U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!!!!!

The first ever Counterforce post was me kicking dirt on the corpse of Sex and the City. Naturally, Hollywood zombie-fied that corpse and made a sequel two years later.

No, I haven’t gone to see it. I don’t hate myself.

Ai! Ai! A balrog! A balrog!

Yes, I’m going to heap even more scorn on the oxygen thieves responsible for this franchise. Because lets be honest, reading about how terrible this movie is has to be more entertaining that suffering through its 2.5 hour running time. It’s rocking a 14% right now on Rotten Tomatoes. Many are calling it the worst movie of the year. I’m calling it cultural terrorism. That touchstone you can point to when you’re talking about what’s wrong with the world.

Kudos to Horseface and her hack director Michael Patrick King for producing the first Hollywood-financed Al Queda propaganda film. I mean, that’s what this is, right? You’re trying to make the world hate America, aren’t you? You aren’t? Seriously? No, come on, tell me this is some sort of extremely bold satire. You want us to stab women who say “fabulous” too much. It’s all a big put on, right? At least spin me some bullshit about camp and the queer gaze. No? Are you fucking kidding me? You meant this? You really put in a scene where this rich bitch who doesn’t work and has a housekeeper AND A FUCKING NANNY is whining about how hard it is to be a parent? You intended this? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Was the goal to validate everything haters like me always said about the show?

I find it repulsive that this tripe still gets passed off a progressive in some circles. Contort your ideals all you want, there’s nothing empowering about consumerism and staring at your belly-button isn’t Feminism.

* not pictured: reason, accountability, self-awareness, shame, respect...

Some choice review quotes:

“Everyone’s phoning it in for the first two hours. And let me point out something that I’ve just said there: ‘The First. Two. Hours.’”

from here

“The most grotesque aspect of Sex and the City remains the central characters, all four of whom (to varying degrees) are obsessed with the trappings of wealth. They exist to consume. It’s a three-ring circus of materialism, narcissism, and entitlement.”

from here

“Carrie immediately reveals her kiss to Big, who ultimately forgives her because “I took a vow”—and gives her a big fat diamond ring to “remind her that she’s married.” Charlotte and Miranda bitch about their kids, then raise a glass to the hard work of stay-at-home mothers who do it all—and without help.”

from here

“The stakes are so low that, during the girls’ final madcap sprint through an outdoor market disguised in burqas, the unspeakable outcome they’re trying to forestall is the possibility of having to fly home in coach.”

from here

“The tagline states that we should ‘Carrie on.’ The publicity dept. almost got it right, but the spelling’s off. It needs to be ‘Carrion’ because nothing says putrefying, rotten and vile quite like this sequel.”

from here

“This is the new torture porn.”

that one was my favorite, from here

Do Not Want!

“When Marie Antoinette did this, the people tore down the f’ing Bastille.”

from here

“When Carrie asks Big, “Am I just a bitch wife who nags you?” I could hear all the straight men in the theater — all four of us — being physically prevented from responding.”

from here

This is actually David Duchovny in a wig and shades, SJP was busy the day of the promo shoot.

and finally

“Some of these people make my skin crawl. The characters of Sex and the City 2 are flyweight bubbleheads living in a world which rarely requires three sentences in a row. … Carrie also narrates the film, providing useful guidelines for those challenged by its intricacies. Sample: “Later that day, Big and I arrived home.”"

–Roger Ebert

And Chris Noth, as Mr. Big.

I’m sure Marco will have plenty more to say about tonight’s awesome LOST episode later, but for now, I just wanted to get this out there:

ps. who else nearly jizzed in their pants when it looked like Desmond was going to run over Locke all over again?

[3:32] <Benjamin_Light> Hello Everyone and Welcome to Counterforce at the Movies!

[3:32] <marcosparks2012> This is going to be painful

[3:32] <marcosparks2012> Right off the bat, let me just say… Summit entertainment: How dare you?

[3:32] <Benjamin_Light> This week, we’re watching New Moon

[3:32] <marcosparks2012> Oh my God, it’s the MOON. And it’s new. I’m sorry, I’m just dazzled by the sparkly images on the screen

[3:32] <Benjamin_Light> Marco never saw twilight, so just let me know if you need filling in on any pertinent details

Read more…

I’d like to start a new feature called “Why Won’t You Just Die Already?”

Don't tease us, asshole

Here at The Counterforce, we believe that good things happen to good people. Imagine my thrill when I read about 80s gutter trash bret michaels suffering a brain hemorrhage. It was like hearing that your favorite baseball pitcher was taking a no-hitter into the eighth. But alas, he has, as of yet, cheated death. And seriously, wouldn’t dying be his most sensible career move?

We can still hope. Cross your fingers, kight a candle, kill a chicken. Or, as Big Ben Roethlisberger would say, “All my bitches, take some shots!” If we all think good thoughts, maybe the world will reward us.

This guy's a rapist?? GTFO!

But I digress. Marco and I were talking recently about Radio. Used to be, if you wanted to hear the new shit, you tuned in to your favorite alt-station. Ok, so those old stations probably played tons of shit, but leave us our idealized youths. They played good stuff too, I swear! But today. Today. Fuck me. Have you even tried listening to a modern radio station? Jesus.

What fascinates me is that all those old shitty songs from the 90s still get a ton of play. I mean who the fuck actually wants to hear fucking ‘Give it Away’ again? And yet there is this eternal playlist of shitty modern rock songs that just will not die. This must be how our parents felt about Donovan and Otis Redding. So, today, we will focus on the music that just won’t go away. This short list will be no means be exhaustive, I would encourage you all to add your suggestions in the comments.

3 AM – Matchbox Twenty

Have you ever met a single person ever who actually likes this band? Rob Thomas must suck the dicks of some very important people.

Give Me One Reason – Tracy Chapman

This is what’s playing on repeat at the Starbucks in Hell.

Save Tonight – Eagle-eyed Cherry

The musical equivalent of drinking one of those little pre-packaged sealed cups of dairy creamer.

Torn – Natalie Imbruglia

This one makes no sense at all. She was a one-hit wonder from Convict Island, so it’s not like the stations have a payola contract with her to burn off.

Meet Virginia – Train

Possibly the most asinine song ever.

Give It Away – Red Hot Chili Peppers

Why do our favorite bands always tend to fade after a few albums, but these motherfuckers just stick around forever, still pumping out shit? Their new stuff is bad enough, but after all these years, Give It Away is still making everyone change the radio station, even if it’s to a commercial.

Fly Away – Lenny Kravitz

It’s not like this was a good song that got played too much, it was a steaming pile of shit even when it came out. And it STILL GETS FUCKING AIRPLAY! Who are these people who enjoy the stylings of Lenny Kravitz??? Please suicide yourselves.

I’m sure you can think of additional candidates.

ahahahahah suck it, Millar.

…

just because:

Hey Marco: should we be saying something about the Oscars on here today?

*shrug*

Based on early photographs, it appears that only Anna Kendrick’s stylist doesn’t hate her.

In other news…

So I’m watching Point Break, as promised, and wondering why some people just seem to hate this movie. And I think I have the answer: the 10 minute rule.

Anyone in filmmaking knows that most people make up their mind about a movie in the first ten minutes. It either grabs them, or it doesn’t. And you know what’s missing from the first 10 minutes of Point Break? Patrick fucking Swayze. I guess I can see how some people just saw this as a Keanu flick and checked out. Because Keanu, after all, is Keanu. But Swayze just lives his role as Bohdi. I mean, if you had told me that the Swayz knocked off a couple small banks on the side to get into the part I would have totally believed you.

Before Swayze shows up, Point Break is mostly ho-hum. Then it turns into some kind of awesome roller-coaster where Bohdi can walk into a scene and say “Johnny has his own demons to deal with. Don’t you, Johnny?” and you totally buy it.

The man is fascinating, and you kind of wish he made 10o more movies in his career. There’s like a Tao of Swayze that needs to be studied in film schools. If I can take an auteur class on Ida Lupino, surely there’s room for a seminar or two on the career of Patrick Swayze.

A fascinating man.

Anyway.

Just an open word out there to all you supposed Lost fans who seem to pop up EVERY FUCKING SEASON whining about how you’re not getting enough answers: It’s a fucking mystery show! You are never going to get all the answers until it’s over. You knew this in Season 1. Why are you still here if that was a problem? Let me tell you why the rest of us fans are still here: because of the characters. If you’re not into it, then fuck off and quit bitching. This is the last season; enjoy it like fine wine instead of demanding a rush to the ending. Ass.

In other news, Rogue Wave has a new album out, just listening to it right now.

A man in Washington crashed into a telephone pole in his car. He survived without serious injury and called his family for help. Then he took a piss near a live electrical wire and electrocuted himself to death. That’s fucking awesome, some real Final Destination shit.

Root beer makes a fine mixer for vodka.

Jerry Brown is probably going to be the next governor of Cali. If you’re wondering why this state is so fucked up, look no further than that and Prop 13. Also, if you don’t live in California, don’t get cocky. We just got here first, you’re next.

If Jerry Brown is the answer, we're asking the wrong question

Under-rated Point Break moment: Johnny Utah jumping out of a plane after Bohdi. No parachute, just a gun. If Jack Bauer did that we’d all be jizzing in our pants.

I really want to read this book.

That is all.

I think Season 6 is shaping up to be the resurgence of Jack. While bros like Desmond, Sayid and Richard Alpert might be cooler, I’ve always empathized with Jack’s story the most, warts and all. Funny, considering that he was originally going to be a throwaway character played by Michael Keaton who died in the Pilot.

Needless to say, I loved tonight’s episode. Loved the Island stuff, where we see Jack through Hurley’s eyes. From Hugo’s POV, Jack is both his leader and also kind of a scary nutcase. How does Jacob, through Hurley, get Jack to do what he wants? By playing mind games about Jack’s daddy issues, of course. Jack is nothing if not consistent. It was very understated, but sweet to see how much Hurley does look up to Jack. Jack may be a total mess, but he’s their leader.

And off the Island, Jack has a son (!) from a marriage that didn’t work out here either. But maybe, after the death of Christian, this Jack is beginning to pull it together. It’s interesting to see Jack puzzling at his appendix scar, not totally sure where it came from. As with our other flash-sideways characters, it’s like  our heroes are unconsciously learning from the failures of their alternate selves. “Through a Looking Glass” was all about showing us how everything went terrible wrong. The sideways-scenes this season might be about how there’s also hope that things can go right too.

Meanwhile, Claire is rocking the Rousseau gear, and, just as Dogen promised, she’s been infected with the darkness. You kinda knew she was going to kill that poor Other. But interesting to learn that they captured and tested her too, as they did Sayid. I suppose this means that Claire didn’t time jump like the other Lostaways?

I wonder if Jin really did see Aaron at the temple, or if he was just talking some bullshit to win Claire over until he could get the fuck away from her. Does Claire see the dark man as Locke, or Christian? Or someone else?

But what I really want to know is: who’s #108? Please let it be Desmond!

If you haven’t already, you might want to check out:

But before you do, make sure you put on some trash bag diapers, you know, like the astronauts wear.

We have already been taking a wonderful ride down memory lane, and at this point, every scene on this list is one of those “fuck me, I don’t believe what I just saw” moments. That reminds me, nowhere in this whole list did we find time to recall one of my favorite lines of the series. “Boone was a sacrifice that the Island demanded,” should go into the Dialog Hall of Fame. We love you, John Locke, and we left off with John in a mass grave, mortally wounded by Ben for being Jacob’s pet. And now let’s look back at a classic encounter with Ol’ Smokey…

The 100 Greatest Moments of Lost!

PART FOUR

25. Kate and Juliet face the Smoke Monster at the sonic fence in “Left Behind.” I think we all learned a lot from this scene. One of the A-team finally sees the Smoke Monster in all its glory. We know the monster will attack an Other. We know the sonic fence is a defense against it, perhaps the only reason for the fence. And we also learned that Kate + Juliet + handcuffs + rain & mud + popping shoulder joints back into sockets = hot!

24. The Frozen Donkey Wheel. Ben will help John move the island by blowing a hole in the Orchid’s containment chamber, climbing down a ladder, through a tunnel and then turning an ancient-looking ice-covered wheel. Millions of theories about the Polar Bears being trained to turn the wheel are born.

23. Sayid confronting ‘Henry Gale’ in Lockdown. “It was all there, your whole story, your alibi, it was all true. But still, I did not believe it to be true. So I dug up that grave. And found that there was not a woman inside, there was a man. a man named Henry Gale.” Fuck Yeah, Sayid! This is possibly my favorite Sayid line in the whole series. Marco and I often joke that the writers must continuously contrive ways to separate Sayid from the other Castaways, because if he was there for a lot of these other moments, the show would have only lasted a season, he’s that fucking competent.

22. Keamy executes Alex. You never saw this coming. There are tons of action and drama shows where somebody’s got a gun to a family member’s head, and the relative always relents rather than let the other person die. Always. Except on Lost. Not only did Ben not relent, he disavows Alex as she pleads for mercy, and Keamy actually pulls the trigger, killing a teenage girl on primetime TV. Shocking, tragic, riveting.

21. The hidden map. “Lockdown” was one of Lost’s classic game-changer episodes, and nothing got more buzz than the map. Entertainment Weekly did a whole spread on it in their next issue, enhancing and translating all the tantalizing latin clues, references to Cerberus, the Sickness and other hatches painted all over the blast door.

20. Sawyer slaps Faraday in “Because You Left.” Not only do we get a passible scientific explanation of the time-jumping from Faraday, we get: “Shut it, Ginger, or you’re getting one too!” Nobody talks down to Sawyer. Plus, there’s just something hypnotic about Jeremy Davies’s stilted, hazy delivery as Faraday explaining Science.

19. The Incident. We heard about it way back in Season2, and it didn’t disappoint. Jack had a bomb…

and Juliet was determined to set it off, leaving us with the most wide-open cliffhanger ever. Literally anything could happen in Season 6 at this point.

18. Walt is kidnapped from the raft in Exodus, pt 3. A classic “out of the frying pan and into the fire” moment. Just when the raft folks think they’ve found rescue, they get Mr. Friendly and “Only the thing is, we gonna have to take the boy.” WALLLLLTT!!!

17. It’s Locke in the casket. This secret was so big the producers filmed a fake take with Desmond in the casket, just in case. After seeing everything that happened in between, it makes perfect sense for Jack to attempt suicide after learning of John’s death. They were philosophical opposites, but they needed each other.

16. Sayid shoots little Ben. I bought Marco a shirt that says “Guns don’t kill children, Sayid does!” This was the ultimate question, can they really change the timeline? Apparently not in this way. Sayid is faced with the decision you often hear about in hypothetical: “if you could go back in time to kill someone evil when they were still a child and innocent, in order to prevent future suffering, would you? Should you?” Sayid makes the choice only men like he are capable of making. But as Faraday warned, “whatever happened, happened.”

15. The sky turns purple in “Live Together, Die Alone.” We all wondered what would happen if the button didn’t get pushed. The answer: it’s not just a psychological experiment. Desmond finally finds his courage and turns the failsafe key, turning the sky purple and imploding the hatch. Des would never be the same afterward, communication was apparently cut-off from the mainland at this point, and the magnetic disturbance was enough to point Penny’s search team in the right direction.

14. Ben summons the monster. How epic was “The Shape of Things to Come?” It’s all over this list. Among the many, many shocking moments was the reveal that Benjamin Linus apparently has the power to summon the monster. Smoky shows up in all it’s terrifying glory and makes quick work of Keamy and his men. The monster, much like Enoch Root, remains a mystery, but it’s always awesome when he makes an appearance.

13. The Island disappears in “There’s No Place Like Home.” When Ben said he’d move the Island, he wasn’t kidding. With a flash of light, boom, it’s gone, nothing but a ripple in the ocean where it used to be. The writing in this episode was so crafty, not only was the disappearance amazing, it took away the only land mass for Lapidus to land the helicopter on, causing them to crash.

12. Jacob and the dark man have a chat on the beach in “The Incident, pt 1.” The music is excellent in this scene, so foreboding and mysterious. Unlooked for, the season 5 finale stuns us by starting off with an introduction to Jacob and his dark opposite. The scene crackles with hidden allegorical meaning. “It always ends the same.” ”It only ends once. Everything else is… just progress.” Not often you get a primetime network TV show that encourages its viewers to contemplate the great mysteries of life. We’re all better for it.

11. Locke in the wheelchair in “Walkabout.” This reveal was so good we took it out of the flashback moments. Lost’s Pilot episode was perhaps the best pilot ever, but it was “Walkabout,” and the revelation that Locke was paralyzed before the crash, that took the show to the next level. “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!” shouts John, nicely establishing his key character trait: the belief that his is destined to do great things. When we saw John in his wheelchair, we knew this show was something special.

Up next, the top 10 greatest moments of Lost (though we suspect Season 6 will have something to say about this before it’s all over with.)