Tag Archives: Spam

Pills, porn, and poker.

Posted by Marco Sparks on

The 3 Ps, they’re called. The most common types of e-mail spam/business that clutters your inbox, or your spam folder.  Also, replica watches too, apparently.

Here is, for your viewing pleasure, 47 random and unopened entries from my spam folder, with the sender and subject line:

1. Jet Blue Rewards. Apparently I’ve been chosen to receive two free tickets just about anywhere. Go me.

2. Blockbuster online. This makes me laugh a little.

3. Extenze. “Natural male enhancement. It works!” the email promises. I’ve been promised things before.

4.Island Rock. Apparently, according to this email, Bon Jovi wants me to pick a song for him to perform at the Grammys. Hey Jon, I’m trying to think of something clever to say, or to even think up a Bon Jovi song, but I’m just thinking about that Bret Michaels thing over and over again.

5. BlackSingles.com. “Meet African American singles in your area,” the email suggests. I’d love to.

6. Tiger Woods Fan Club. The subject line is: “Please contact us immediately to tell us if you still support Tiger or not?”

from here.

7. Locate Plastic Surgeons. “GET BREAST IMPLANTS!” Don’t tease me.

8. Cash -4-Gold. Sure, I’d love some cash, but honestly, people, if I had a bunch of gold sitting around…

9. August Bravo. “What do the numbers on Lost mean?” and “I think Locke is Jacob. Is he?” Yeah, sure.

10. Cash in 24 hours. One of my favorite subject lines: “Get CASH wired into your account tomorrow! $lut$!”

11. Sexyhousewife271@aol.com <Priceline Updates @ fandangonews.com. “Why wait when you can be having an affair with a sexy housewife right now!” You’ve got a point there, friend. Why am I waiting?

12. Rachel Ray Package. “You’ve been selected to receive a Rachael Ray package worth up to $500!” Ehh.

13. Criminal Justice School Finder. “Take criminal justice classes online. AT YOUR OWN PACE!” Now we are talking. The all caps tells me that you are serious.

14. Cheating_wife007@aol.com. “There are SO MANY cheating wives in YOUR AREA.” I figured as much. I like the “007″ add on there, though. Ladies are pimps too. The AOL makes me think less of all that cuckolding though.

15. COBRA health coverage. “Can’t afford COBRA? You’re not alone!” Uhhh, I’m weary of this one, you guys.

16. Oksana. “Come to me. I’m in a hotel. Come on top of me! I’ll still love you!” Dream girl.

17. Brandie. “Did you get email? I miss the way you suckle my pussy.”

18. Svetlana. “Hello.” This one is subtle, and therefore, as far as Spam goes, more insidious. I love these brands of “normal sounding” women’s names. You almost want to click on them. “Brandie” is a decent name, but when I am ever going to know an Oksana or Svetlana, really? For more than one night, I mean.

19. Dolores. I include this one because Dolores is a nice name, but one you don’t see very often anymore, right? (Also, unrelated, it was Lolita’s name.) Anyway, the subject line is: “Remember that passionate night we shared in Tokyo?” I wish, Dolores. I wish.

from here.

20. APPLE. “Your iphone is waiting to meet you!”

21. Shop until you drop! “Target gift card!”

22. HotBabyGirl4U. “I’m Cute and I know it :) Hehe.” I gotta admit. Her confidence is a turn on.

23. Conrad Noir. “The Gayest tennis serve.” It can be found here, apparently.

24. Approved Tester. “Thank you! You’re an approved tester now!” Uh… great.

25. Internet TV. “Fuck your cable bill in the ass.” I like the way we’re talking here.

26. Legally reduce your debt. “As seen on CNN!” That sounds legit.

27. VIAGRA where you want it. Where I want it, huh? The subject line is probably the most effective marketing statement ever: “80% off!” Thankfully, the only entity that cares more about my penis (and my finances) than me is my good friend, the Internet.

28. Kim. “Blinded by those white teeth!” Thanks, Kim.

29. Cash4Timeshares. “Don’t you hate it when they make you pay for those time shares?” Like you would not and could not believe, bro.

30. G.I. Bill. “January 12 to January 29: You qualify. Afraid to see if you have what it takes?” Afraid? No. I’m pretty sure that I do not have what it takes.

31. Diamonds. “DIAMONDS!”

32. Lesslie. “COLD CASH. Weight loss made easy. Eat whatever you want. No more diet pills!” This is that sweet spot where “sounding good” eventually translates into “looking good.”

33. Fling.com. “Spice up your life, Marco.”

34. Savings. “Get a credit check. Be debt free in 2 to 36 months.”

35.Yesenia. “VISA and MASTER CARD and AMERICAN EXPRESS. Get VIAGRA and CIALIS together in ONE PILL.” Tempting.

36. Troy. “Make your blog do things with my help. Financial magic.” Also tempting. Troy, are you a wizard? A warlock? Are you going to initiate me into your blogging coven?

37. Smoke shop. “What goes between your lips?”

38. Gimmesumluvin. “I’m look’n for something strange!” Now we’re talking.

39. Davison. “We challenge you to pursue your dream.” Hmm.

40. Perfect hair every day. “Celebrity hair secrets REVEALED.”

41. (500) Days for $1.99. “You need business cards!”

42. Piss loving sluts find Jesus and $alvation! I’m a red blooded American male, one who loves mixing business and pleasure, spirituality and golden showers as much as the next guy, but even still… I think I’ll wait til this is in reruns after Steven Seagal, Lawman on A&E.

43. Hi-tech Husband. Fist it says, “Want to make a little money at home?” Yes, I do. Then it says, “Want us to ship you a wireless notebook?” Oh, you tease.

44. Peanut St. Cosmo. Just the usual. She asks, “DID HE ASK FOR ME BY NAME?” when talking about internet celebs. Oh, Peanut. Of course he did!

45. Remove Dark Eyes and Circles. “Stop looking like a heroin addict in mere weeks!”

46. Help Haiti Homeboy. I actually click on this one because I’m amazed at how timely it is, how it may actually want to do some good. But… no. It says: “Get a loan. Get a condo in Haiti. Fuck some sad bitches.” As horrible as that is, it’s pretty much the spam trifecta, right?

47. Limited promotion. “Are you a real person?” Honestly, this one blew my mind. The last thing anyone on the internet wants is to have their “realness” questioned. And a close second is, “A/S/L?”

So, there you go. Nothing particularly revelatory, but that’s hardly the nature of your inbox anymore, right? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be on the internet…

Fathers pass on pretty faces to daughters, but not sons.

Posted by Marco Sparks on

Studies found that obese women have as many sex partners as non-obese women, that obese men have fewer sex partners than non-obese men, and that men will spend more money on a date with a lady in red. Researchers discovered that handsome fathers pass on pretty faces to daughters but not to sons, and that facial scars make men more appealing to women for short-term but not long-term relationships, with women preferring scars that suggest violence or trauma rather than acne or chicken pox. Roosters that have had sex recently make more noise at dawn, and male antelopes click their knees loudly to demonstrate sexual prowess. Entomologists found that sex between male flour beetles may allow the males, by dribbling semen onto their partners, to impregnate the females those males later have sex with. San Francisco scientists grew a new prostate in a mouse from a single stem cell. Monoga mous male mice were found to be less likely to suf fer from diabetes than were their polyamorous counterparts, and an elephant in Texas came down with a fatal case of herpes. After thirty-six years of celibacy, George, the last living Pinta Island tortoise, mated. Dutch researchers identified a premature-ejaculation gene.

from here.

Severely depressed pregnant women are twice as likely to give birth prematurely, and infants warmed in incubators are less likely to be depressed as adults. Proto-humans may have learned to create fire as early as 790,000 years ago. Middle-aged white Americans were killing themselves at a higher rate, and a third of heart attacks worldwide were blamed on unhealthy Western eating habits. Computer scientists who hijacked part of a large spam network established that one in 12.5 million junk emails results in a sale. Neurologists found that many people’s brains contain a designated neuron for identifying Jennifer Aniston. Scientists studying a stalagmite in Wangxiang Cave linked the fall of China’s Ming, Tang, and Yuan dynasties to weak monsoons. An Indian probe, Chandrayaan I, landed on the moon, and NASA’s solar- powered Phoenix lander on Mars went dead with the coming of the Martian winter. Global warming may stop Norwegian lemmings from jumping off cliffs.

The passages above are from the “Findings” section in the January 2009 issue of Harper’s and were written by Rafil Kroll-Zaidi. The image at the top of the page is Untitled (three men standing), 2007, by Johannes Kahrs, and was also used in that issue of Harper’s.

from here.

Foods Filled With Shame

Posted by mariamargarita on

Uncrustables

uncrustables!.jpg

Virgin America offers Uncrustables on their in flight food menu. If you sit in first class or Main Cabin Select, which is a bootleg first class (no massage chairs), you can order as much food as you want for free. You could have dozens of Uncrustables! An Uncrustable is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with no crust, packaged together. It sticks to the roof of your mouth just like a normal Pb&j sandwich, but makes you feel exciting, unlike a normal pb&j.

2 out of 5 shame stars

Spam

spam!.jpg

A highly misunderstood food. I know people who would shove hundreds of dollars worth of blow up their noses who would refuse to eat this nitrite filled pink packet of delicsiouness. The best place in the world to eat spam is at Lucky Chances Casino in Colma, California. The 24 hour diner attached to the 24 hour card room serves up Spam with eggs and garlic fried rice. It is one of the most perfect food combinations you’ve ever seen. The card room is full of old Chinese people gambling away their SSI checks and the diner is full of people who use Xanga as a blogging platform. It’s worth it.

5 out of 5 stars (people really hate Spam)

Anything off a fast food dollar menu

mcdsdollarmenu.jpg

We’ve all been there. We’ll all go back there again.

3 out of 5 stars

Celeste Pizza For One

Frozen_Pizza.JPG

Not only is it a frozen pizza, it’s a frozen pizza for ONE. It’s a frozen pizza of sadness that will likely be covered in tears and followed by a Nyquil chaser. However, the salt content is so high it will kill any possibility of a hang over and possibly your biological ability to have children.

2.5 out of 5 stars (their cheapness could override any guilt you feel for eating this)

A sandwich purchased at a drugstore

A far better investment would be diet pills.

4 out of 5 (walgreen’s is for buying plan b, not for sandwiches)

Foie gras

foie-gras.jpg

High end self loathing. A vulgar display of wealth and callousness. Foie gras is made by ducks being force fed grain so their livers can expand and a pate can be made of it, to be spread on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (as I’ve had it served to me once), stuffed between giant pieces of steak and smothered on baguette sandwiches. It’s not much worse than the harsh reality of factory farming in the US, but something about foie gras takes the creepiness of meat eating to an entirely other level.

5 out of 5 stars (prepare for any ethical people you know to despise you)