Too soon.

picture from here.

Just out of curiosity: Is the shortened final season of 30 Rock coming back in the fall, or as a mid-season thing again?

Also, hopefully they’ll get Jon Hamm (or Matt Damon) back for at least an episode, right?

A planet called America, part two.

This morning I walked into work and said something to one of my co-workers along the lines of, “So, is your life any better now that Osama is dead?” She looked at me said, “OMG, the President is dead?” And I said, “Huh? What? No. NO. Osama. Bin Laden!” And then she squinted, looked at me curiously, and said, “What the fuck are you talking about?” Just then another co-worker held up the front page of the newspaper which had a huge picture of the deceased terrorist mastermind on it and a massive headline that said “BIN LADEN DEAD.” Or maybe it said “BIN LADEN KILLED.” Honestly, I can’t remember anymore. But the headline was huge.

from here.

A week ago I said to a friend: “Dealing with your enemies is simple and easy. The best way to combat them is to simply make friends with them. Make friends with them so hard that it hurts.”

It’s so weird to me still that one of the time I felt most unified with this crazy, amazing, fucked up country was on 9/11. The wost metaphor I could use here would be: It’s like that girlfriend, the one who’s really fucking amazing, if a little weird, and way too good for you, and you just treat her like shit. She should really quit you and your bullshit. You just don’t appreciate her and for some reason she just won’t leave you. And you don’t realize how important she really is to you until someone else threatens here. Some clarity only comes to us on the precipice of great and terrible disaster. Life is funny like that.

Part of me is glad that Bin Laden wasn’t captured and forced to answer for his crimes to us and to the world in person, though I would have wanted that, of course. Part of me was glad to hear that this was finally over, that everyone who had been wounded by the tragedies that seemed to be dialed up at this man’s fingertips can now crawl just one more inch ever so slowly and painfully into the past. I wouldn’t really call this “justice “though because, well, there is no such thing as justice. Scales aren’t balanced because Bin Laden is dead. His life will never ever begin to be equal in worth to those lost on 9/11 or those who have put on an military uniform and defended a certain set of ideals and beliefs that we all take for granted every single minute. America is a brilliant, beautiful idea, but not a perfect one, and it can be hurt and it can be dented, but it’ll always be stronger than some cheap thug, no matter where he lives, no matter what he looks like, no matter what he worships. It can only be killed by those who give up on the idea, or who sell it out bit by bit in the name of “freedom.”

from here.

The death of what we consider to be an evil man on the other side of the world doesn’t bring back all those special people that we lost but hopefully it helps some people to breathe easier. Hopefully it reminds us why those people were special to us and hopefully we never forget what they meant to us. I’d like to say that hopefully it makes us appreciate each moment we have on this planet all that much more, but we should’ve been doing that long before now, and of course should continue doing that to the moment we draw our last breath. Hopefully someone like Bin Laden will never ever come close to challenging that idea every again.

I’ll admit to being conflicted or just confused about this news and how I should be feeling, but I’m lucky. Lucky to be here, lucky to be typing this in the land of the free, home of the brave. I’m lucky that I didn’t lose anyone ten years ago on that strange September day or in the fights and wars that followed. Who Osama Bin Laden is and what all of this means is something for you to decide. I can tell you that I don’t view this man’s death as closure, but honestly, I won’t look down on anyone who gets it from this news.

Thank you, mom. Thank you, God. Thank you, Barack Obama. Thank you, Donald Trump (with your stupid ass hair and head full of shit). Thank you, Pakistan. Thank you, India! Thank you, everyone who’s ever stood up for what they believed in and put that belief above themselves. Thank you, Bill Murray. Thank you, internet jokesters and “expert thinkers.” Thank you, Doctor Who. Thank you to the moon and to The Onion, both. Thank you, mainstream media. Thank you, “Mission Accomplished.” Thank you, those who agree with me, and thank you to those who would never agree with me in a million years. Thank you, Jack Donaghy, and thank you, Condoleezza Rice and thank you, Margaret Cho (for guest starring on 30 Rock). Thank you, strange new/old world that has such people in it. Thank you, post-Now. Thank you to everyone who thinks this matters and everyone who knows that it really doesn’t. Thank you to all those who never forget and especially thank you to those who are doomed to remember.

I saw this picture posted on the internet a little while ago…

…and I had a might good chuckle.

The terrorists are always winning. And the terrorists are always losing. And the battle will keep raging and hopefully we’ll never forget what we’re fighting for or who we should actually be fighting.

It’s doesn’t even matter that Superman’s no longer an American citizen or that The Rock had the #1 movie at the box office this weekend AND knew that Osama was dead before you did because…

Well, because the story’s not over and the dream is never ending.

And like PKD said, Maybe the Empire never ended?

Like fake MLK said, “I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy.”

It’s been over 24 hours now and tonight when I go to bed I’ll be thinking the same thing I was thinking last night, “Okay, so Osama’s dead. And what will tomorrow look like?”

The suburb of the soul.

Mad linkage:

Who is Arcade Fire?!

It seems like the theme of Sunday’s Grammys were “I don’t know who this person is.”

The most British movie ever.

The oral history of Party Down.

The Machinist‘s Brad Anderson to adapt J.G. Ballard’s Concrete Island, starring Christian Bale.

Robots to get their own internet.

You can buy the new Radiohead album this Saturday!

PLAY The Great Gatsby for NES.

Sex, drugs, and cannibalism: the Chilean miners’ story.

Fuck Yeah Lady Writers.

Hello! And RIP Uncle Leo.

House group proposes shifting Earth science funds to manned spaceflight.

This guy will buy you breakfast if you can explain Lost to him.

The science of heartlessness.

Michel Gondry is adapting Philip K. Dick’s Ubik.

from here.

Michael Moorcock on J. G. Ballard.

Sarah Jessica Parker wants to do a Sex And The City 3 and she wants to do it just for Benjamin Light.

What makes black holes so black?

Crystal Renn addresses her weight loss and maintaining plus-size model status.

The Criterion Collection is on Hulu Plus (and so is your mom).

Americans know so little about the bible.

James Van Der Beek to play himself on an ABC sitcom. Seriously.

Also: Aaron Sorkin to guest as himself on 30 Rock.

“We live in a world ruled by fictions of every kind — mass merchandising, advertising, politics conducted as a branch of advertising, the instant translation of science and technology into popular imagery, the increasing blurring and intermingling of identities within the realm of consumer goods, the preempting of any free or original imaginative response to experience by the television screen. We live inside an enormous novel. For the writer in particular it is less and less necessary for him to invent the fictional content of his novel. The fiction is already there. The writer’s task is to invent the reality.”

-J. G. Ballard

The sun unleashed a huge solar flare towards the Earth.

CBS News’ Lara Logan hospitalized after sexual assault in Egypt.

Living towers made of humans.

Hans Zimmer promises that the score for The Dark Knight Rises will be both “epic” and “iconic.”

Also, 1 in 5 films coming out in 2011 will be sequels.

Click here to see the beginning of something wonderful.

Natalie Portman cries a lot.

Who makes shittier movies, Guy Ritchie or Zack Snyder?

by Jason Brockert, from here.

Pakistan issues arrest warrent for Pervez Musharraf.

Whatcha thinkin’ about?

There’s a DuckTales comic coming out. How awesome is that?

Twitter, translations, and the new geopolitics.

The Onion’s AV Club interviews PJ Harvey.

Look at the trailer for this Dead Island game. I know nothing about this game, but based on this trailer, I want to play the fuck out of it.

Why the Oscars snubbed Christopher Nolan.

You rock, rock.

from here.

Why I want to fuck J. G. Ballard.

Maria Bello a reasonable replacement for Helen Mirren in the unnecessary remake of Prime Suspect?

An underground village in France where people lived for hundreds of years.

Jeff Mangum is touring.

Billy Ray Cyrus blames the Devil and David Lynch for his problems.

Facebook’s growing web of frenemies.

Justina Bieber doesn’t believe in abortions, even in the case of rape. Man… whatever.

from here.

Michael Emerson to star in Person Of Interest, the CBS pilot from J.J. Abrams and Jonah Nolan about predicting/fighting future crime.

Pitchfork gave the new Mogwai album a 6.6.

Top 10 famous people who didn’t actually exist.

Donnie Darko‘s Richard Kelly to do a normal, traditional thriller next.

What would Hüsker Dü?

There’s a campaign to replace the N-word in Huckleberry Finn with “robot.”

“I would sum up my fear about the future in one word: boring. And that’s my one fear: that everything has happened; nothing exciting or new or interesting is ever going to happen again … the future is just going to be a vast, conforming suburb of the soul.”

-J. G. Ballard

I like and respect Jill Thompson’s visual take on Wonder Woman.

Speaking of which, Adrianne Palicki is the new Wonder Woman (in that David E. Kelley TV pilot).

…and here is the audition tape for Tanit Phoenix, who didn’t get the role, that shows how obsessed the pilot script seems to be with breasts.

Iain Sinclair on J.G. Ballard’s favorite artwork.

The underage cast of MTV’s Skins pose in their skimpies in Elle. Now go crazy, people.

The age of consent around the world.

The businessmen drink my blood just like the kids in art school said they would…”

The guy who was raised by cats.

01/11/11.

from here.

From the internet:

Anthropomorphic cannibalism.

The difference between the US version of Skins and the UK version of Skins.

How to use eHOW to turn yourself into a comedic force to be reckoned with.

Brooklyn style, bitch!”

Bond is back.

by Kelly Reemtsen, from here.

The Day The Universe Came and other incredibly amazing and erotic pulp science fiction book covers.

The afterlife of David Foster Wallace.

What really happened to Endor when they ganked the Death Star?

Hark! A Vagrant and Nancy Drew.

from here.

Twitter’s response to the WikiLeaks subpoena should be the industry standard.

FYI: The Prisoner is probably still my favorite show ever.

Meg Ryan and John (Cougar!) Mellencamp are dating and that’s a little too much for me to handle this early in the new year.

Kepler spacecraft finds hot, distant planet.

An infographic history of the Batmobile.

via Boing Boing.

Mona Lisa landscape mystery finally “solved.”

People can build bombs out of anything. Including vibrators.

The Counterforce post with the best pictures.

Myspace cuts half it’s staff in half.

Here’s 12 ways to spot a cheat.

Literal New Yorker cartoon captions.

What would Jesus do about sex trafficking?

There’s going to be another Neil LaBute movie, this time starring Brendan Fraser.

Did Kanye steal Dr. Dog’s music video?

Also, Kanye got his album cover banned on purpose. Sigh.

Atmosphere’s self-cleaning capacity surprisingly stable.

I really like this mash up between Doctor Who and Dr. Seuss.

Ghostbusters meets Inception.

The eurotrash and their monetary destiny.

The ALA’s Youth Media Award winners.

The 50 best comic book covers of 2010.

Grant Morrison’s 2002 performance piece for Steve Cook.

Charlize Theron to star in Ridley Scott’s Alien prequel?

Visualizing the deletion process on Wikipedia.

Interesting photos: The photo that Anna Wintour famously axed from Vogue and Wastelands by Dan Dubowitz.

Climate change to last a millennium. Deal with it.

NASA called 2012 the most flawed sci fi film ever.

Transcending the human, DIY style.

from here.

Gentleman’s intermission.

from here.

Four new/upcoming movies presented with practically no comment…

1. Hall Pass.

Coming out in early 2011, directed by the Farrelly brothers (Jesus, remember them?), and starring Owen Wilson, SNL’s Jason Sudeikis, Jenna Fischer, Christina Applegate, Alyssa Milano, Vanessa Angel, Joy Behar, and Stephen Merchant. Your new ridiculous phrase: “monogamy time out.” Brilliant.

2. The appropriately titled Friends With Benefits.

Due to be released in the middle of next year and starring Justin Timberlake, Mila Kunis, Emma Stone (one of the current new It Girls), Woody Harrelson, and Patricia Clarkson.

Oh, and I just noticed that the red band trailer is now online.

Not to be confused with the mid-season replacement TV show starring Ryan Hansen from Party Down.

3. The Freebie.

The only non “romantic comedy” in the traditional sense on this list, but something from the mumblecore school, starring Dax Shepard and writer/director Katie Aselton. You can find a short scene from the film here.

4. No Strings Attached.

Directed by Ivan Reitman and starring Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. Talk about beauty and the I don’t give a shit about watching this guy. Also featuring Olivia Thirlby, Greta Gerwig, Cary Elwes, Mindy Kaling, and Ludacris.

Is this a hip and interesting trend in movies, one that you are desperate to see?

from here.

And, Hollywood, if you’re out there, I totally have an idea for a screenplay combining your love of hip and naughty things that young people do such as FWBing that also combines your other favorite topics of over-saturation (example: time travel and vampires). Just give me a call and write me a check and we’ll print up some money.

The patient labyrinth.

Mad linkage:

Are “masters of the universe” born or bred?

Weezer offered $10 million to split up.

Natalie Portman to offer “gratuitous nudity” in what is not but certainly sounds like it would be a sequel to Pineapple Express.

(But that still doesn’t tell us who she’s fucking these days, does it?)

The musical farewell to Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse.

from here.

Angelina Jolie’s Bosnian rape romance.

The 17 differences between the East Coast and West Coast versions of the live 30 Rock episode.

Making sense of The Shallows.

Aaron Sorkin responds to a blog commenter about The Social Network‘s misogyny.

Best Coast and Deerhoof to guest on the new Go! Team album.

Who is the biggest drunk on Mad Men?

Look at this fucking article about hipsters.

“A man sets out to draw the world. As the years go by, he peoples a space with images of provinces, kingdoms, mountains, bays, ships, islands, fishes, rooms, instruments, stars, horses, and individuals. A short time before he dies, he discovers that the patient labyrinth of lines traces the lineaments of his own face.”

-Jorge Luis Borges, from Dreamtigers.

The Soviets’ secret, failed moon program.

Those lovable scamps in ICP are actually hardcore Christians. Whatever.

Brett Ratner and Eddie Murphy.

Remember the Singularity? Shocking news: It may not be coming after all.

You have the right to go topless.

Don’t forget that Mad Men‘s season finale is tomorrow night!

from here.

The power of the babe.

A reminder that those World Of Warcraft nerds are still fucking perverts.

One-way mirrors and social media “stalking.”

Of course one of the 33 Chilean miners was having an affair!

A Mars Supreme!

Hollywood needs to turn towards Warren Ellis and Grant Morrison.

The ballad of Mick and Keith.

I want to go there.

Yesterday was 23 things and today it’ll be shorter, though not necessarily sweeter, with a mere five things…

1. This:

from here.

Oh, that Nic Cage. Amazing and strange as usual. And totally an animal lover.

2. Molly Lambert’s piece about Tina Fey/Jon Hamm on This Recording today. It’s a wonderful, honed bit on comedians and characters and gender politics and objectification, and it’s brilliant. And aside from that, as she frequently is, so is Molly Lambert, who stands out amongst most internet writers for me in that she writes in quick bursts of sharp, insightful thought on a subject, but also survives in the long form where as so many other writers on the interwebz only seem to generate a few decent pull quotes to be linked to and reblogged ad nauseam. She tackles issues both old and new in a fresh way, in a smart way but one that’s also accessible to all the various levels of the hoi polloi, and she has that quality that you loathsomely envy: She writes in a way that feels like it’s resonating both with the thoughts you had on an issue, but are always worded better through her view on the matter, or, more honestly, she says the things you wish you were thinking/saying.

3. Praising Molly Lambert isn’t exactly a new thing, nor should it be, but the post about Jon Hamm/Tina Fey/Don Draper/Liz Lemon is really that good. And I love that it tackles how weird these characters are in so many ways, but refreshingly weird, but also that these are sex symbols for smart people, or for anyone with eyes, sure, but also for us sapiosexuals in the audience as well.

And she mentions something that I’ve never thought of before, but the idea that masculinity is basically a performance, not just between “bros,” I wouldn’t think, but in general. All the world’s a stage, I suppose, and all the men and women on that stage are players in a game of some sort. Especially those of us with the Y chromosome, which I feel. I mean, it’s not something I really considered before, though I kind of did, but now I really feel it. Never mind, that sounds stupid, but you get what I’m saying?

3A. Can we ever talk about just how fucking weird Jon Hamm the real life person seems? I kind of love the impression that I’ve gotten that he’s the exact opposite of Don Draper, not stupid (but more than a little dorky maybe)(but endearingly dorky, you know?), of course, but closer to his character on 30 Rock. Is Don Draper the ultimate vista to the wider landscape of manhood?

from here.

4. This article here from the BBC, about how scientists have made a breakthrough in “artificial life,” developing the world’s first synthetic living cell. I saw this at work today and shared it with this guy that comes in sometimes, my local atheist friend. He and I have bonded over the years over our hatred of intolerance towards scientific exploration and a favoring of antiquated notions like “organized religion” instead of advancement of all the wonderful aspects of the human race. This phenomenon reached something of a fever pitch during a particularly turbulent period in our country called “The Bush years.”

Anyway, so my atheist friend and I were talking about all of this as we tend to do and laughing and riffing on it and basically griping about how science (especially things dealing with like stem cells, for example) is held back or considered not interesting in America or, my favorite, the work of the Devil. We had a good laugh about that, talking about science as “the work of the Devil,” and because I have a vivid imagination, I literally imagined a guy who looks like this…

…in charge of a lab somewhere, ordering scientists around, approving budgets, and demanding more breakthroughs. “We’re trying to save them, but they refuse to see!” the Devil would say (as I said in my beast throaty demon voice), shaking his cloven hoof/fist angrily, and then they head into the break room to celebrate the birthday of one of the girls in the geophysics department, ha ha.

5. Today I had to make a nearly impossible decision, but also an incredibly mundane one. All the same, it was a tough one. It was the eternal debate of which movie to watch over my lunch break, and the choices came down to…

When Harry Met Sally vs. You’ve Got Mail. I know, I know. Fucking ridiculous, right?

But I do like them both. I appreciate them both. And, well, I kind of hate both as well. But I put it to you, gentle readers, before I say which one I picked, I’m a bit curious, which would you have picked? Metaphorically, the lady or the tiger?

Art imitating life imitating art.

For your consideration, this clip:

That’s James Franco from his recent turn in General Hospital. I wish I had time to watch soap operas because of that clip alone (which you’ll notice also features Marsha Thomason, who was Naomi in seasons 3, 4, and 5 of Lost) . It’s just so… weird. Wonderfully, fully weird in such a lively way. Everything about it is ridiculous and perfect and I highly suggest that you watch it. For some reason I couldn’t stop laughing at this line: “The woman in the photo is connected to an artist whose work I’ve come to admire,” and the delivery of it. Talk about a perfect combination of an actor with material, yes?

And how perfect is it that his character is simply named “Franco?”

Do you remember how bad Spiderman 3 was? If you said “No” to that, then I envy the fuck out of you. I’d rather watch my family die in a fire than watch that movie again… except for the roughly 20 minutes of the movie where James Franco’s Harry Osborn tries to get a soap opera revenge on Tobey Maguire’s Peter Parker through Kirsten Dunst’s Mary Jane Watson. That was like a lovely little gem of silly trash hidden deep in a pile of rotting shit set to showtunes.

Franco really is setting new heights for a dramatic actor of promise who’s made an equally impressive career out lampooning themselves brilliantly. I mean, this is a guy who’s played James Dean and Harvey Milk’s lover and also has done some tremendously hilarious stuff in the burgeoning new world of online comedic (viral) videos, as well as that perfect guest spot as himself in 30 Rock.

Never mind his college career and his interest in the performance art of Marina Abramović, which we linked to something about a few days ago, as well as others in the art community. And for every weird and highly varied thing he’s up to that I’ve mentioned here so far, there’s an equal number that I haven’t mentioned. Like, life imitating art, his upcoming art career.

Anyway, I remember hearing about James Franco doing a turn on General Hospital a few months ago and thinking that was genius after remembering that stuff from Spiderman 3, but I finally saw those clips today over at Tomorrow Museum when I saw the Mark Zuckerberg quote that I blogged about earlier.

The post there featuring James Franco is certainly an interesting one and has a great quote about Franco’s role on the soap opera…

…General Hospital’s “Franco” character is scripted like the writers have never met an artist, never gone to a gallery. It’s this fantasy element like the city itself. They might as well have dressed him in a beret and given him a French accent.

… and also contains this nice quote by China Miéville, the British author “Weird fiction,” which you find here:

The world is split into two different kinds of people. When I moved into my flat, we were having all our kitchen goods delivered. My then girlfriend got off the phone and said to me, “we need to stay in because the fridge men are coming.” The world is divided into those who hear that and think, “I need to be in because I’m having a kitchen delivery” and those who hear the word “fridge men” and immediately conceive of a kind of cyborg creature with a big open door in his chest and stopping arms and legs and kind of freezing demeanor—a fridge-man hybrid.

Beautiful. That quote is originally from here. And before we go, just a little more of James Franco on General Hospital, where he’s just doing the work of his career…

That’s A Dealbreaker, Ladies!

Ah, season finale week is almost coming to an end…

“You know, I don’t really like to define it, but it’s like Matchbox 20 meets The Fray…”

“You don’t grab these for balance.”

I don’t have any funny quotes from 30 Rock yet (though “You have sexually transmitted crazy mouth” and “There’s no such thing as bisexual, that’s just something they invented in the 90s to sell hair products” are both pretty good) because I’m just watching this week’s season finale of it now. At the start of the season, I was thinking that 30 Rock had really really upped it’s game this year and was better than The Office this season, but in the couple of weeks, The Office has really come back and gotten good. The finale this year was a little low key, but that’s not a bad thing. It’s kind of following along a pretty standard course for a show leaving it’s fifth year and about to go into it’s sixth year…

But Parks And Recreation on the other hand is doing pretty solid in my eyes. I think a lot of people have bailed on it now because it’s essentially a remix of The Office missing the early star crossed lovers storyline and Amy Poehler‘s Leslie Knope as a little less pathetically tragic Michael Scott, but I still like it. Here’s a pretty solid mini review of the show though that sums up my feelings exactly, particularly on how Rashida Jones is played as a saint and the Paul Schneider character is fairly sleazy but likable, but still kind of sleazy.

So, the TV season is slowly coming to an end… what were your favorite shows this year and which ones are you looking forward to next year?

Two players, two sides, one is light, one is dark…

Other than Lost, of course. And as for tomorrow…

The kind of trash that glows in the dark.

Red hot confession time: I, like a few of my fellow perverts here at the merry ol’ Counterforce, love trash. Not so much the people (dirtbags and trashy people aren’t always one and the same, though they probably poop in the same hole), and not always in our music, but otherwise in our pop culture? Hell yes. A trashy film or the occasional trashy TV is our wheelhouse. It’s our nasty little raison d’etre. It’s our thing that we love so much, we say, “I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.”

Well, for the most part.

Cruel Intentions:

Awesome stuff. Those liaisons just got a whole lot more dangerous, if you know what I mean.

Wild Things:

You can’t deny that this movie does what it does perfectly. You know what I’m talking about. And Matt Dillon is on a whole other level of professional sleaze (here and especially with his brilliant turn in There’s Something About Mary). And suck it, Doc Manhattan, because Kevin Bacon is the original unnecessary dangling penis cameo.

New Best Friend:

Never seen this movie? Well, of course you haven’t. This is the most B of B-trash, but look at this cast that surely has to regret they ever came near this thing: Dominique Swain (naturally), Mia Kirshner (naturally), Meredith Monroe (Andie from Dawson’s Creek), Oliver Hudson (eat a dick, Kate Hudson’s brother), Scott Bairstow (you too, Bairstow), and bizarrely, Taye Diggs slutting it up for a paycheck.

I promise you that the lesbian kiss theme is (mostly) unintentional.

You know what’s bizarrely just as good as the previously two mentioned super films (and as bad as New Best Friend)? Cruel Intentions 2, that’s what:

No bullshit there. Originally meant as the pilot for a Fox TV show to be entitled Manchester Prep that didn’t get picked up, a few scenes were re-shot and it was edited together (shades of Mulholland Drive) as  straight to DVD sequel (one of the first of many of it’s kind):

The original Roadhouse is brilliant 80s cinema exploding to life, the last gasp of a dying world on fire, and with The Swayze so damn near death, I highly recommend a viewing of this film for everyone who likes a good laugh, trashy good times, and high kicks (and who lives by a bizarre code of ethics). See it not as memento mori because of The Swayze, no, no, no. Instead view it as a brilliant viking funeral sailing into that blazing horizon of tomorrow. Or just go watch Point Break again. That movie is still the business.

This is just a fraction of my (and ours, but mostly mine, if we’re to be honest here) credentials on the glory of the trash cinema and broadcasting. But here’s my question for you, o fair reader: What’s the new shit?

Nip/Tuck:

…is still not bad, but the current season is almost over, and though there’s another season left in this plastic bitch, you can feel that it’s struggling to make it over the finish line. Forget going out with any relevance, I just want the show to end while it’s still pretty (fat chance of that though, I’m guessing). Also, bring back the Carver.

The new 90210:

…something tells me that this show isn’t so much trashy as just kind of dumb. Watered down for the watered down generation, I wonder? Perhaps. Also, let me ask you this: Is this show even still on?

The OC:

…believe it or not, I actually kind of miss this show. Well, actually, I can’t fully back up that statement.

Skins:

You’ve heard me go off on this show plenty, haven’t you? Well, it’s not plenty enough, let me tell you. The new season with the debut of a new cast kicked off a few weeks ago and while it’s initial legs were shaky, it’s getting to some good places. It’s a little goofier than the last series (goodbye pathos, hello twisted almost John Hughes-ian juvenile charm!), it’s got a certain freshness I’m enjoying. This is American ridiculous trash shows like Gossip Girl and Dawson’s Creek (and Canada’s mega monster Degrassi)(or even Edgemont, the adorable Degrassi clone) lit on fire and put out with MDMA and then fucked on top of while a rave is erected around it’s storylines.

Gossip Girl:

…I remember pounding out the first season of this show on DVD in a weekend and not loving it, but considering myself fairly invested. Then the second season started, I caught a few episodes, and slowly started to drift away from it like the continents. Or, maybe like a lover that I feel asleep on top of during the physical act of love, I don’t know. Maybe that one works better because, like a once cherished lover, I ponder from time to time, Is this show still good? And, Will it be canceled at the end of this season? I rely on you, o faithful reader, to provide me with much needed answers here.

Granted, trash comes in a great many shapes and forms and sizes and bizarre genre types, but that’s a little more of my credentials in the skeezy teen “drama” market. That’s what I’m referring to in particular, if you haven’t guessed yet. Quick, let’s do a little time travel…

Hidden Palms:

Remember this show? No, of course you don’t. This Kevin Williamson corpse (which actually started Amber Heard before Pineapple Express and All The Boys Love Mandy Lane)(and also that villainous douche Oliver from The OC is the star, ugh) only lasted a few episodes on TV and was actually canceled right before the last episode, in which answers were to be provided to the show’s big mystery suicide blah blah blah. Sadly, I watched every episode of this show and you want to know why? Because I fucking hate myself as a person. Clearly.

Young Americans:

Why did I watch this show? See above. Though, sadly, my comrade Benjamin Light saw more of this than me, but then again, he was aided by the glory days of Mighty Big TV to get through it. This show also featured every straight girl’s secret (and sometimes not so secret) lesbian crush, Kate Moening.

Swans Crossing:

This stupid piece of afternoon teen soap was the first time I ever laid eyes on Sarah Michelle Gellar (and we’re talking 3 whole months back in the halcyon days of Bill Clinton, baby: 1992!) and let me tell ya, it was love at first fucking sight (her co-stars here were Mira Sorvino, Brittany Daniel, and the douche who went on to star in Airborne). This was before she went on to snatch a daytime Emmy away from Susan Lucci (which is seemingly not that hard cause, I mean, shit, even I have a daytime Emmy) in All My Children, and before she went on to become the definitive Buffy the Vampire Slayer (sorry, Kristy Swanson, you were hot an all, but let’s face faces here: You fucked Alan Thicke) and firmly cemented that my tiny little heart was hers. Of course, then she went on to marry Freddie Prinze, Jr. and show me that not only did she not desire a potential mate to be talented, but that love was fickle and I would be alone forever. Anyways…

Enough about me and the tortured love affairs of my youth.

So, I put it to you, since you are the new scum, to tell me, if you please, what is the new dirt? What is the new trash? Granted, I could probably just go and discover Valley Of The Dolls or something. Or, even better, Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls, which Roger Ebert (from who the title of this post came from thanks to his review of Wild Things) co-wrote with Russ Meyers. I could do that, but I really don’t want to. Give me something new. And don’t suggest The Hills or The City to me or I will bite your jugular out. Talk to me!