On this here hump day, we’re cool hunting for hypebeasts…

Before anything else is said: The internet is just a series of tubes, people! Just ask Ted Stevens. I’m sure he’d love to explain it to you with some awesome gestures, but Oh! Looks like he’s got his hands tied

So there was a 5.4 earthquake yesterday in Los Angeles, but the city hasn’t fallen into the ocean yet, has it? Anyone out there reading this effected by it? I mean, I know that Judge Judy was, but anyone else? Why don’t you just go and twitter the fuck out it?

Alicia Keyes and Jack White are teaming up for the next Bond theme song? Please tell me that Alicia (one of the most beautiful women on the planet) is doing all the singing and, you know, video appearing and that Jack White will just hide his scary self away continuing to look like a scary lesbian witch.

One armed models!

This may be the skeeziest advice column ever. An excerpt: “If you stick your pinkie in there, and then another finger, and then another, and she responds happily, then it’s cool.” Counterforce should totally have it’s own regular advice column on things like dating and sex and auto repair.

And it looks like Mr. Sarah Michelle Gellar has a new job.

(I know, I know, how lame is it to be posting news about him? Don’t worry though, I plan on smoothing it all out below with a link to Kim Kardashian pics.)

And in politics:

The United States government (actually just a branch of it) has officially apologized for slavery and the era of Jim Crow. Just in time for McCain to side with a ban on affirmative action. All this in time for the Washington Post to basically declare Obama president already (might as well, just to save us the trouble), and for us to ponder whether or not black women will ever marry or not.

Oh, and the genocide-loving gay porn actor and Predator (a subtle form of it’s own kind of gay porn) bit player who’s running for the Senate has been kicked out of his party. Shocking, I know.

They’re still trying to get some traction on the John Edwards having an affair stories out there. Maybe they’re waiting to see if he gets a running mate slot? (At least he has a decent hair cut.)

Oh, and speaking of Barack Obama… this isn’t absolutely psychotic at all.

In the world of sports:

I’m sure my fellow Counterforcers (who are all big sports fans, while I am not) saw this about the blog Fire Joe Morgan being banned in China for the Olympics.

In news of just how wild and fucked up the world is now:

More student/teacher sex! It’s amazing to me that this is all finally being caught/reported on. If you went to high school and didn’t know that at least one of your teachers was fucking at least one of your classmates, then… Well, can I live in your magical fantasty world for a while? It’s clearly got to be Imaginationland!

Granted, it’s usually the male teachers, the ones who wear t-shirts for whatever the hip and socially acceptable band is of the day (In my day it was Rage Against The Machine) to class, that are fucking the female students, but whatever.

Also:

Hypebeast!

Shark Week still going strong.

Your guy’s hero of choice can reveal a lot about his personality.”

Video games!

Joss Whedon fans are already starting a campaign to save his new TV show, Dollhouse… before it even airs! And considering it’s going to be on Fox, this may be a genius move. Maybe Fringe people should start considering something similar?

Overshare (a word I have grown to loathe). Remember how I said I’d talk about the double standards and hypocrisy of the internet and world of blogging in general? Well, I still plan to, and it’ll reflect about how as a man, I could say anything I want about my personal life on this site, and go into the grossest possible details that I’d want to, but the second a woman does it, the very moment she becomes either a person or an internet celebrity, she somehow becomes a slut. Or something worse. It’s utter bullshit and I’ll go into at some point. And I’ll talk about Lena Chen and Julia Allison and especially Emily Gould. And Julia Allison again, because she’s just out there that much.

Speaking of which: Liz Wurtzel, where have you gone? We miss you.

Oh well. That’s enough. Go back to having one of those kind of days.

(Here are the Kim Kardashian pics I promised.)

Yet another generic headline about a Yahoo! article.

Continuing what is seemingly Counterforce’s war against the wonderful ridiculousness that continues to be the Yahoo! front page, this is what greeted me when I went to go check my spam this morning…

Its all about that picture, really.

It's all about that picture, really.

And I thought to myself, “Hmmm, I’m perpetually about five seconds away from having some kind of violent workplace melt down,” so… like a fool, I clicked on the story. And then I saw this:

A generic screencap of a generic caption of a generic picture of a...

I would kill to get a job as a caption writer for the Yahoo! front page, I really would. I would kill babies. Maybe pregnant women, so it’s a kind of two for one thing? I can just imagine myself saying that now as the interviewer asks me how passionate I am in my desire for the job…

But not to make this post totally about the Yahoo! front page, here’s two other vital bits of news from across the internets today:

Apparently, dog meat is off the menu at the upcoming Beijing Olympics? Shit. I may not even go now.

And you remember how we used to hear all about teachers fucking their students? Well, that shit’s old news now, people. The new thing is student/teacher suicide pacts. All the cool kids are doing it. What about you, nerd?