Tag Archives: Michael Bay

Either/Or.

Posted by Marco Sparks on

Mad linkage:

The important new dynamic in modern human communication.

The first image (fucking finally) from Joss Whedon/Drew Goddard’s Cabin In The Woods.

Are wide male faces a predictor for unethical behavior?

James Spader is joining The Office, but not as the boss, not for long.

Zadie Smith turning to speculative fiction and sci fi.

Infidelity might just keep us together.

Spike Lee to direct the American remake of Oldboy?

Above: Katie West summer print sale.

An oral history of Explosions In The Sky.

Antonia Fraser and Harold Pinter.

The paradox that was G. K. Chesteron.

Don’t let them cut off your balls, boys.

At least Glenn Beck is gone from the airwaves.

An oral history of Michael Fucking Bay.

9 steps to foolproof outdoor sex.

“In addition to my other numerous acquaintances, I have one more intimate confidant…. My depression is the most faithful mistress I have known—no wonder, then, that I return the love. “

-Søren Kierkegaard

Harry Potter’s favorite magic potion is booze.

Speaking of which, some of your favorite fast food chains are now serving alcohol.

Also, the “experts” are now saying that some “light drinking” may be “safe” while you’re pregnant.

And: An oral history of the Harry Potter film series.

The evils of “like” culture.

“All I want is to have incredibly violent sex.”

from here.

Massive amounts of cheating discovered in Atlanta public schools.

Topless sunbathing in the bit city.

How Charlotte’s Web was conceived.

The perfect penis.

Alfred Hitchcock recalls working with Salvador Dali.

“You are a computer salesman – I am fucking JAMES BOND.”

Ours might not be a holographic universe after all :(

Harbingers

Posted by Benjamin Light on

As you may have gathered from some of my past writing, I’m a big Neal Stephenson fan. He is one of my favorite authors. I was discussing with Marco the other day how when reading, say, the fifth Harry Potter book,  it felt like Rowling’s editor needed to step in and convince JK to tighten it up a bit. But with Stephenson, even when he’s plowing into a chapter-long tangent, you don’t mind, because he takes you interesting places. That’s not to say that Rowling is not a talented writer, but the voice that Stephenson writes with is just on a different, more stylistic level. His sometimes indulgent asides are what make him so much fun.

I’d like to talk about a concept of punishment he puts forth in his novel Anathem. It’s called the Book. A brief primer: Anathem takes place in a world similar to our own, but where scholars live a quasi-monastic life of simple means behind the walls of big stone concents, cut off from the rest of society for a period of one, ten, 100 or 1000 years. This separation allows the “avout,” as they are called, to dedicate their lives to scholarly work without distraction or interruption. While there are your typical chores and kitchen duty that can be assigned to reprimand bad behavior, there is also the Book. When an avout needs sterner discipline, the administrators can “throw the Book” at them.

The idea of the Book, as the main character Erasmas explains it, is to punish the mind of the wayward avout. It’s 12 chapters long, filled with inane, inaccurate and possibly insane content that must be memorized and tested against. Imagine a mathematician being forced to learn and apply false proofs, or a writer who must memorize incorrect definitions. The Book is designed to poison the mind, taking a sledgehammer to the foundations of an avout’s critical thinking and logical faculties. And each chapter is exponentially harder than the one before. In the novel, it’s said that only 3 men ever completed all 12 chapters, which took a lifetime, and they were all thoroughly insane when they finished. That the avout have dedicated themselves to learning makes it all the more heinous a punishment to them, as they are forced to corrupt their minds and waste their time working counter to their own life’s work.

One example Erasmas gives is a chapter full of nursery rhymes that almost, but do not quite rhyme. Another is five pages of the digits of Pi. In the novel, he is assigned the first five chapters as penance, which takes him several weeks to complete. And the idea is that, if you get in trouble again, you could get assigned even more. It is suggested that going higher can permanently damage one’s ability to process and organize information effectively.

I mention all this as prelude to my latest movie review:

this is the end, my friend

Surely, if the Book were real, Chapter 6 would be the shooting script to Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon. And the less said further the better.

–Benjie

The year in pictures, part two.

Posted by Marco Sparks on

Almost there. Not quite yet though…

But, man, what a frustrating year.

I felt like Tyler Coates‘ picture here summed up what my attitude was going into this year. And what all of our attitudes should’ve been. As it always should be.

And now Alec Baldwin sums up how I felt about this year.

Though this year has brought some things that I desperately wanted to see.

Or never thought I would see (all together in the same club).

Or things that I would be okay never seeing again.

And some things, things from my childhood, came to an end.

Some things, I think, I realized I was glad to see go.

And it really hit me in this past year that some things will not last forever.

And some of those things are through. Professionally, I mean.

Oh well. Shit happens. Things come. And things go.

And they keep going.

It’s all about perspective.

Isn’t that what they say?

This was the year of hope.

This was the year of rejections.

This was the year of saying that you wanted a revolution.

And it was also the year where you said, “Could you try not to rub your beard up against my forest of tears?”

It was about new things.

And new things to regret (in the morning)(probably)(but hopefully not).

It was, for me, the year I just accepted the often hellish, nonstop barrage of celebrity bullshit.

…Especially in the face of weird hookups that I just can’t condone.

And seeing things I loved shat upon.

But these things happen.

We hold onto the good.

And let go of the bad.

Time to dust yourself off.

Maybe you’ve learned some things. About life, the world, and yourself.

And made some decisions.

And had some fun.

But just remember…

It’s easy to ride off into the sunset.

It’s hard to still be there when the sun rises. But that’s where the true excitement and the fun lay.

Hopefully we’ll see you there.

from here.

Adolf Hitler and the things from Hell.

Posted by Marco Sparks on

“Is it me or does like every Nazi want to clone Hitler?”

Mad Men wasn’t the only fantastic bit of TV on Sunday night. Thankfully we had the fourth season premiere of brilliant Johnny Quest riff that is Adult Swim’s The Venture Bros. to put us to bed.

from here.

I feel like this show, which seems to only get more colorfully brilliant and more fun by the moment, is still criminally unheard of and even more of a shame, I wouldn’t even know how to begin to distill the Sunday episode, entitled “Blood Of The Father, Heart Of Steel” into easy to digest soundnuggets for you.

It wasn’t exactly the easiest jumping on point in a narrative with about 20 of it’s recurring characters making apperances, and in fact, it was considered pretty confusing by quite a few of the long time fans because of it’s breakneck pace, it’s nonlinear storytelling method, and the fact that it asks you to just hold on and stay with it. Patience and intelligence are rewarded handsomely.

For any out there confused by the episode, which you can view on the Adult Swim website thankfully, I’ll just say that the somewhat Memento-esque structure is easy to follow once you hear Henchman 24′s line about the monetary value and CGC rating of his issue of Marvel Comics #1 (you can follow the ratings/value and title cards from there) and just remember: All the Brock stuff moves forward in time.

Because Brock always keep moving forward, like a shark, but on land. Or, more like a Swedish murder machine.

But some highlights: Brock Sampson, the mulleted bodyguard of the Venture twins makes good on his decision to quit, but a nasty bit of shrapnel derails his plans for revenge. Dr. Venture, meanwhile, has to find himself a new bodyguard and settles for the new “socially adjusted” Sgt. Hatred. Hank and Dean, now sans their clone safety nets are starting to grow up, and change their appearances. “I am full on Charles In Charge of you!” Bigfoot and the Six Million Dollar Man are big on art therapy. OSI is operating on the invisible man in their helicarrier and there’s more than meets the eye going on with Molotov Cocktail and the newly female Hunter Gathers. Oh, and a bunch of Nazis have somehow put the evil spirit of their fuhrer into the body of a pitbull.

“I can cross ‘Stab Hitler to death’ off my list of cool crap I thought I’d never get to do.”

Unrelated, while I was very much against it originally, having finally just watched Sam Raimi’s Drag Me To Hell, I have to say that a sick part of me absolutely loved it. This is old school Raimi, free from the campy musical theater soap opera hijinks that the Spiderman series faded into and back into just plain campy horror and gross fluids mode. And speaking of gross fluids, I have never before (outside of porn) seen a movie with such an oral fixation. Any and all chances to put something disgusting into the lovely Alison Lohman’s mouth are happily pounced upon.

That, or tearing her hair out, literally and figuratively.

You can always tell that Raimi the filmmaker is happiest when he’s literally torturing his “protagonists,” who, if you look back at his oeuvre, I think you’ll find he’s always least fond of.

Thankfully, it’s not just B-horror porn about gypsy curses and fiendish demons from Hell, especially when you take into account the very subtle thread (or maybe not so subtle) dealing with food and the fear of it.

Supposedly Raimi is going to take his newfound creative juice (and critical success) from Drag Me To Hell into the upcoming Spiderman 4, taking the series “back to basics.” Personally, I have to wonder: Who really gives a shit? But even still, it’s always nice to see where an excited director can go with themselves.

Speaking of excited directors who may or may not be in league with the infernal…

You should totally wish Benjamin Light a happy birthday today, especially since he’s so lucky to have been born on the same day that the new Transformers movie would come out on DVD. You just know he couldn’t be more thrilled.

Gone to the movies…

Posted by Marco Sparks on

In the men’s room of the cinema beforehand, for a pre-movie evacuation when two kids, probably around 10 or 11ish, and the bemused dad who accompanied them walk in and take up all the urinals directly around them.

Kid #1: OH MAN, that was so awesome. The way he killed The Fallen. RIGHT?!

Kid #2: YES! OMG YES!

Kid #1: Yes. But I wonder if he’s really dead.

Kid #2: The Fallen? Yeah, the way he killed him? Awesome. Totally dead.

Kid #1: Unless there’s a third one. Do you think there’ll be a third one?

Kid #2: OF COURSE there’ll be a third one. That was SO GOOD. Better than the first!

Kid #1: So you think he’s not dead then?

Kid #2: Who?

Bemused dad: I don’t think there’s enough explosives left in the world to make another one of those movies, guys.

The kids ignore him, go to wash their hands.

Bemused dad (continuing, presumably to me, since he started staring at me): That might be the cure to all the troubles of the world, right? Take all our explosives and destructive weapons and give them to Hollywood to fight computer alien robots, right?

I just shrug, then go over to wash my hands. I use soap, the kids at the sinks next to me, however, do not.

Kid #1: Man, I want to get high later.

Kid #2: Yeah, me too. You think this guy (gestures to me) could sell us drugs?

I leave in a hurry.

And then: I decide, Fuck it, I’ll get some popcorn, and I go and get in line. Me and this group of two girls are both angling for the same slot and get there at the exact time. I decide that, even though my movie starts in less than 3 minutes, I’ll be a nice guy and let them go first. I start to drift back when…

Girl: Fuck this guy. He needs to move.

I hear that and decide, Okay, chivalry’s out the door. I’m gonna get some popcorn. These girls can wait.

Girl: Hey ASSHOLE!

I hear that and just smile.

Girl: Don’t smile. I’m talking to you!

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, are you talking to me?

Girl: Yes!

Me: Okay.

And I turn back to the dude behind the counter and order what I want.

Girl: HEY!

Me: Yes?

Girl: You should’ve let me in front of you.

Me: And why is that?

Girl: Because I’m hotter than you!

Me: What?

Girl: I am! I’m hotter than you. You should’ve given up your spot in line for me.

Me: What?

The girl continues on but I decide to save everyone a little trouble and cut her off, then…

Me: Okay, listen up. You’re like 13. You’re not hotter than anyone. Fuck off.

The girl is shocked, but eventually goes and gets into another spot in the line to get popcorn/sodas/milk duds/whatever.

Guy behind the counter: Dude, she was hot.

Me: Dude, she was 13. Actually, you know what? I’m not even going to debate this with you. What do my popcorn and soda cost?

Guy behind the counter: 15 bucks.

Me: What?!

So, after a time, I get into the theater and the movie starts. The movie, by the way is the new Harry Potter movie. Don’t judge me. I went with my mama, who loves them, and we’ve seen them all together. I don’t know anything about the books other than what I can ween off the wikipedia, but you could tell that much was sacrificed to continue the ongoing story in this film, which just feels daunting knowing that there’s at least two more films to go in this series.

Also, poor Emma Watson, who is usually one of the most delightful part of these movies, is barely in this one. And that red headed kid who got the swine flu? He looks like swine flu.

Earlier in the day, I had been in line to buy the tickets for the showing we were going to see and the line at the box office was long. In front of me was a couple that were on a first date.

Girl: So, when did you first realize you wanted to ask me out?

Guy: It was a synergy thing, actually.

Girl: What’s that mean?

Guy: Synergy is when two things-

Girl: No, I know what synergy is. What was the synergy thing?

Guy: Oh, oh, sorry. What I meant was, I knew we had to go out at the time I realized, “Hey, I haven’t seen the new Transformers movie yet,” you know?

Girl: Right.

Guy: The movie just looks so good, right? Just soooo good.

On the inside I’m thinking to myself, “Come on, man. Tell her that she looks good too!” Alas, he does not.

Girl: Yeah, sure. I barely remember the first one.

Guy: So where do you want to eat after this?

This is the question I pose to you, ladies and gentlemen: Do you really want to fuck somebody who actually really wants to go see Transformers 2? And because they think it looks good too?

Then again, you’ll notice that I’m careful not to ask if you’d want to fuck a guy who went to see the Harry Potter movie.

Get to know the real me!

Posted by Conrad Noir on

TAKE A PEAK INTO MY WORLD!

or

SHIT THAT I HAVE POSTED ON MY TUMBLR PREVIOUSLY AND WILL NOW AGAIN POST HERE BECAUSE IT AMUSES ME AND THERE IS NO ONE TO FUCKING STOP ME.

by your pal, Conrad Noir.

And: my tumblarity is shit right now and that displeases me. Fuck tumblarity. Speaking of which…

Uh huh.

Just a few things I dig:

1. Lisa Bonet in Angel Heart. Hell yeah.

2. Motherfuckin’ popsicles.

3. Bjork!

4. Cash!

5. Metal album covers. Just look at that shit. Yngwie Malmsteen was a fucking douchebag, but just look at that album cover. It gets me hard. There’s enough metal there to build a fortress!

6. Holistic cures for insomnia.

7. Music that sounds like cunnilingus. Or inspires cunnilingus. Like, Blonde Redhead. Marco Sparks tells me that Benjamin Light loves Blonde Redhead.

8. Burgers. Mmm burgers.

9. Playing my guitar.

10. Grapes. They’re tasty. A touch boring at times, sure, but tasty.

But there’s so much more about me. Stay tuned for part two, you weirdos! See you then!

You got the touch!

Posted by Marco Sparks on

You got the touch!

You got the power!

Yeah!

I saw The Happening the other day and let me tell you that it is one of the most purest and truest pieces of God awful shit that I have seen in a long, long time. I could explain the plot to you in some form of detail but I’d rather slice my soul up into little pieces and feed it to rabid animals. Let’s just say that the planet Earth, but more specifically, the plants (the above image is from the scene where Mark Wahlberg has to tell a common house plant that he comes in peace, only to find out that it’s plastic) of the planet Earth – wants to kill all humans by releasing a toxin into the air that causes people to immediately kill themselves.

I’ll repeat myself: This is a movie about people wanting to immediately kill themselves. That’s right. This is a movie that makes you want to immediately kill yourself, super metal comment style!

The movie is so fucking bad. Gitmo bad. Auschwitz bad. And on top of it, remember how great Mark Wahlberg was in Boogie Nights and I Heart Huckabees ? Remember that level of pure sincerity and almost angry but childlike way of accessing the world that he displayed? It’s part of what made Andy Samberg’s “Mark Wahlberg Talks To Animals” skit seem to genuine, right? Well, about 15 minutes into The Happening I started to wonder if Mark Wahlberg’s character, or possibly Marky Mark himself, might actually be mentally retarded.

After all is said and done

You never walked, you’ve never run

You’re a winner!

Ah, Boogie Nights, I could gush on about you all night long. You don’t even know. Don’t tempt me. Don’t you dare.

“What can you expect when you’re on top? You know? It’s like Napoleon when he was king, you know, people were just constantly trying to conquer him, you know, in the Roman empire. So it’s history repeating itself all over again.”

Don’t ask me why, but I absolutely love that they used Stan Bush’s “You Got The Touch” as one of Dirk’s songs in the movie. The original version of the song was in the first Transformers movie, the animated one, not the one with Megan Fox and Shia LaBeowulf. There’s been some press of late about the sequel to their Transformers movie, which… I’m surprised to say that I kind of liked. It was beyond stupid, too cutesy in parts, but fun up until about the last forty five minutes when it went super mega hyper anime action fest GO! and you just couldn’t tell what the fuck was going on. As opposed to…

Jesus. What a POS. Dear M. Night Shyamalan: I fucking hate you. For serious. You’re not Hitchcock. I know you think you are, but no, you’re just not. You’re not!

Kelis “Fuck Them Bitches” (mp3)

The Rentals “Friends Of P” (mp3)

Eric Burdon & War “Spill The Wine” (mp3)

Pure Essence “Third Rock” (mp3)