love between a vampire and a werewolf, and the sulky brunette bitch who comes between them

[3:39] <marcosparks2012> K-STEW is spinning a web of sullenness.

[3:39] <marcosparks2012> Nothing to give back to him? Your virginity! Hello!

[3:39] <Benjamin_Light> “I have nothing to give back to you” …”except for my virginity!”

[3:40] <marcosparks2012> WTF is wrong with that kid in the background?

[3:40] <Benjamin_Light> this chick is my fav character

[3:40] <marcosparks2012> Look at that blonde kid’s hair. I mean, shit, man. Look at that. I hope that’s a wig.

[3:40] <marcosparks2012> Jasper? Is that a real name? Are you fucking kidding me?

[3:40] <marcosparks2012> Anna Kendrick’s career went up in the air after this movie.

[3:41] <marcosparks2012> Is Robert Pattinson wearing lipstick?

[3:41] <Benjamin_Light> By the way, I don’t want to spoil anything, but the movie ends with RobPat going to the WTC on the morning of 9/11 and getting killed by an airplane.

[3:41] <marcosparks2012> That’s because he wants to kill himself.

[3:41] <marcosparks2012> with awesomeness. Or in a blaze of awesome twist ending glory.

[3:42] <marcosparks2012> Infodump!

[3:42] <Benjamin_Light> seriously, girls swoon over this guy

[3:42] <marcosparks2012> He kinda makes the Crow look normal.

[3:43] <marcosparks2012> So, wait… there’s a Vampire Vatican?

[3:43] <Benjamin_Light> naturally

[3:43] <Benjamin_Light> OMG is that Liz Lemon’s annoying british date?

[3:43] <marcosparks2012> It is. It’s… TONY BLAIR!

[3:44] <Benjamin_Light> “The only thing that can hurt me is you.”

[3:44] <marcosparks2012> “The only thing that can hurt me is you.” I need to write that down. Killer line, bro.

[3:44] <marcosparks2012> Ladies love that kind of shit, right?

[3:45] <Benjamin_Light> why do both actors look like they’re half smirking at the campiness the whole time?

[3:45] <marcosparks2012> This is a great relationship, I just want to say. Good role models.

[3:45] <Benjamin_Light> Peter Facinelli is the dad

[3:46] <Benjamin_Light> Don’t hate the truck!

[3:46] <marcosparks2012> I’m already thinking back fondly to Can’t Hardly Wait.

[3:46] <marcosparks2012> Jesus, how hard is it to open a present.

[3:46] <marcosparks2012> THE BLOOD! JUMP HER!

[3:46] <marcosparks2012> Blood orgy, y’all

[3:46] <Benjamin_Light> take that, jasper

[3:47] <Benjamin_Light> virgin blood!

[3:47] <marcosparks2012> Whoa. Talk about over reacting, everyone.

[3:48] <marcosparks2012> Robert Pattinson is making Keanu Reeves look like Anthony Hopkins here.

[3:48] <Benjamin_Light> now k-stew is hitting on Peter. Trade up? I’d say so

[3:48] <marcosparks2012> For reals.

[3:49] <marcosparks2012> Making a play for the dad. Nice, Bella.

[3:49] <Benjamin_Light> that’s how k-stew rolls

[3:49] <marcosparks2012> If he’s been alive for over a century, imagine how much money he’s wasted on hair producst over the years.

[3:50] <marcosparks2012> “You’re not going to want me when I look like a grandmother.” “Honey, I’m not going to want you a few days from now. Get serious.”

[3:50] <Benjamin_Light> “Bella, do you not understand my feelings for you at all?” chicks love that

[3:50] <marcosparks2012> This is a lovely primer on how to be a bad, emotionally abusive boyfriend.

[3:51] <marcosparks2012> K-STEW has mastered the art of looking like she has to poop.

[3:51] <Benjamin_Light> “It’s still my birthday” (sneers)

[3:51] <Benjamin_Light> (both gasping)

[3:51] <marcosparks2012> I think he just came in his pants from kissing her.

[3:52] <Benjamin_Light> why would you fold yourself out of a picture?

[3:52] <marcosparks2012> The subtitles inform me whenever a new indie rock song starts playing on the soundtrack. If I was deaf, that would be so important to me, I’m sure.

[3:52] <marcosparks2012> I like how he breaks into her room. Angel wouldn’t have done that!

[3:53] <Benjamin_Light> this guy makes Angel look downright tough

[3:53] <marcosparks2012> Who stands like that?

[3:53] <marcosparks2012> Tough and manly.

[3:53] <marcosparks2012> Edward: Emotionally available.

[3:53] <Benjamin_Light> you didn’t see twilight, but the cinematography in that had all these weird nature porn shots

[3:54] <Benjamin_Light> No, bitch, I said I have to leave, not you

[3:54] <Benjamin_Light> (sneers)

[3:54] <marcosparks2012> “There’s no ‘you’ in ‘we,’ Bella.”

[3:54] <marcosparks2012> This is the most lamely abusive relationship I have ever seen. There’s a new “Mary Sue” archetype being created here. It’s called “Bella Swan.”

[3:54] <marcosparks2012> Although all my break ups are now going to take place in the woods from now on.

[3:55] <marcosparks2012> “I’m coming!”

[3:55] <marcosparks2012> “Bella, I don’t want you to come!”

[3:55] <marcosparks2012> WIN

[3:55] <Benjamin_Light> !!!!

[3:55] <Benjamin_Light> “If it’s not too much to ask, can you promise not to fuck anyone else?”

[3:56] <marcosparks2012> “Hey, I get that I’ve just destroyed your pathetic little world, but don’t go and kill yourself or anything lame like that, mmkay?”

[3:56] <marcosparks2012> “You’re just not good for me!”

[3:56] <marcosparks2012> This is tremendous.

[3:56] <Benjamin_Light> Erotikus tells me that in the fourth book, they get married and he tears her shit up on the wedding night. Then he sees all the bruises he gave her during the ass-pounding and cries.

[3:56] <marcosparks2012> Wow. He just really broomed her.

[3:57] <marcosparks2012> Someone told me that the werewolf starts crushing on their kid after it’s born in the fourth book.

[3:57] <marcosparks2012> So, you know, everything about this series is healthy and right.

[3:57] <Benjamin_Light> this is a terrible act one

[3:57] <marcosparks2012> And… he’s left her stranded in the woods. Icing on the cake.

[3:58] <marcosparks2012> How far out in the woods are they? Was she not, like, paying attention to how they got there? YOU CAN WALK HOME.

[3:58] <Benjamin_Light> yeah, they walked like 50 feet

[3:58] <Benjamin_Light> (bella crying)

[3:58] <marcosparks2012> The distance is far too great though. Instead… she’s going to collapse right here.

[3:58] <marcosparks2012> Alright, quick PSA for the kids here: Vampires are not real!

[3:59] <marcosparks2012> But STDs are.

[3:59] <Benjamin_Light> (soft growling)

[3:59] <marcosparks2012> (Soft growling)

[3:59] <marcosparks2012> (Grass rustling)

[3:59] <marcosparks2012> It’s like erotic poetry, this.

[3:59] <Benjamin_Light> (dream wetting)

[3:59] <marcosparks2012> She’s been gone for, what, an hour?

[3:59] <marcosparks2012> Police manhunt time!

[3:59] <marcosparks2012> Why is this guy shirtless?

[4:00] <Benjamin_Light> “She’s all right, she was just lying on the ground 25 feet from her house.”

[4:00] <marcosparks2012> That’s not weird. Shirtless man… carrying a high school girl out of the woods… Perfectly normal.

[4:00] <marcosparks2012> Is this actually what life is like in the pacific northwest?

[4:00] <Benjamin_Light> time for K-Stew to go heavy on the eyeshadow and fuck some townies

[4:00] <marcosparks2012> A whole month has passed in the course of this Lykke Li song.

[4:01] <marcosparks2012> Then another. Then another!

[4:01] <Benjamin_Light> she’s got a mac!

[4:01] <marcosparks2012> “The absence of him is everywhere I look.” That’s heavy.

[4:01] <marcosparks2012> (Bella screaming)

[4:01] <Benjamin_Light> holy shit.

[4:02] <marcosparks2012> Damn, yo, life is hard on a girl in high school.

[4:02] <Benjamin_Light> that was her o face

[4:02] <marcosparks2012> Okay, the screaming in her sleep? I think that might be a little over the top.

[4:02] <Benjamin_Light> just a bit

[4:02] <marcosparks2012> Unless she’s masturbating. Then it makes a kind of sense.

[4:02] <marcosparks2012> “Balls, he’s not coming back.”

[4:03] <marcosparks2012> “It’s just not normal, this behavior.” Thank you, an adult.

[4:03] <Benjamin_Light> exactly

[4:03] <marcosparks2012> I feel like K-STEW is lacking the muscles in her face to actually smile.

[4:04] <marcosparks2012> Leprosy is not funny, yo.

[4:04] <Benjamin_Light> yay anna k!

[4:04] <marcosparks2012> “One Eyed Pete’s.”

[4:05] <marcosparks2012> Ectoplasm orgasm.

[4:05] <Benjamin_Light> disembodied head!

[4:05] <Benjamin_Light> genius

[4:05] <marcosparks2012> “We got beer! We got bikes!” Finally some normal young men. Only… Oh God, they’re middle aged bikers.  Yuck.

[4:05] <Benjamin_Light> (Friends Playing)

[4:05] <marcosparks2012> I feel like if we timed it, there’s a new indie rock song starting literally every five minutes.

[4:06] <Benjamin_Light> get him back, K-Stew!

[4:06] <marcosparks2012> “I’m only a biker at night. The rest of the time I’m a dad and a xerox salesman. And a proud member of the Tea Party.”

[4:06] <marcosparks2012> K-STEW, I’m not in love with your decisions here. They’re not so much reckless as kind of boring.

[4:06] <Benjamin_Light> popping a wheelie is a metaphorical boner popping

[4:07] <marcosparks2012> This guy has a bald spot. That’s not dangerous.

[4:07] <Benjamin_Light> “I was about to end up in an fbi room like some lame tv show.” or some lame movie!

[4:07] <marcosparks2012> Can the movie follow Anna Kendrick’s character now?

[4:07] <marcosparks2012> Like, what is she doing now?

[4:07] <Benjamin_Light> back door Up in the Air prequel

[4:08] <Benjamin_Light> wow, this chick really likes bella. oh wait, that’s jacob

[4:08] <marcosparks2012> Jacob looks like a girl.

[4:08] <marcosparks2012> Great minds. Thinking alike.

[4:08] <Benjamin_Light> mmhmm

[4:08] <marcosparks2012> She wants him to do some cheap mechanical work for her… This is your in, bro.

[4:09] <Benjamin_Light> he’s a useful injun

[4:09] <Benjamin_Light> “Jake, you’re, like, buff!”

[4:09] <marcosparks2012> YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE 40.

[4:09] <Benjamin_Light> BURN@!

[4:09] <marcosparks2012> This is where he relates to her that he had to hit the gym for 20 hours a day to be in this movie.

[4:09] <Benjamin_Light> hgh

[4:10] <marcosparks2012> “You? Influence me? Please.”

[4:10] <Benjamin_Light> “Bitch please!”

[4:10] <marcosparks2012> I like how she’s now wanting to be the emotionally abusive one.

[4:10] <Benjamin_Light> “I’m Quil Aeteara!”

[4:11] <Benjamin_Light> heheh, that guy just said Burn!

[4:11] <marcosparks2012> Awkward.

[4:11] <marcosparks2012> Quil’s actually taking his cousin to prom! OHHHHH.

[4:11] <marcosparks2012> Rough housing!

[4:12] <marcosparks2012> I like how the pizza is delivered straight to his barn.

[4:12] <marcosparks2012> “What’s up with you and age?” Stop trying to fuck someone’s dad, Bella.

[4:12] <Benjamin_Light> Bella’s thinking, “I don’t need to worry about this jake guy unless he cuts his hair.”

[4:13] <marcosparks2012> Seriously. The screaming.

[4:13] <Benjamin_Light> (bella whimpering)

[4:13] <Benjamin_Light> i mean come on, at your lowest of lows, have you ever woke up wailing about a person

[4:14] <marcosparks2012> Not unless, again, I’m masturbating in SCREAM mode and someone walks in on me.

[4:14] <Benjamin_Light> eyes on the road, bella

[4:14] <marcosparks2012> “If I told you I couldn’t have fixed these bikes, what would you have said?” “Fuck off, loser. That’s what.”

[4:14] <Benjamin_Light> cut your hair!

[4:15] <marcosparks2012> Jacob looks like a lesbian. It’s the elephant in the room and I’m going to say it.

[4:15] <Benjamin_Light> that’s why he’s a mechanic. burrrrrnnN!!

[4:15] <marcosparks2012> Bella and Jacob. A bunch of crazy locas.

[4:15] <Benjamin_Light> yeah, cliff diving into freezing ocean water. fun

[4:15] <marcosparks2012> (continue whooping)

[4:16] <Benjamin_Light> Sam is the bad werewolf, preying on young boys

[4:16] <marcosparks2012> “Sam keeps giving me this look. Like he’s waiting for me or something.”

[4:16] <marcosparks2012> No comment on that.

[4:17] <Benjamin_Light> hahahaha bella just ate shit

[4:17] <marcosparks2012> Thank God that rock stopped her tumble.

[4:18] <marcosparks2012> Jacob’s like, “Wow, you really suck.”

[4:18] <Benjamin_Light> we’ve spent 45 minutes watching bella get broomed and then develop a motorcycle fetish

[4:18] <marcosparks2012> Jacob’s been working out for years to stick it to her with abs. Like those old school Milk ads from when we were kids.

[4:18] <Benjamin_Light> “what are you staring at?” “Your ridiculous abs.”

[4:19] <marcosparks2012> (Jacob chuckles softly)

[4:19] <marcosparks2012> “It was jet black and huge.” I feel that.

[4:19] <Benjamin_Light> yay Anna K!

[4:19] <marcosparks2012> All of these high school kids are tremendously uninteresting.

[4:20] <Benjamin_Light> this dude is about to get shot down

[4:20] <marcosparks2012> Wow, look… Bella’s got a Duckie.

[4:20] <marcosparks2012> That’s an enthusiastic “yes” to his request.

[4:20] <Benjamin_Light> ‘Face punch”

[4:20] <marcosparks2012> A movie called “Face Punch.” I’d rather watch that then this.

[4:20] <Benjamin_Light> bella’s into face punches

[4:21] <Benjamin_Light> so, this guy’s gonna get killed by a vampire/werewolf, right?

[4:21] <marcosparks2012> (Jacob scoffing)

[4:21] <marcosparks2012> You know you suck when you’re getting scoffed at by Jacob, douche.

[4:21] <marcosparks2012> (gun cocking on screen)

[4:21] <Benjamin_Light> (CUN COCKING ON SCREEN)

[4:22] <Benjamin_Light> this movie sounds awesome

[4:22] <marcosparks2012> I want to see these guys get blown… away.

[4:22] <marcosparks2012> (screaming continues) That’s a meta statement.

[4:22] <Benjamin_Light> tip to dudes. If there are two of you and one girl at the movies together: FAIL

[4:22] <marcosparks2012> Jacob does as much scoffing as Bella does mouth clicking.

[4:22] <Benjamin_Light> (sneers)

[4:23] <Benjamin_Light> ouch, shot down

[4:23] <marcosparks2012> “it means something a little different to you.” Ouch, bro. That hurts.

[4:23] <Benjamin_Light> put it in her mouth!

[4:23] <marcosparks2012> Is the other guy literally still throwing up in the movie theater bathroom?

[4:23] <Benjamin_Light> “well I’ve got loads. … of time.”

[4:24] <marcosparks2012> Bella is tremendously selfish. I think you were on to something in your summation of what role K-STEW fulfills: “One whom girls live their fantasies through, rather than the MPDG, who men project their fantasies on?” But even still… this is terrible.

[4:24] <marcosparks2012> (Jacob sighs deeply)

[4:25] <Benjamin_Light> for some reason teenagers eat this shit up. girls who act like melodramatic selfish bitches and guys who cry.

[4:25] <marcosparks2012> Jacob scoffs again!

[4:25] <Benjamin_Light> (Jacob Scoffs)

[4:25] <Benjamin_Light> “you’re really hot!”

[4:25] <marcosparks2012> Jacob’s getting a hot flash.

[4:26] <Benjamin_Light> jacob’s experiencing a boner/werewolf

[4:26] <marcosparks2012> No one gets mono. That’s bullshit.

[4:26] <marcosparks2012> Maybe he’s just really bored.

[4:26] <Benjamin_Light> btw, I’m on beer #2 now

[4:26] <marcosparks2012> You probably should’ve started the first two before the movie started.

[4:26] <Benjamin_Light> “I thought I had mono for a month in college. Turns out I was just really depressed.”

[4:27] <Benjamin_Light> My Kung Fu is Strong

[4:27] <marcosparks2012> Life in Forks is fucking boring. Thank God for all the vampires and werewolves and shit.

[4:27] <Benjamin_Light> there are way too many shirtless buff dudes walking around in cold weather

[4:28] <marcosparks2012> Everyone likes dumping Bella.

[4:28] <marcosparks2012> It’s like she’s there for you to calibrate your asshole skills on her.

[4:28] <Benjamin_Light> (Thunder Rumbling)

[4:29] <marcosparks2012> You know, as I’m watching this, I’m tremendously, spectacularly thankful that True Blood is coming back. I think that’s what we’re all thinking, yes?

[4:29] <Benjamin_Light> this movie is reinforcing the whole “He changes after you sleep with him” thing, only without the fucking

[4:29] <marcosparks2012> IT’S NOT YOU.

[4:29] <marcosparks2012> IT’S ME.

[4:29] <marcosparks2012> When, in fact, it really is her. Apparently.

[4:30] <Benjamin_Light> for real, Sookie’s got it all over Bella

[4:30] <marcosparks2012> “You can’t break up with me. Cause… like, we’re not even dating.”

[4:30] <marcosparks2012> This is a rather intense conversation when I think “Hey, fuck off” might’ve sufficed. Followed by some scoffing.

[4:30] <Benjamin_Light> this movie manages to suck more than Twilight without nearly enough unintentional comedy

[4:31] <marcosparks2012> Let’s just lay in a field several feet apart from each other and stare into each other’s eyes. Foreplay for the abstinence kids!

[4:31] <Benjamin_Light> sparkles!

[4:32] <Benjamin_Light> (sobbing)

[4:32] <marcosparks2012> I like how the vamps are all required to dress like eurotrash douchebags.

[4:32] <Benjamin_Light> Lie better, bitch

[4:33] <marcosparks2012> Okay, seriously, who the fuck is this guy?

[4:33] <Benjamin_Light> he was in the first movie

[4:33] <marcosparks2012> That is no excuse for sucking this bad.

[4:33] <marcosparks2012> (Laurent sighs)

[4:34] <Benjamin_Light> “no, no. no, no”

[4:34] <marcosparks2012> The audience is well aware that K-STEW is, in fact, not all that mouth watering.

[4:34] <Benjamin_Light> and yet, there’s something in her sneer that turns me on

[4:35] <marcosparks2012> She’s just so disgusted. It’s enticing. Plus, I don’t blame her. If this was my movie/life, I’d sneer harder than Billy Idol.

[4:35] <marcosparks2012> Holy crap, that vampire is the Flash.

[4:35] <Benjamin_Light> that vampire was running at normal speed with some blurry effect photoshopped onto him

[4:35] <marcosparks2012> Seriously, what is her obsession with the woods?

[4:36] <Benjamin_Light> “Bella, what the hell were you doing out in the woods?” “But I was only like 20 feet off the road”

[4:36] <marcosparks2012> Is her dad a cop or something or just a fan of hunting?

[4:36] <Benjamin_Light> I think he’s a cop

[4:36] <marcosparks2012> The redhead is the one they replaced with Bryce Dallas Howard, right?

[4:36] <Benjamin_Light> I think

[4:37] <Benjamin_Light> seriously, put a fucking shirt on, taylor Lautner

[4:37] <marcosparks2012> Jacob’s gone through a rite of passage that no longer includes shirts.

[4:37] <Benjamin_Light> “Have you ever had a secret you couldn’t tell anyone?”

[4:38] <Benjamin_Light> “You have no idea how tight I’m bound”

[4:38] <marcosparks2012> Jacob’s aching for a release.

[4:39] <marcosparks2012> I think Jacob just missed his chance.

[4:39] <Benjamin_Light> (softly)

[4:40] <marcosparks2012> (gasps)

[4:40] <Benjamin_Light> (sneers)

[4:40] <marcosparks2012> There’s an awesome acting class for high schoolers here in the sighing, scoffing, and gasps. And all of it done so softly.

[4:41] <marcosparks2012> (werewolf snarls)

[4:41] <Benjamin_Light> god this is lame

[4:41] <Benjamin_Light> OMG, he has a shirt on

[4:42] <marcosparks2012> Seriously, if these guys were a gang, well… nevermind. Cause… slapfight!

[4:42] <marcosparks2012> These guys must lose a lot of shorts when they go all Incredible Hulk on each other.

[4:42] <Benjamin_Light> (whimpers)

[4:43] <marcosparks2012> Werewolves are a lame metaphor.

[4:43] <marcosparks2012> GUESS THE WOLF’S OUT OF THE BAG.

[4:43] <Benjamin_Light> (both whoop)

[4:43] <Benjamin_Light> are there not girl werewolves?

[4:44] <marcosparks2012> Cause that wouldn’t be homoerotic, me thinks.

[4:44] <Benjamin_Light> Muffin?

[4:44] <marcosparks2012> After turning into a big, snarly hairy beast, what you really want is… a muffin. And maybe some Starbucks.

[4:45] <Benjamin_Light> “Oh and check it out, we can hear each other’s thoughts”

[4:45] <marcosparks2012> “You can’t really run with vampires… dummy.”

[4:45] <marcosparks2012> “Jake’s right. You’re good with weird.” I need to say that to all my lady friends.

[4:45] <marcosparks2012> The not so subtle metaphor: All men are beasts.

[4:45] <marcosparks2012> Jacob and the other guy had to stop for a shower together, then a change of clothes.

[4:46] <Benjamin_Light> “can’t you just stop (being gay)?”

[4:46] <marcosparks2012> Ooohhhh, so the werewolves and the vampires really hate each other. Man, this movie makes me feel bad for how much I didn’t like Underworld.

[4:46] <marcosparks2012> “Vampires never hurt anybody, you guys.”

[4:47] <marcosparks2012> “That leech with the dreads?” That feels slightly racist.

[4:47] <Benjamin_Light> “you can’t kill vampires!” “No actually, they’re big pussies, we take em out easy.”

[4:48] <marcosparks2012> The werewolves can smell the vampires’ hair product from miles away.

[4:48] <Benjamin_Light> “I smell axe body spray! Let’s roll!”

[4:48] <marcosparks2012> What’s fascinating is how much these guys don’t really want to sleep with her. Its like they’re only interested in her for her sparkling conversation.

[4:48] <Benjamin_Light> why does Bella keep writing emails to a dead email address?

[4:49] <marcosparks2012> There’s some hot, fresh Thom Yorke about to drop on your ass, bro.

[4:49] <marcosparks2012> The subtitles are actively getting the lyrics wrong. Interesting.

[4:49] <marcosparks2012> Also, the red headed vampire is hot.

[4:50] <Benjamin_Light> soon to be Bryce Dallas Howard

[4:50] <marcosparks2012> That’s less hot.

[4:50] <Benjamin_Light> man, I am so over wire-fu

[4:50] <marcosparks2012> WHY IS BELLA BACK IN THE WOODS?

[4:51] <marcosparks2012> Are there no sidewalks in this town?

[4:51] <marcosparks2012> Is everything a short cut through the woods?

[4:51] <Benjamin_Light> the blurry-speed effect is really bad

[4:52] <Benjamin_Light> also the man to werewolf effect is pretty sloppy too

[4:52] <marcosparks2012> So… Bella’s going to throw herself off a cliff. If only this were to be the end of the movie/series.

[4:52] <Benjamin_Light> yay!

[4:52] <Benjamin_Light> kill yourself!!

[4:52] <marcosparks2012> I like how she’ll call his suicide bluff with her own.

[4:53] <marcosparks2012> Surf’s up, Bella!

[4:53] <Benjamin_Light> weak

[4:53] <marcosparks2012> Shocking.

[4:54] <Benjamin_Light> The end!

[4:54] <marcosparks2012> Sadly… Jacob had to save her life.

[4:54] <Benjamin_Light> cop a feel, Jake

[4:54] <marcosparks2012> He really did.

[4:55] <marcosparks2012> Somehow it took an hour and a half of this movie for him to make a real move.

[4:55] <Benjamin_Light> zzzzzz

[4:55] <marcosparks2012> I like how no one is willing to call her out on how she prefers the feeling bad to the taking a chance on actively trying to feel better.

[4:55] <Benjamin_Light> have you noticed that the ADR work in this movie is really bad?

[4:55] <marcosparks2012> It’s really bad.

[4:55] <Benjamin_Light> Taylor Lautner must be terrible with his lines on set

[4:56] <marcosparks2012> “You’re like your own sun.” That’s lame.

[4:56] <marcosparks2012> Bella is as about as smooth as the men in this movie, which is saying… not much.

[4:56] <Benjamin_Light> Yep, men just can’t control themselves sometimes

[4:56] <marcosparks2012> All men are beasts!

[4:56] <marcosparks2012> And, if this movie is accurate, really boring.

[4:57] <marcosparks2012> As ridiculous as Sookie Stackhouse, she really is actually a vastly better “role model” than Bella Swan.

[4:57] <marcosparks2012> (Bella inhales sharply)

[4:58] <Benjamin_Light> yeah, bella is kind of a terrible person

[4:58] <marcosparks2012> “There’s a vampire.” “How do you know?” “I can smell their Axe body spray!”

[4:58] <Benjamin_Light> (bella grunts)

[4:59] <marcosparks2012> I like how the vampires and werewolves draw up treaties. The paperwork involved must really suck. I hope Richard Alpert is their lawyer.

[4:59] <Benjamin_Light> they were just all waiting in the dark

[4:59] <marcosparks2012> Old news.

[4:59] <marcosparks2012> “Life-threatening idiocy.” Yeah.

[5:00] <Benjamin_Light> “I have never met anyone more prone to life-threatening idiocy”

[5:00] <Benjamin_Light> <3 u alice

[5:00] <marcosparks2012> Wet dog smell. Ha ha.

[5:00] <marcosparks2012> Bella’s been spending her time down at the pound. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

[5:00] <marcosparks2012> “I had to see you were safe… so I broke in.”

[5:01] <marcosparks2012> Jacob’s got rage issues.

[5:01] <Benjamin_Light> he’s on the rag

[5:01] <marcosparks2012> It’s like we’re replaying the white man coming in and raping America only as a shitty teen supernatural drama with a religious agenda.

[5:02] <marcosparks2012> Are the vampires of Twilight also imbued with the same fight skills that the vampires in Buffy?

[5:02] <Benjamin_Light> they’re imbued with bad wirefu and photoshop

[5:02] <Benjamin_Light> god this is boring

[5:03] <marcosparks2012> I’d rather watch two hours of K-STEW reading a magazine!

[5:03] <Benjamin_Light> two-timing whore

[5:04] <marcosparks2012> When he says “Always in the way,” is Jacob referring to Bella?

[5:04] <Benjamin_Light> of course

[5:04] <marcosparks2012> OMG, are they going to drive all the way to Italy?

[5:05] <Benjamin_Light> wait, so the real plot here is that RobPat wants to kill himself

[5:05] <marcosparks2012> R. Pat’s got himself a date with 9/11…

[5:05] <marcosparks2012> Speaking of which, can you imagine this movie with Claire from Lost in place of K-STEW?

[5:05] <marcosparks2012> (airplane whooshing)

[5:05] <marcosparks2012> There’s so much whooshing in the world of Twilight. This whole movie is whooshing me right off my ass.

[5:05] <marcosparks2012> Whooshing and sparkling.

[5:06] <Benjamin_Light> only if Claire used the aussie accent

[5:06] <Benjamin_Light> Edward only walks in slow motion

[5:07] <marcosparks2012> Wow, the Volturi are lame.

[5:07] <marcosparks2012> Ashley Greene seems far too classy for this movie.

[5:07] <Benjamin_Light> yeah

[5:07] <marcosparks2012> And, I’m guessing, she’s psychic?

[5:07] <marcosparks2012> That, or she’s read the script? Actually, Ashley Greene probably would’ve been a fantastically better Bella Swan, methinks.

[5:08] <Benjamin_Light> or something

[5:08] <Benjamin_Light> It’s San Marco’s day!

[5:08] <marcosparks2012> Marco Sparkling. MARCO SPARKLING.

[5:08] <marcosparks2012> Oh!

[5:08] <Benjamin_Light> the plotting in this is abysmall

[5:09] <marcosparks2012> It really is. I mean, I’d be really upset if I went to see this in the theater. Then again, teenagers are stupid.

[5:09] <Benjamin_Light> yeah, really

[5:09] <marcosparks2012> I am slightly won over by K-STEW though. Somehow.

[5:09] <Benjamin_Light> who are these people in red supposed to be anyway?

[5:10] <marcosparks2012> They’re just your normal Italians, dressed in cult robes, looking like extras in Eyes Wide Shut.

[5:10] <Benjamin_Light> the climax of this movie is robpat taking his shirt off

[5:10] <marcosparks2012> She’s like “Put your shirt on! You’re no Jacob!”

[5:10] <marcosparks2012> Did he just say “Heaven” when she touched him? I hate him so hard.

[5:11] <Benjamin_Light> zzzzzzzz

[5:11] <marcosparks2012> I’d at least respect this movie more if the author wasn’t so religious to not let them fuck or something.

[5:11] <marcosparks2012> Man, this guy is a dick.

[5:11] <Benjamin_Light> don’t worry, they fuck on her wedding night and then he cries about it

[5:12] <marcosparks2012> WHHHAAAAAA!!!

[5:12] <marcosparks2012> I like how she even looks disgusted when he tells her that she’s “everything.”

[5:13] <marcosparks2012> Ah, Ashley Greene.

[5:13] <Benjamin_Light> dakota fanning?

[5:13] <marcosparks2012> Oh…. Dakota Fanning. The little girl from I Am Sam all grown up. Kind of. And more interesting than Kirsten Dunst.

[5:13] <Benjamin_Light> this movie could use some beef.

[5:13] <Benjamin_Light> As in, Shia LeBeowulf!

[5:13] <marcosparks2012> Didn’t her (Dakota Fanning) and K-STEW become like best friends on this movie?

[5:14] <marcosparks2012> I’m just thankful that this movie doesn’t contain Jesse Eisenberg. This is me counting my lucky stars.

[5:14] <marcosparks2012> The muzak in the vampire elevator is nausteating.

[5:14] <Benjamin_Light> I feel like kstew loses a lot of friends when she tries to screw their dads

[5:15] <marcosparks2012> Michael Sheen loves a happy ending, folks.

[5:15] <Benjamin_Light> this poncy retard can’t even pronounce bella

[5:15] <marcosparks2012> And now he’s going to try and fuck R. Pat. And right in front of Bella too.

[5:15] <Benjamin_Light> where did RobPat get the bathrobe?

[5:15] <marcosparks2012> He had it in his back pocket. Or stuffed up in his mangina.

[5:16] <Benjamin_Light> it is impossible to watch this and not think about Liz Lemon hating this guy

[5:16] <marcosparks2012> Ah, Bella and Edward… “Like Russ and Rebecca on Chums!”

[5:16] <marcosparks2012> BURN. Inferno of BURN.

[5:16] <marcosparks2012> “I see nothing.”

[5:17] <Benjamin_Light> what I wouldn’t give for Bill from true blood to show up and scream “sookeh is mahnn!”

[5:17] <marcosparks2012> “SOOKEH! I TULD YU NAHT TA DO THAT THANG I TULD YU NAHT TU DOO!”

[5:18] <marcosparks2012> K-STEW is immune to pain because she already appears to be suffering so much.

[5:18] <Benjamin_Light> she likes it

[5:18] <marcosparks2012> Kinky.

[5:19] <Benjamin_Light> this is the lamest action scene ever

[5:19] <Benjamin_Light> (gasps)

[5:19] <marcosparks2012> Coupla guys having a cat fight in bathrobes. Are you crazy? This is fucking thrilling.

[5:19] <marcosparks2012> If only the slow mo could get slow mo-ier.

[5:19] <Benjamin_Light> that marble won’t be cheap to replace

[5:19] <marcosparks2012> Flex those Peter Jackson muscles, American Pie guy. It’s not like it hasn’t felt that we were watching this movie frame by frame slow already.

[5:19] <Benjamin_Light> barf

[5:20] <Benjamin_Light> don’t trust him, bella, liz lemon doesn’t!

[5:20] <marcosparks2012> You know what would redeem all of this?

[5:20] <Benjamin_Light> Sayid?

[5:20] <marcosparks2012> If K-STEW had one final sneer and was like, “Fuck all of this,” and just walked out and went to college.

[5:20] <marcosparks2012> Also, FUCK YEAH SAYID.

[5:21] <marcosparks2012> Their contacts are really hideous.

[5:21] <marcosparks2012> Oh my god, they’re running through the woods together.

[5:21] <marcosparks2012> He’s wearing a… vest? A VEST?! And she wants to date him?

[5:21] <Benjamin_Light> well, I guess we don’t need to watch parts 3 and 4 then

[5:22] <marcosparks2012> You can say that again!

[5:22] <marcosparks2012> “Let us be done with this.” I agree with that guy. Make him the leader of the Volturi.

[5:23] <marcosparks2012> Ha ha. Vampires eating a tour group. The best part of his movie.

[5:23] <Benjamin_Light> is that a fucking promise ring?

[5:23] <marcosparks2012> Ugh.

[5:23] <marcosparks2012> He’s all like, “What’s with the fucking screaming in your sleep? That’s totally unnecessary.”

[5:24] <Benjamin_Light> so, like, what the fuck even happened in that showdown? does he have to make her a vampire after a reasonable amount of time now?

[5:24] <marcosparks2012> Apparently. Bella, he will fail you again. He will EPIC FAIL you again.

[5:25] <Benjamin_Light> haven’t heard the death cab song on the soundtrack yet

[5:26] <marcosparks2012> And see, he’s not wearing lipstick now. He was definitely wearing lipstick earlier, right?

[5:26] <Benjamin_Light> RobPat is ALWAYS wearing lipstick

[5:26] <marcosparks2012> Bella and Alice need to take off for their movie. Or sitcom. Some single girls in the big city. One’s peppy and a little psychic, the other’s possibly a manic depressive bore who likes her men to tell her what to do.

[5:26] <Benjamin_Light> note to teens. When Bella says “changed” she means “fucked.”

[5:26] <marcosparks2012> Here we go, everybody… BLOOD ORGY.

[5:27] <marcosparks2012> That Jasper guy gives me the giggles.

[5:27] <marcosparks2012> I mean, that hair. That hair.

[5:27] <Benjamin_Light> goddamn that guy’s bad

[5:28] <marcosparks2012> Family drama, yo.

[5:28] <Benjamin_Light> she’s gonna “wait.” to be “changed”

[5:28] <marcosparks2012> Ha ha.

[5:28] <marcosparks2012> I’ll just wait in the street… dramatically.

[5:29] <Benjamin_Light> thanks for keeping the body warm until I could come back and nail her

[5:29] <marcosparks2012> Edward and Jacob make Angel and Riley look cool. Just sayin’

[5:29] <Benjamin_Light> mmhmm, and like really excellent actors

[5:29] <marcosparks2012> They should settle this like they did in Chasing Amy.

[5:30] <marcosparks2012> (Jacob breathes deeply)

[5:30] <Benjamin_Light> (JACOB BREATHES DEEPLY)

[5:30] <marcosparks2012> Someone actually typed that into the close captioning.

[5:31] <Benjamin_Light> “Jacob, you were just a tool to make him jealous”

[5:32] <marcosparks2012> Do Jacob and his posse have troubles with their constantly ripped to shred clothes? Like, wouldn’t they be notorious in town for always showing up somewhere naked?

[5:32] <marcosparks2012> Is this movie seriously still going?

[5:32] <Benjamin_Light> and having to buy tons of new clothes

[5:32] <Benjamin_Light> “give me five years?” wtf?

[5:32] <marcosparks2012> They’re negotiating when they’re going to (fuck).

[5:33] <Benjamin_Light> Bella: that’s too long, my waterpik shower massager isn’t that good

[5:33] <marcosparks2012> R. Pat’s a virgin. And he’s nervous!

[5:33] <marcosparks2012> Or, and again, what we’re all thinking: Little penis.

[5:33] <marcosparks2012> Which would explain a lot, frankly.

[5:33] <Benjamin_Light> don’t worry, RobPat, just double-down on the oral.

[5:33] <marcosparks2012> Marriage? Ugh.

[5:33] <marcosparks2012> (gasps)

[5:33] <Benjamin_Light> *pukes*

[5:33] <marcosparks2012> That’s how the movie ends?

[5:33] <marcosparks2012> I want my money back.

[5:34] <Benjamin_Light> my only condition to making you a vampire is you have to marry me? re-fucking-tarded

[5:34] <Benjamin_Light> what a shitty movie

[5:34] <marcosparks2012> Also, K-STEW is going to make eternity really feel like a long time.

[5:35] <Benjamin_Light> for real

[5:35] <Benjamin_Light> oh, that actually was dakota fanning

[5:35] <marcosparks2012> Rachelle LeFevre. This movie needed more of her and Ashley Greene. And, oh what the hell, Peter Facinelli.

[5:35] <marcosparks2012> I didn’t recognize the chick from Thirteen at all in her hideous blonde wig and pale make up.

[5:35] <Benjamin_Light> moar Anna K, Ashley green and Peter facnielli

[5:36] <marcosparks2012> I think Anna Kendrick is perhaps glad to have gotten the fuck out of this movie after a half an hour.

[5:37] <marcosparks2012> They play the Killers, but yeah, where was the Death Cab song?

[5:37] <marcosparks2012> “White Demon,” though. That’s funny. Fitting.

[5:37] <Benjamin_Light> that’s two hours of our lives we’ll never get back. this movie made Divine Secrets of the travelling sisterhood of pants 2 look good

[5:37] <marcosparks2012> Yeah, it really did, didn’t it? Ha ha. Divine Secrets Of The Traveling Pants Ya Ya Sisterhood?

[5:37] <marcosparks2012> Congrats, Chris Weitz. Another thrilling success, you fucking hack.

[5:38] <marcosparks2012> I guess Death Cab will be the last song in the credits.

[5:38] <Benjamin_Light> for real, total hackwork. the climax made no fucking sense at all

[5:38] <Benjamin_Light> let’s have dakota fanning stare at RobPat. Oh look, he’s in pain. Now DK will stare at K-Stew: nothings happening. DUN DUN DUN!!!

[5:39] <Benjamin_Light> there’s some deathcab

[5:39] <marcosparks2012> This is like the best part of the movie. Like, I feel like I sat through 2 hrs. 7 minutes for this song.

[5:39] <Benjamin_Light> yeah, and I already had this song in my itunes

[5:39] <marcosparks2012> “That everything, everything ends,” Ben Gibbard promises/croons. Just not soon enough, you know?

[5:40] <marcosparks2012> I’ll say that I felt like Thom Yorke’s song was used effectively in the film, but that’s not saying much, honestly.

[5:40] <Benjamin_Light> I just keep remembering that August Bravo loves this movie and I shake my head

[5:40] <marcosparks2012> This movie smells like straight up mayonnaise.

[5:41] <marcosparks2012> Here’s some IMDB trivia about this film that even August will appreciate: “Actors of the wolf pack went through “wolf camp” together to get buff and bond with each other.”

[5:41] <Benjamin_Light> not that there’s anything wrong with it

[5:42] <marcosparks2012> This is funny too: Chris Weitz says that he had a lot less trouble adapting this, as compared to The Golden Compass. “Less interference,” he says. Ha ha. NO SHIT.

[5:43] <marcosparks2012> New Moon is also Robert Pattinson’s favorite book in the series. It would be.

[5:43] <Benjamin_Light> Weitz: it was easier to adapt because it was already shitty

[5:44] <marcosparks2012> Plus, his “If I can’t beat them, I might as well join them!” when it comes to shitty, religious-minded people.

[5:45] <marcosparks2012> I like how the title has nothing to do with the actual movie. New Moon or Full Moon? Or Waxing Gibbous? Or just waning bullshit.

[5:52] <marcosparks2012> I can’t wait for Sookie and Bill and Eric now. I guess the difference between True Blood and Twilight is the difference between being an adult and a really stupid teenager? Sorry, kids.

[5:52] <Benjamin_Light> you would think kids would like true blood much more, but kids are stupid

[5:53] <Benjamin_Light> this whole thing just makes Buffy all that much more impressive.

[6:03] <marcosparks2012> This movie makes In The Land Of Women look so good in retrospect.


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2 responses to “Counterforce at the Movies: The Twilight Saga – New Moon

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