The Counterforce Casting Couch: Independence Day 2

Let’s face it, Hollywood is never going to fund a big-budget original movie ever again.

Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

Marco and I have been talking for a while about doing a series of posts on movies that should be made. Now don’t get me wrong, the projects we’ll be proposing shouldn’t actually be made. In a better world, the budgets would go to real artists who do good work, but that’s not the world we live it, and at Counterforce, we believe in making the best out of a bad situation. Just like Liam Neeson.

no thank you

no thank you

So, let’s get right down too it. You know, you know they’re going to make an ID4:2 some day, so we might as well make it enjoyably bad. Hell, just the idea of watching this movie instead of some Michael Bay cartoon-adapted crapfest gives me a boner. You can never ever go wrong blowing up as many international landmarks as possible.

Thus, The Counterforce Casting Couch: Independence Day 2

PREMISE:

This is gonna be a little rough, we can fill in the blanks during lighting shifts on the set. So, it’s like 20 years after the event of ID4. Will Smith is the President, obviously. The White House will have just finished being rebuilt and look exactly the same as before. Jeff Goldblum will basically be playing Al Gore. Sorta Green Living Apostle / Technocrat in Chief. Shia LeBeouf is Goldblum’s rebellious kid and Aaron Yoo is his buddy who films all their wacky adventures on his Flip Camera. There will be some drama because Shia doesn’t know his dad was a hero because Goldblum’s role was classified or something.

aaron-yoo-shia-labeouf

Ryan Kwanten from True Blood will fill in the Hick Character contingent with his little jailbait sister, Dakota Fanning. I threw a lot of brits into the cast so there can be other groups of characters in the UK and Australia, Iraq, etc. Famke Janssen will play somebody’s wife. Maybe Bill Pullman’s.

dakota_fanning

So, the Aliens come back, only this time, they come in peace and claim to be seeking asylum. Apparently these aliens are the not-evil faction of the bad guys. Will Smith will have all these mixed feelings because he hates aliens, but doesn’t want to be prejudiced to the nice ones. It will be like that scene in Star Trek 6 where Kirk talks about the klingons who killed his son, only this time it will be Will Smith saying it, and he’ll be talking to the First Dog.

Ryan Kwanten

Obviously, the bad aliens come back and destroy a shit-ton more monuments and landmarks. They’ll be led by Nic Cage, who is some kind of evil billionaire who helps the Aliens in exchange for world domination. Definitely gotta sack the Burj Dubai, the White House, Big Ben, the Golden Gate, the Vatican, etc. But this time, the good aliens have shared some of their technology, so the fight is slightly more fair, but earth still gets its ass kicked and the bad aliens occupy the planet. This would all take place on July 2nd.

yeah, that shit's gonna fall

yeah, that shit's gonna fall

The next day would be a lot of failed counter-offensives and characters hiding from Alien stormtroopers. Then Shia LeBeouf will decide to form a resistance and Aaron Yoo will do all the tech shit to get the word out on the internets. Ryan Kwanten will be there with Dakota, and he’ll turn out to be some kind of hillbilly ass-kicker. I see a scene with him, shirtless, feather tied to the back of his head, destroying enemy food supplies boston-tea-party style. Then we’ll cut to Said Taghmaoui in Iraq with a British accent and he’ll be all, “It’s the Americans, they want to organize a resistance, about bloody time!”

not the bees!

And then July 4th will be the big counter-attack. Aaron Yoo will die. Will Smith will fly an alien fighter ship with Bill Pullman as his wingman. They’ll fight their way to the mothership, land on it, then fight their way to Nic Cage’s lair on the bridge. Somehow, Jeff Goldblum will be there too. A big fistfight later, Will Smith wins, then escapes and Bill Pullman and Jeff Goldblum pilot the Mothership into the sun, sacrificing themselves. Shia hooks up with Dakota Fanning, and then after the credits roll, Samuel L. Jackson walks into a bar to talk to him about the Avengers initiative.

And… scene.

Fuck yeah!

Fuck yeah!

You know you’d pay to see it.

You got the touch!

You got the touch!

You got the power!

Yeah!

I saw The Happening the other day and let me tell you that it is one of the most purest and truest pieces of God awful shit that I have seen in a long, long time. I could explain the plot to you in some form of detail but I’d rather slice my soul up into little pieces and feed it to rabid animals. Let’s just say that the planet Earth, but more specifically, the plants (the above image is from the scene where Mark Wahlberg has to tell a common house plant that he comes in peace, only to find out that it’s plastic) of the planet Earth – wants to kill all humans by releasing a toxin into the air that causes people to immediately kill themselves.

I’ll repeat myself: This is a movie about people wanting to immediately kill themselves. That’s right. This is a movie that makes you want to immediately kill yourself, super metal comment style!

The movie is so fucking bad. Gitmo bad. Auschwitz bad. And on top of it, remember how great Mark Wahlberg was in Boogie Nights and I Heart Huckabees ? Remember that level of pure sincerity and almost angry but childlike way of accessing the world that he displayed? It’s part of what made Andy Samberg’s “Mark Wahlberg Talks To Animals” skit seem to genuine, right? Well, about 15 minutes into The Happening I started to wonder if Mark Wahlberg’s character, or possibly Marky Mark himself, might actually be mentally retarded.

After all is said and done

You never walked, you’ve never run

You’re a winner!

Ah, Boogie Nights, I could gush on about you all night long. You don’t even know. Don’t tempt me. Don’t you dare.

What can you expect when you’re on top? You know? It’s like Napoleon when he was king, you know, people were just constantly trying to conquer him, you know, in the Roman empire. So it’s history repeating itself all over again.”

Don’t ask me why, but I absolutely love that they used Stan Bush’s “You Got The Touch” as one of Dirk’s songs in the movie. The original version of the song was in the first Transformers movie, the animated one, not the one with Megan Fox and Shia LaBeowulf. There’s been some press of late about the sequel to their Transformers movie, which… I’m surprised to say that I kind of liked. It was beyond stupid, too cutesy in parts, but fun up until about the last forty five minutes when it went super mega hyper anime action fest GO! and you just couldn’t tell what the fuck was going on. As opposed to…

Jesus. What a POS. Dear M. Night Shyamalan: I fucking hate you. For serious. You’re not Hitchcock. I know you think you are, but no, you’re just not. You’re not!

Kelis “Fuck Them Bitches” (mp3)

The Rentals “Friends Of P” (mp3)

Eric Burdon & War “Spill The Wine” (mp3)

Pure Essence “Third Rock” (mp3)